What's Being Read the Most...
I've personally never been one to really want to rush a relationship. Actually, the term "Commitment Phobic" might be a better...
Today I took my eldest daughter to the movies. While there, saw the previews for this new movie: "Horrible Bosses." It looked...
Well... I did it. I made it through 30 days. That, in and of itself, isn't much of an accomplishment.. basically, what I'm saying ...
Thursday, November 26, 2009
To kick things off, I'm going to write about 2 very polar opposite experiences: coming on WAY too strong and coming off way too ... I don't even know the right word. So, I'll start with that one. A guy recently told me that he's intimidated by me. Say what?!?! Ok, there's more than a few of my readers that don't personally know me; but for all that do? Intimidation is so not the word that one would typically use connected with me. Unless maybe if they worked for me - in which case, "bitch" or "ball-buster" might not be too very far behind (I'm very task-oriented and if honest, somewhat demanding - though I can honestly say I've cared about every single one of my employees). But, personally?? Yeah, it took me back a bit - I'm not sure what exactly would be intimidating about me! I'm a clutzy, goofy mess!
He says it's actually not ME - it's my blog. Not the first time I've heard a guy express concerns about being 'picked apart' online for all to see. Ok, I can appreciate that - but, I'm not going to stop writing. :) I'll just keep an eye open for the guy that laughs it off. :p And maybe it shouldn't be the thing I mention right off the bat when I go out with a new guy??
Now, the WAY too strong?? I'm still shocked by hard it is for some guys to comprehend "No, thank you." There's this guy; lives near me... I've solidly rebuffed this guy for the better part of 3 years. Think borderline, "Ouch, that had to hurt" when imagining my latest responses. There's no way in Hades this guy shouldn't get that I'm not interested. Yet:
Monday: Log into my email and there's an email from him: "Hey, our kids both have concerts the same night. Want to sit together? Then maybe we can all go get some ice cream after or something." (ok, this COULD be innoculous - so, I respond)
"FlirtyGuy," sound like fun, but I'm going to be sitting with the girls' Father and grandparents. Have fun at the concert!
Tuesday: Voicemail from "FlirtyGuy" - "Did you get my email? I think we should scratch the icecream and have dinner before."
Text back: "FlirtyGuy," I emailed you back. Still recovering from jaw surgery - don't like to eat much right now... so, we're going to have to pass. Thanks, though!
Wednesday: Facebook message from "FlirtyGuy" and the 12th 'friends request' in the last month. "So, when are we going to go out?"
Friend Request "Ignore" & Message back: We're not. Have a great day!!!
I'm telling you, if I get another advance today - his turkey? Is totally cooked.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Let me start by saying, I think the girls had a good time? We went to the mall (after some drama that was slightly unnecessary, but not the girls deal) and they got to do about half of the scavenger hunt before the mall closed. They got four fun outfits from Justice for Lindsey. Most of the girls were pretty well behaved, except for...
1. Chucking Quarters off my balcony - while the adults and I were getting things set-up, the girls decided it'd be keen fun to toss off quarters and see? I don't know what. But let me tell you how not enthused I was when they came in to tell me they thought they hit a Corvette (they didn't, but it DID lead to a nearly ten minute lecture and banishment from my room). By the way, the balcony I was so keen on isn't really all that useful when raining... :)
2. Ok, this one I'm still trying to decide how I feel about... Our journey to the mall was delayed? By over half an hour. Why? Because one of the party guests had a parent in meltdown mode. Fun, fun. Not because of the quarter-chucking incident (that I would have understood, as I had a mini meltdown over it, too. But, because the guest's younger sister wasn't invited. Now, at least during the entire time they were all around me; her being invited was never discussed. She's not Lindsey's age, they're not friends (they're not NOT friends, but you know what I mean) and really, there were supposed to be 10 of Lindsey's friends here last night - have to cut off the invites somewhere.
When I talked about inviting the girl with the other parent, I was very specific on it JUST being the one girl. Of course the Mom knows that, but it's not her having the meltdown - it's the girl's Dad. Doesn't think it's fair that his younger child wasn't invited; so he's ranting, raving and upsetting his eldest. They're going to come get her, she can't stay, I'm totally rude because I didn't invite her sister, etc.. delivering this via cell phone to her. Who, in turn, is getting upset which is upsetting the entire party (because 12 year olds are inherent drama queens). The girl doesn't want us to call her parents - but at some point, enough is enough... so, I call. Bring the other kid to the mall and come find us, I don't care, but I'm really tired of having to go find the kid (and accompanying gaggle of girls) who has to keep running to the bathroom upset - can we not just go to the mall already?
By the time we are able to wrap that madness up and get to the shuttle? It results in having less than an hour to be able to hunt. Four stores knocked off the list; but like I said, I think they still had fun and Justice was AWESOME about letting us stay half an hour late to find outfits for Linds. What got me, was when the other parent showed up? She tried to say "I understand his postiion...(yada, yada)".. Um, no. I like her -she's fun overall and I enjoy that our children get along. But, really?
So, I guess I'm wondering - does inviting one child automatically mean the other needs to be invited if they hear about the party? And, if the other child is friends with your other child - they're GOING to hear about the party. So, is it just automatically required? In terms of Linds' party, it all worked out ok - having her there was NOT an issue because a couple of the other girls couldn't make it.. but, it's the point. And possibly the last minute delivery (read: why wait until AFTER the party starts?)...
