Life is all about the experiences. A million random, yet connected experiences that ultimately culminate in our life We have a responsibility to craft those experiences into something meaningful... but, what happens if we don't? There is this guy that I used to date a while back - no, more than date, we had a fairly significant relationship. Anyway, I have watched his life over the last few years go to hell because he chased the experience. The "feel good experiences," anyway. It's all about what feels good, the 'want,' the thrill, the adrenaline, the rush. I think maybe he needs those to feel alive. I don't know, though. I'm not sure he does, either. But, over the last few years, I watched him go from getting that feeling from putting in a good days work, or making a derby car for his kid to getting it from feeling drunk every weekend (and I mean blitzed, some weekday nights, too), spending money that he doesn't have to delude himself that he can, getting crazy - whether his kids were there or not. He's happy with the experiences he's created. Sort of - the deal is, though, you always pay the piper. So, he gets the thrill experience and then he gets the crash - which, by the very nature of my being, I always dealt with for him. Eventually, I just looked at it and pulled out. Not for my preservation - it didn't really negative impact me, I kept enough distance to stay safe.. but, it really was just sad to watch. To what degree do we sacrifice morality, responsibility, ourselves to enjoy an experience?
I guess I fall on the other side of the spectrum. It'd probably do me good to get out there a little more, take a few more risks - which is probably why I was with him to begin with. He pulled me out of my comfort zone of being 'the responsible one.' At first, I liked the risks because they were little things like dropping everything and going to Granbury for the day because we could and crazy midnight meetings for coffee at some random place on a weeknight. I know, it's tame, but it wild for me at the time. LOL But, I couldn't see ultimately self-destructing to chase an hour or two of "fun" and "feel-good." So, I didn't go much further on the risk ride. I'm ok with that. Most of the time, anyway. ;)
But, part of me wonders, if I really have the right to judge his actions, his morality. To the extent of whether or not I personally want to be involved, sure. That's my responsiblity, even - but, what about whether or not I help his ex-wife change his custody like she'd like me to? Don't get me wrong, I don't like her, either - I think she's got a million hidden agendas that I don't trust and she'll throw you under the bus just for the giggles in it. But, I don't doubt that she really wants what she believes is best for those children and she wants to provide stability for them. She doesn't have wierd people bouncing in and out of their lives, she doesn't get so drunk that she pees on the floor in front of them, she doesn't endager her children or their friends with her irresponsibility. He does, or at least did when I knew him & that type of behavior is why I decided I no longer needed to. From what I've heard, that hasn't changed over the last couple of months.
The majority of me screams to stay out of this - just don't cooperate because it's not my life, they're not my kids. But, there's this little niggling voice that says we have a responsibility to help those who can't help themselves and that there's a social responsibility to the situation. What would I want if I were in her situation, trying to get my kids out of a bad scenario?? Wouldn't I want someone who had first hand knowledge to help? I just don't want to be involved, though - that's why I'm no longer in his world. Still wouldn't be if his ex-wife hadn't called. Would I be selfish for just staying out of it? - I really don't need the drama.
Ack. That's making my head hurt. No more of that for now. Part of me wishes I had stayed out a little later and went dancing last night. Maybe not the cage dancing Adam suggested (LOL - oh to be young - though that secretly looks somewhat intruiging), but still - it's so much fun to feel the music vibrating through your being. I couldn't though, my contacts were peeling, LOL. And, of course, I left my glasses at home. Maybe next week I'll go. For now I have to get ready for that lunch meeting.
Ciao for now.
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