Gotta go get the Embassy Breakfast going for the kids now. Later, yo!
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Keep Your Google Findings to Yourself - Seems to me, there are two reasons to Google search someone and let's fess up: we all do it (and at this point, we all know we do). The first reason is obviously related to safety - let's see if this guy/girl shows up on any criminal- or pedophilic- type lists. The other reason and major side-bonus, is it's a great source for conversation starters. I mean, really, aren't the first few dates awkward enough? And, if two years into your relationship you DO find out that he/she used to have a temporary garfield tattoo fetish? Seems to me you should be able to get a good ribbing or two out of it! I mean, if we're supposed to good-naturedly laugh at ourselves... shouldn't we be able to giggle at him/her, too??
Follow Your Wacky Urges - This wouldn't be so bad, if the codicil 'within reason' had been added. I know there are definitely some things -I- don't particularly want to see straight off the bat. These things would fall under the category of 'Let Me Grow Fond of You First.' That way, when you tell me you really DO kinda like to moonwalk through the mall every single time you go or spend 50 hours a week on your MMPOG? You'll have built up enough relationship equity that I won't be tempted to run for the hills; I'll just maybe just pretend I don't know you while you're doing it (1). There's just some things that just don't need to be shared straight off the bat.
Now, showing your exotic bug collection or letting me know you still get geeked up over Spiderman?? That's a different story - I'm fine with that (unless you're showing me the whole collection over dinner and then ew!).
(1) Maybe. The second example? I'm still running... if your computer-gaming habits add up to as much as a full-time job? You've got NO time for a relationship unless they're online. And if that's your thing?? Have fun!
Saturday, February 28, 2009
When we're young, it has to be perfect. We don't yet need to settle, so we look for Prince Charming or Angelina Jolie (depending on your gender, I guess) to come along and sweep us off our feet. We want butterflies, fireworks, and tingling... and we'll settle for nothing less. When we we're young, it's probably more about feelings and less about thoughtful, long-term compatiblity. So, it's really no surprise that our divorce rate is closer to 70% than 60%, is it?
For those of us that are dating in the 'middle ages?' We still have standards, but maybe they're not quite so lofty. Rather than hard-and-fast "types" that we may have held in our twenties, we have "preferences." Things we like, but aren't dealbreakers. For me? I like bald guys, some facial hair can be fun (but not like Woodsman Bob level), or if they have enough hair I can actually play with it - it's no fun when it has so much gel in it that it.doesn't.move.in.hurricane.force.winds. Anyway, those are physical preferences - not must haves. The must-haves become more realistic; for me, at this point they need to have true morals/values (not just stuff they SAY they do/believe in) that mesh with me, their career figured out, they need to be decisive, and they need to be able to stand up to me/call me out now and again (I'm pretty...opinionated :p).
There are many ways to meet people: the old-fashioned way (you bump into them in a hang-out spot or the grocery store), meet-up groups where groups of singles go out and do various different things together and just see what develops, and in the last decade or so? Internet dating has become the new staple of meeting your next "the one." Most of them are paid sites; you give them $30-$60 a month and they'll give you access to hundreds of profiles. Dig through them and perhaps you'll find true love; but, if not? At least you found someone to go to dinner with. I use a free dating site that a friend of mine turned me onto. Well, I say I use it - I HAVE a profile, I have bothered to go through the motions and met a couple of people. I've made a couple of friends... but nothing to write home about.
The problem with dating sites? Two things: 1, if you can write a decent profile, you get more responses than you can actually respond to. 2? You get to deal with people's baggage even BEFORE you meet them. People whose rampant insecurities go haywire before you even see them in person. For example, check out this exchange - not going to lie, it both amused me and made me glad I'm single:
This guy pops onto my page... I guess by virtue of simply looking at my profile, I was supposed to have with joyful exaltation return the favor and respond to some question he had evidently written on his. Newsflash: I don't use that site to date. It's really more of writing fodder at this point - but, he wouldn't know that, so it's ok. Here's his first, very stunning email:
From: freakuent_flyer (View Profile)
Subject: wth? Sent Date: 2/28/2009 9:55:31 AM
you have 2 car pic and a mile long profile, but no care to answer my question?
Yes, yes I do. I also have a few other pictures, thank you and I didn't ask you to read my novella. Not sure why, but I responded:
From: TheOneCrystal (View Profile)
Subject: RE:wth? Sent Date: 2/28/2009 6:36:39 PM
I'm sorry, did you ask a question?
And btw, insulting someone is typically NOT a good way to get them interested in learning more about you.
Good manners would dictate he not respond.....
From: freakuent_flyer (View Profile)
Subject: RE:RE:wth? Sent Date: 2/28/2009 10:13:20 PM
i assumed you read my profile as i did with yours. thank you for reciprocal consideration.
Hmmm.... ok, now I'm kind of amused. I mean, come on...who wouldn't be attracted to a combatative approach that somewhat smacks of insecurity? Does he even realize that it makes him sound insecure? I'm intruiged...
From: TheOneCrystal (View Profile)
Subject: RE:RE:RE:wth? Sent Date: 3/1/2009 12:48:19 AM
Ok, I popped onto your profile page. After the first couple of lines, it was clear to me that we weren't a match.
While I would absolutely love to send everyone that emailed me a return email, it's really not possible. I did the math - I'd spend about 2 hours a day on here, easy. And frankly, I don't have time for that. Not to make me sound like I think I'm all that - I don't. I am just cognisant of the fact that simply having a profile on this page does not require me to respond to anyone who may choose to 'reach out and write me.' It doesn't - just like you are not obligated to have a conversation with every telemarketer that hits your phone lines just by virtue of having a phone.
In fact, the only reason you are getting this response is because this entire tact somewhat amuses me and I'm already on the computer.
He apologized, which I gave him credit for - and then asked about the car pics. I don't see how they're really any different than the webcam pictures guys put up (and WAY better than bathroom pics, thank you)... so, I responded about those things. But, my above response holds true - do we OWE someone a response just because they mail us?
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Chip away at what makes you "YOU" and you become someone else...
Interesting sentiment. How often do we do that? Chip away at what we want, who we are, what believe... in service of something that we deem right, bigger than ourselves, or that we think we want?? It's been a long week, my friends. But that quote is very much on my mind. As is the book, "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day." Anyone read it - or read it to their kids? My week felt like that book. Just every time I turned around something else was going wrong - nothing was lining up. Work was just all kinds of a mess, my daughter was having issues in school, the guy I was casually dating apparently decided to be a boy and pulled out his inner "Richard" for my personal enjoyment (1), my housekeeper quit because she got a new job, my favorite pair of boots broke, can't find my new LBD anywhere, could have sworn I bought 6 new black camis in the last month but for some reason, I only have one; plus, I got sick. I could keep going, but; too much stuff in a week.
So, now how does that relate to the quote, right? I think, there's a point, where you let your circumstances chip away at you. Who you are gets set aside for the person you become while you're dealing with said mess. For me, I tend to get less tolerant; a lot more task-oriented and my defense walls? Go WAY up. A big part of what makes me 'ME' is my ability to see the silver linings in things. I'm typically a positive person, and I like that. Sure, some people call it bubbly, or think I've the personality of a perpetual cheerleader. I'm ok with that, because it helps me to enjoy life and I'd like to think it makes things a little brighter for the people around me. But last week? Was hard to see the sunshine. If you don't pay attention to it, that temporary personality becomes your new, permanent one.
It reminded me of when I was working at another company. Wasn't the Company's fault, persay, but the timing around when I went to work there was off. Seemed like I was thrown into one crazy situation after another and had to deal with a LOT of hard, unpleasant things. It changed me. Because I let it. It took a lot of time before I realized it, though. And it was a lot of work to get me back to who I was before I went there. Before that, I had never thought that your surroundings could change who you are at the core - I wasn't an 'environmentalist' in that way. I guess, in a way, the surroundings can't. You do - We do - in how we choose to deal with it. That's not the plan for us, though - in the world, but not of it?
Anyway, I don't know where I was going with any of this, except to say that this week was a doozy and it reminded me of before. I guess I'm growing, though, because this week I saw it coming and was more or less able to deal with it - only took the weekend to get me back to my fun-loving, klutzy, positive self! That's progress, right?? Ok, since I bruised my tailbone and kinda hurt wrist with my latest and greatest display of my utter lack of coordination, I suspect it will take much longer to get ready for church today. I should get back to it. Enjoy your day, folks - and watch out for the circumstances trying to chip away at you. ;)
(1) read: irritation, mortification, frustration - the antithesis of enjoyment
Sunday, February 15, 2009
I'm not a big fan of Valentine's Day. Part of it stems from the fact that every year since I've been an adult, something truly hideous has happened on Valentine's Day. Now, what that is tended to vary from year to year, but over time I just came to dread that particular holiday. This has become a very small part of it in the last couple of years and quite frankly, I barely registered it this year. But, I'd be lying if I didn't recognize that's it's part of the disdain. The other part of it is just that it feels like a VERY manufactured holiday to me. Do you really need a day of National Observation in order to show your sweetie that you care about them? Doesn't the very point of expectation diminish some of the significance behind the act?
I notice the expectations behind it fall more on the side of my gender. This is not an opportunity to show how much cooler I am than the rest of the fairer sex (though, clearly, I am.. LOL) ... but, from the feedback I received, it's clearly a chick holiday. I realize noone's calling to alert the media about this revolutionary breakthrough, either. It just maybe seems a little unfair?? One of my English buddies told me that over there, they've got a coordinating holiday for men - Steak and a BJ day. That? Clean cracked me up - but at least noone's going to go into hoc for it.
Moving on, I watched "He's Just Not That Into You" today with a couple of my favorite Gal Pals. This was where it became VERY evident that I was off my game today. I called this morning and gave the Movie Grill my credit card number so I could have the charges for the day put on my card. That would have been VERY smooth.. except we went to the Movie Tavern. Oops. Normally, I'm really good with those kinds of details. I like putting together outings for my friends and I, so for me to make that kind of slip-up is rare. Oh yeah, and for some Gosh-unkown reason, my wallet was under my bed. That? Was very convenient at Subway. *I am a hot mess.*
Anyway, the movie. It was good, I guess. But, in many ways, it was also really kind of sad. It reminded me of something that happened yesterday. I went rollerskating with the girls on Saturday and their Dad ended up coming, too. Which is fine, really. It's good that we can do things with the kids - a lot of divorced families can't becase the parents can't be in the same room without wanting to kill each other. It was a good time. But, just before we left, they played the cupid shuffle. Lindsey started dancing to it - with her Dad. That probably doesn't sound like a big deal and it was kind of cute to watch the two of them together... but, it made me really, really sad in a selfish way. That was totally the kind of stuff I wanted to do when we were married - and we never did any of it. We didn't really go out with other people, he certainly didn't dance and I'm reasonably certain that he didn't know what the "Electric Slide" or "Cupid Shuffle" was.
Now, before you think I'm dogging on my ex-, I'm not. The point I'm trying to make is that I don't think he could BE that person when he was with me. There are probably a lot of things that I couldn't be when I was with him - and it was just by virtue of being together. In a lot of ways, my ex-husband and I brought out the worst in each other - and there's really no further proof needed by then looking at who we are today. We're so much better apart than we ever were together; and I don't have -any- feelings for him... those ended long before we divorced. But, even still - it's easy to see how much more we've been able to do and be apart from each other. He dances, and socializes - I no longer cringe every time I go home, I don't worry about what I'm going to find, I can be alone and be happy. We're better. But what does that say? What does that say about us that we were so -not good- together?
It's not about him; it's not even really about me. It's about the fact that we? Did not start there. Noone does. Relationships are always good when they start - marriages are always happy in the beginning... otherwise, people wouldn't get married, right? So how do you know, really, whether the person you choose to be with is going to be a long-term positive or negative influence on your life? In the movie, the married couple were not positive influences on each other. Now, the guy was a GIANT gherkin; so, not a perfect example.. but, even still, they didn't bring out the best in each other. Anyway, it just made me think - and I'm sure this concept has been part of the reason that I'm really very selective about who I get into any kind of singular relationship with. I've come to a place where I'm pretty healthy, my life is really pretty good and together - I don't want to muck it up! :D I'm sure I'm not alone in that, though...
Ok, off to snuggle under a comforter and enjoy my wine!
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
It's difficult, I guess. To nail yourself down to ONE belief, one train of thought, one existence. What if you're wrong? The Creator of the World, the God you worship -it's a big deal. So, I guess people are dealing with it by mixing their religions; it's kind of like hedging bets. The wildest one I've met so far is the Christian Buddhist. Tell me how THAT works. The only combined religion that really makes sense to me is Messianic Judaism - because Jesus? Was a Jew. They recognize the same God and live by the same principles. Where they divide is over who exactly the Messiah was. But, I've covered that in an earlier blog, so I'll drop that there.
This mixing of faiths? Seems dangerous to me. You're saying, essentially, that one is not enough. But it is - John 3:16 - For God so loved the world, that he gave his ONLY begotten son; so that whomever believes in Him, shall not be lost, but have eternal life."
One Son. One Life. One Need. One Result. ONE PATH.
Only needed one. God didn't need two children to save us; the sacrifice of the one was enough to cover all the sins, of all the believers in the World, until His 2nd coming. Think on the magnitude of that for a moment. That's one.big.sacrifice - all for us. To bridge the gap of our sins to His heart. One was all it took. So, for those that say they are Christian, why do we need more?
It's trust. We don't quite trust that one option is enough. That it covers all of it. And trust IS faith. Faith in what you can't see; faith in what you choose. And, for people today, trust? Is not a concept that we totally get. So, we mitigate that through choosing multiple paths - so, if we're wrong in one area, we might be right somewhere else. Tell me I'm wrong... because you see it EVERYWHERE. The problem with that is diminishing returns. I make a lot of correlations to dating, because they're easy references - so, here's another:
In high school, you dated one person at a time. They were your little boyfriend/girlfriend and you poured ALL your energy, focus, and mixed tapes into that one person. :) It was enough... well, at least for that week or two until the next infatuation came along. But as adults, oh we got smarter. We figured out that if we dated a BUNCH of people at one time, under the guise of 'non-committed,' we'd find the ONE person we'd want to spend time with faster. But it divides our attention; which in turn actually makes it harder to get to know who these people REALLY are, how they fit with US, and in turn... for them to know who we are. It doesn't work as well - and if you don't believe me? Check out our divorce rate.
God doesn't have a problem knowing who we are - but, we DO have an issue with being able to clearly see Him when we're also trying to figure out how He fits in with Buddah, Allah, and Pop Culture. Just as dating a bunch of people at one time rarely works out the way you'd want it to, you can't "date" a bunch of different religions - your two feet eventually have to pick one option in order for your faith to be able to properly expand and grow.
4. This still doesn't feel finished, but as you can see by the head cold reference (and you know me) - I started it a couple of weeks ago. Shoot me an email if you have thoughts on where I should take this - for now, must.go.to.work!
Sunday, February 8, 2009
This is all very much true on a global level. But over the course of day today, I started to think about the little things that I let sabotage my contentedness; where the gratitude starts to wear away. And, as I like to think that God has an awesome sense of loving humor, he presented me with another situational learning activity in this weekend's events.
For me, the 'love my life' outlook stems from Colossians 3:15. For anyone who might not be terribly familiar with that verse: "Let the peace of Christ rule your hearts; since as members of one body, you were called to Peace. And be thankful." There are 2 major words in that phrase, in my humble opinion "be thankful."
BE thankful. The word 'be' here denotes a verb, an active state of being. But, how do you BE 'thankful?' I mean, isn't that something that you show at Thanksgiving and maybe other National Holidays?? Part of it is looking at what 'thankful' meant then - now we use it as 'grateful.' Then, it still meant that, but it extended beyond to include 'grace.' So, it's taking the duty of appreciation/thankfulness for what's being done around you, allowing for the grace of imperfection, and extending it on to those that touch your life. At least, that's my way of looking at it.
Looking at it that way, it's hard for me to be overtly critical or harsh with people. Now, I've had my moments (Read: Months) when I've let this go by the wayside. When I stopped looking at "BEING" thankful and was simply 'situationally-appropriately appreciative.' The change in how it colored my life was pretty staggering. But, through God's graciousness and a few good friends ;) I got back with the program.
This weekend, though, I had a little bit of a slip-up. I hadn't really had enough sleep before leaving on Sunday - not complaining, was totally worth it. But, as the day wears on, you know.. your nerves do, too. So, Lindsey gets carsick on the way home, I spent the day with my ex-husband (whom I'm currently not thrilled with), and evidently, I'm more fond of road trips when I'm driving. By 7pm, I couldn't feel my butt anymore, I was WORN.OUT, and I just wanted to be home. Got to my parents and remembered that I needed gas... I could keep going, but you get the point - there was just a lot of little stuff that was building on me. I started to feel a little sorry for myself and got a little grumpy - I was NEVER going to get home! This stinks!
Yeah, I had JUST shot a text message saying something to that extent when BAM! Enter situational humor - Lindsey throws up all over the backseat (and floorboard) of my car. All of a sudden, my weariness no longer mattered and was very focused on a) my kid, b) the fact that my car was about to smell like vomit, and c) darnit! MY new handbag!!! Few minutes later, I got back into my slump - it couldn't get much worse than that. BAM! Situational humor again - she pukes. Again. Ok, I get it.
I started thinking about it - from a micro level, I was not 'being' grateful/thankful for my situational circumstances. Scoot back from the individual circumstance - I had just spent the day with my Father driving to see my Girls compete in a COOL competition where they placed extremely well. They were getting to do the things I had wanted for them (extra-curricular activities, not cheerleading specifically - that's what THEY wanted). They could do that because I have gainful employment, we live close to the gym, we've got friends that help make it all work when I'm working.. and I'm focused on the fact that my evening bag might be ruined and my car temporarily smells like puke?
And then it came back - I was grateful again. Not just for my life, but for the reality check that allowed for me to remember how much I have to continually be thankful for. To be happy about. And maybe that's how you "BE" happy when it's just you - you back it up when you start to get stuck on one bad thing. And maybe, sometimes the best way you can do that is to help other people do it, too? I'm working on this with my kiddos right now - there's SO much drama when you're younger.
There's probably more to say on this, but it's crazy long as it is and I'm kind of tired of being on the computer. Later folks!
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Faith and I? Did not. Over the years, I've flirted with the idea of committing to another church that was a reflection of the Faith I still held inside of me. I "dated" different churches, only to be let down in one way or another. Typically, it's a lack of substance that does me in - not altogether dissimilar from the typical issue with the men I date. Our core 'substances' don't match. I had almost resolved to singularly existing in a wierd world of 'coexistance' (1) in studying and practicing this hybrid between Judaism and Christianity (2). And then? I found the church I think I'm ready to get into a Long-Term Relationship with.I met my new relationship through, ironically enough, a guy. We were talking about faith on what could have been a date (3) and he started telling me about the church he went to. "You'd like my church," he said, "You should check it out." I murmured something about maybe doing so and we went back to looking at Christmas Lights. (4) A few weeks later, it came up again. I told him that I might stop by and check it out. And I did; he just didn't know it. Still doesn't actually; as I think I'd like to keep those two "relationships" seperate for some reason. I think it has something to do with purpose and intent. I'm there to worship and learn about my God; not get hooked-up.
It was awesome. It was informal and engaging and just felt like home. Like that easy first date where you meet and just can't stop talking to each other; completely in synch. I went again and still loved it. Stepped into the commitment pool a little further; checked into what they call 'cell groups' (their version of Sunday school/bible studies). Wanted to see how long it'd take to get a return phone call. Or if, you know, they were just 'texters' without real, discernable interest. Was this going to be a casual date or a potential long-term boyfriend?? Not 24 hours later, I got my answer - with a phone number and a request to call. I'm smitten. *Sigh*
So, there's the precursor to reason for straying from the typical relationship stuff that I normally write about. Just like when you finally find "that special someone" and you want to tell all of your friends about it; I'm pretty psyched about finding a Church that engages and challenges me - that I feel like I'm learning something from and can connect with. If it's not your thing, no big deal - just don't read it. ;) Now, I'm going to write a seperate blog about the concepts in the sermon that got me so geeked up and what I took from them... Enjoy!
1. Ok, some people see coexistance as just that; the tolerance of faiths that are divergent from your own. However, there are others that are actually viewing coexistance as their own religion; the embracement of all religions, culminating in what? The highest path or the greatest insurance policy? I don't know...
2. Yes, I know there's a religion called "Messianic Judaism," but it's not for me. Haven't found one that really didn't feel like an insurance policy.
3. I really couldn't tell with him. We went and did stuff several times, talked a ton and while I really like him - the whole time we were doing whatever, I couldn't figure out if I was on a date or out with a friend or just found my new business partner. He is a GREAT guy; It just shouldn't be that hard to read. Tragic, I know... but, he's not 'out of the club' and I'm convinced everyone comes into your life for a reason - maybe his reason was to point me to this Church??
4. As an aside, might have been one of the best outings I had that season; it was really a good time.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Growing up, I had this vision of how I'd spend my free time: riding horses and spending a lot of time listening to music, playing the piano, and singing. Preferrably in an environment where there were a lot of candles and wine. And a partner who enjoyed those things, too. In a setting somewhat like this:
Fast-forward to now. I never really found the partner who was into music like I was; however, I definitely have the setting and the music (by the way, I rarely ever ride - time gets in the way). With my scary eye last night I decided to stay home. Since they said the scary eye was caused by pressure that could have been caused by stress (they don't know what caused it, really); I started thinking about the things I used to do that I really enjoyed. I used to light an inordinate amount of candles and sing/listen to music pretty much every night. It was a stress relief and it? Was good. So, that's how I spent last night - well that and playing with my LifeCam. What were some of the ways you thought you were going to spend your 'free time' as an adult; and, do you spend it that way? What's fun and unwinding for you??
I'm kind of intruiged with my LifeCam - it's basically a webcam with a really long wire so it's more flexible and can capture more of what you're doing. It's NOT the action cam it somewhat advertises itself to be, though. I looked something like a schizoid just sitting at the table singing last night. It might have a place for vlogs, though; I'll likely be trying that out soon (might be a little more time efficient). I have an outtake below for your bemusement (I know it made me laugh out loud!).
Some things I noticed - I have to upload it to youtube to get it to work on myspace. When I do, it skews the video/audio feed timing. Good times. So, definitely need to work on that. You'd think I'd get cute for anything I was even remotely considering putting on here; but, truth be told, I don't care. :) It sets the bar kind of high; this way, when I AM presentable, it'll be a pleasant surprise. I'm not sure what cracked me up the most - I think it the fact that I was soooo off key and warbly in parts of it! LOL
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Fast-forward a decade and a divorce later, and the question comes up again. When dating, who pays the bill? It's amazing to me how touchy of a subject this can actually be. Let me start with saying that (much to my parents' and financial advisors' chagrin), I don't care all that much about money. I want to know I have enough to do the things I need to do – outside of that, it spends pretty freely. J Now, I don't own a lot of Manolos or expensive stuff. I can appreciate fine dining, but I don't care how expensive the restaurants I go to are (in fact, no lie – I think my favorite place to eat is Chipotle). So, now that said, money should –not- be an issue with anyone I'm with. Yet somehow, it seems like it is. Sometimes, anyway.
Sometimes it's an issue because I feel bad for guys. Why should you be expected to pay for a date just by virtue of being a man? Seems like a very unfair thing to me – have a penis? Pay the bill. So, I'll often offer to pick up the tab (or at least pay for myself). When I was younger, it was because I didn't want a guy to feel like I –owed- him. Now that I'm not as young, it's more along the lines of just being fair. It took me a while to get comfortable letting the guy pay for me; it's easier now, unless I'm just not interested in him (then it's still kind of unsettling). Sometimes I just pay the tab, usually if I'm enjoying the company I'm with. Half the time, I'm making just as much or more than the guy I'm going out with, anyway – so why not?
Which leads to a question; why does this cause pause for some men? At first, I thought I was imagining it – but, I'm not. It clearly makes many – if not even most – of the men that I've offered this to (or simply done) uncomfortable. Most recently? It was characterized as "generous." Why? What makes the act generous when the same has been done for me? According to Cosmo, men secretly have an issue when a girl is in a higher tax bracket – perhaps offering to pay for outings is "flaunting it?" I love this article from the Single Dating Expert where he, ever so briefly, recognizes the contradictory side - where women want the independence, but then get upset when men let them pay for a date in the same manner they'd pay for us. I sometimes wonder if we, as women, don't somewhat perpetuate the inequality when it comes to dating and finance.
I'll concede that it's easier for someone that is in the same economic ballpark as I am. I don't care if a man makes more than I do; but, it gives me a moment's pause if they make significantly less. Not because I'm concerned they won't be able to take care of me – but, because I don't want to fast-forward to the day when it becomes a palatable problem I have to deal with. And I know, hypocritical as it might be, it's a problem I'm not alone in facing – ever see 'The Caste System' episode of Sex and The City? While it ultimately worked out for them (see below if you are a SATC nut), there was a pretty relevant fight that I have had with a guy before about financially fitting in with friends…. So, I often find it's easier just not to deal with it. Not a hard-and-fast rule (like I said, 'the rules' were for the 20s), though. But with women's earning power increasing – do you think we're in for more Steve and Mirandas? Will it continue to matter, in this age of equality, who brings in the bacon or pays the bill?
Saturday, January 3, 2009
1)This (Me), That (Dating) & The Other (New Year's Resolutions)
2)The Women.My Life.First Blog Post of 2009
3)Friends, Frenemies, & Dates
and then this one ... they build on each other; or at least are related in theme. There's probably some stuff in here I should revisit - like some of my theories from back then better!!
There is, of course, another side to the 'not knowing where you stand' or having that slightly disfunctional dating relationship. You know, the one where you kind of feel like the person that someone's using to "kill time with" or the rebound relationship to get over someone. It's possible.. that the person you're with or angling for? Is just not that into you.
Not going to lie, I'm fairly excited about this movie. Cautiously so, anyway. I'm not overly thrilled about Greg Behrendt as a counselor, but he's a pretty funny comedian. And the book he wrote with Liz something or other - now a current culture staple, He's Just Not That Into You ... is also pretty funny. It's got some practical stuff in there, too. My personal favorite relates to the post-break-up return of stuff; and how often one side or the other wants to make it into a "meeting." And, of course, the only reason to do that is because you're hoping the meeting would spur someething to make it go back to the way it was before. You know, the good times.
Most people don't like the process of dating. I'm not looking down at them, because quite frankly, there are times I find it to be pretty tedious myself. I like the 'being in a relationship' part, for the most part anyway, but getting to that point can be a pain. Soooo, many of us in our rush to get there - to comfortable relationship status - we fixate on the wrong people. Oh, to be sure, they're probably perfectly nice people. Maybe they're the kind of people we think or -know- we should be with. Maybe there's just flat out hotness going on there. Whatever the reason, we want SO badly for them to be the guy/the girl that we ignore all the glaring signs that... they're not.
I know I've tried very, very, very hard to make guys that I'm just not compatible with "the one." Or at least 'the one until I'm ready to do something else with someone else.' I know, I know, there's probably a special little corner in hell reserved for me; but, it's not as bad as it sounds. I liked the guy and I -wanted- it to work. You know when you can look at someone and just really love the person they are and know that they're the kind of person we need, even if it's not what we necessarily want? At the end of the day, though, we realize that not wanting them, the missing element of that little spark, was enough to make the difference between a successful relationship and... not.
Then you have to tell the person. It's the right thing to do - you can't just fall off the face of the earth. That part? Sucks - we all know it. Noone ever wants to hurt anyone. But you have to do it. So, how you do it is an important thing and might actually need to be worded with more thought than when you asked someone out to begin with. For me, I usually fall back on my life - quite frequently it ends up being an issue in my relationships anyway (I'm a very busy girl). That seems to be pretty safe and the least painful. I'm looking forward to seeing how the movie handles the rejection angle.
But what do you do when you're the one that has to hear it? That someone's just not that into ME?? How's that possible -after all, I'm fabulous. Right? Right. Having to respond to a rejection is pretty hard and requires a ton of tact as well. You know that the person giving the rejection doesn't really want to hurt you - they just want it to be OVER. So, I'm going to agree with Greg here - do yourself a favor: Don't Drag it Out. Listen to what the message is - say something if you must... but then be done. Don't spend a ton of time "hashing it out" because it's not going to change anything.
Leave their stuff on the doorstep. Better yet, give what I do a shot: let the UPS guys deliver it for you. I don't leave stuff at guy's houses that I expect to get back - haven't in over 2 years. But, last time I did? I had keys - I got my stuff, left a note and his keys on the table and locked the door behind me. He? Was out of town. No fuss, no muss... no.drama!
Give yourself time before you see them again. Move-the-frick-on. Seriously, it's deluded to think that you can go from being romantically involved with someone to "just friends" overnight. You can't. Gotta give yourself time to not care. Not care about why you weren't 'the one;' not care about the girl or guy that might have gotten kissed goodnight last night ~ and not on the cheek. ;) Otherwise, you'll end up losing your cool - and maybe losing it in front of your "new friend." No bueno para you.
Get INVOLVED. Not necessarily with a person, because rebound relationships are really not all that cool. However, it's perfectly acceptable - and probably a good idea - to be active in different things. The Stephanie I referenced in my earlier blog? Brought up a GREAT site (of which I'm a member): Meetup.com. You'll find something to hit on any interest. For me? I like going to the art museum and walking at the park. Go out on a date within the month - but make sure you let the person you're going out with know you're newly uninvolved. It's really only fair.
Finding out a guy or gal isn't that into you is not fun; but, another way to look at it is as an opportunity. After all, you've just moved one guy or gal closer to finding the one who IS! :D Happy Hunting!
And it really deserved a mention. I won't share his name, but I will share some of his thoughts from our conversation last night. ;) I started it last night, but got super involved with the groove I was in (Mommy Track!) and forgot. Then this morning, I read a GREAT blog from Stephanie about just making new friends in general- great thing to focus on at the beginning of any year. Anyway, the combination of the two made me think about the follow-up thing again, and the different types of friends that we deal with on a regular basis in the dating world.
Friends - Of course, we all have our same-gender friends and the people that we've met along the way that we've never dated. We've got our group of core 'friends' that provide our support and then we usually have that one special friend (or maybe 2) that you can call and they know by the tone of your voice whether they need to hand you chocolate, salon therapy, or a good stiff drink. Thank GOD for those special people. :D But, since my overall theme is dating, we'll move on to those friends...
I have dated my fair share of guys that have ended up being my friend, as opposed to anything more. When you think about it, most of the people we date will either end up in this or the 'frenemies' category if they stay in our lives. In fact, some of the best people I know were men I went out on a date with and then realized I didnt want to lose - so, I stopped dating them. There IS one who realized we belonged there, so he guided us into the friend zone (good call, by the way) - and I love having these guys in my life. They're friends, they provide perspective and insight and we never have to talk about fashion! LOL Sometimes, I think this is the best result to come out of dating.
Getting to the friend zone can be kind of tricky. It's not like you instantly end up there - you have to work to get it there. First, you have to work through any residual feelings that the other side may still be fostering of a romantic or hurt nature. Sometimes, that just takes time. Often, it takes an explanation - that's less fun, but fair. I'm usually pretty up front in letting guys know that we're going to be happier in the end if we were just friends... and I tell them why I think that. The ones that I end up staying friends with (all but one, really) get it and respect it. Usually, a couple weeks and they're dating someone else later... and we'll meet for drinks and laugh about how awkward dating is. And it's all good. :)
When it's not all good, they become Frenemies. Very rarely will a guy or girl come out and tell you that they're angry, jaded or just don't like you. We're all FAR too civilized for that. But there are guys (and girls, but I date guys) that can't quite completely rise above the fact that you chose not to be with them. So, they insert little snide comments and deep down, you kind of know that they're not rooting for you to win they way you root for them. So, eventually, they linger away. Which is good, because it's AWKWARD! Do you ever just want to ask them, "What the hell? Really?" I know I do - there are a MILLION girls out there (or guys if you're a girl) and probably hundreds of thousands that we could be compatible with. So, is it really worth hanging on to the pettiness of being bitter about someone who wasn't? Seems like a lot of wasted energy for me, but it does make for some good Happy Hour stories. ;)
And then there's the friends you date. The ones who haven't made it into any permanent category yet. It's a wierd limbo-land. Here's where we pick up from the last blog. I made a comment about making sure that I know where I stand with you if we're dating. There's different ways to guage that, of course - and my friend that I referenced at the beginning? He reminded me of that. Not that I had forgotten that there's nothing wrong with taking your time with getting to know someone - most men I've dated will absolutely attest to the fact that I'm a 'take-it-slow' kind of girl. But even I need signs, man! LOL So, when my friend and I were discussing the blog last night, he shared his perspective with me (paraphrasing here:)
"When I was still out there dating (he's in a long-term relationship now), I liked to take it slow. Get to know them, become friends with them, and see how we communicated and such before moving into anything physical."
Lest anyone's mind be in the bedroom, we were NOT talking about sex. "But, what about simple things like hugs, brushes on the arm, or kissing someone goodnight -even if it's on the cheek - at the end of dates? Surely that's not rushing to anything, right?" It can be was essentially his reply. Yeah, and maybe he's right. It's certainly a hell of a lot easier to transition into the friend zone if you don't have any of that going on. :) And, come to think of it, I've done something like that with a couple of guys before - the ones that you think might have some heavy baggage or a myriad of other reasons that something inside of you says, "Not yet."
Here's the kicker, though, I think - if you're going to go the "18-inches-of-personal-space" route, you're going to need to verbally communicate your intentions. Let the person you're dating know that you're dating them so they know what's going on. Because, let's face it, noone likes to be in the dark. If you don't, expect to find yourself in 'the friend zone' while the person you were getting to know is out with someone else.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
*Blllleaaah!* Shake it off. New year, new start. AND, BONUS! Mimosas. And well, Cranberry Champagne with Rasberries. Whuat?? I fell asleep early last night - seems a shame to let it go to waste and besides, might make my afternoon walk more enjoyable. ;)
It made me think, though - that movie? The really good girl that goes to work, takes care of her husband, kiddo, goes to work, meets charitable obligations, has fantastic friends and non-frizzy curly hair (another damnit worthy moment, as mine drives me bonkers, which is why it's so frequently straightened)... she didn't do any of it well. And she was miserable.
"I spent an entire lifetime trying to be everything to everybody and somehow everyone ends up being somehow disappointed."
The problem was the woman didn't know herself. Sound familiar? She didn't know what she wanted out of life, out of herself; so she existed existentially though others. Good Lord, that sounds way too familiar. Can you say my twenties? Gah, I was so wrapped up in trying to be someone's perfect picture of .. I don't know what.. But whatever it was, I screwed it up marvelously. All the way through. It's always easier to Monday morning these things, I suppose... but, thankfully, for me, my thirties appear to be about coming into my own. Hopefully it doesn't take an entire decade to do it.
I should be fair, I suppose; it's not like I'm starting at ground zero. I got the marriage thing figured out a few years ago - namely, that we shouldn't be in it. I've built a career, and I'm good with the direction that's going in - moreso now that I'm in a company that isn't in quite as a demanding position in it's existence. There's some tweaking that needs to be done on the Mommy track. With the last position being SO demanding, I really do think the girls didn't get the attention they needed. They weren't CPS-level neglected, but they're getting to an age where they need more than general supervision and bedtime stories read. We need to be walking around the lake together in the afternoons, talking about the important stuff that shapes them. If we don't get a better handle on that now, then in a couple of years when it's REALLY important, they won't trust my opinion.
I'm also thinking of instituting little date nights with my girls each week. Just the three of us - nothing huge, just getting out of the rut and having a good time. It has been a little point of frustration for me that I get the 'serious time' with the girls and Jason gets all the 'fun time.' Don't misunderstand, I do -not- begrudge my children's Father being able to spend fun time with them; I just want the slow, easy moments with them, too. But slow, easy moments do not always come in the morning; so.. we're going to try to move them to one night. Just one night a week. Wish me luck. ;)
And then there's my love life. Seriously, I am a little miffed with that phrase - "love life." I mean, really. I -have- love in my life. Lots of it - just not the romantic variety at present. LOL I was talking to one of the guys I was considering dating - not so much now, he reminds me far too much of my ex and if that's what I wanted or needed, I'd still be IN that relationship. That's not compatible for me. Anyway, he was asking for my "rules." I nearly bust out laughing. The rules? That was part of my twenties. But even without "the rules," there are still some basic signs that show there's mutual interest. Want to move forward with me? Make sure I know we're on a date and not a business luncheon or hanging with pals. I wonder what signs other people look for while on a date?
So, as I start my first "New Years Day" of my thirties; I reflect back on the last decade and warmly close it and look forward to the next one. Must stop writing now; there's more champagne ... and rasberries.. yummmmmm. Later!