Myspace Migration: The Truth About Cats & Dogs

Current mood:breezy

Excerpts from a scene from the Movie, "The Truth About Cats and Dogs:"
Abbey (acting as Donna): "The truth is Helen of Troy. Helen of Troy - men die for that sh*t. The truth is, you would not be so enamoured with Abby (female lead) if she looked like... "

Male Lead whose Name I do not recall: "What? What are you talking about? Look, you know how someone's appearance can change the longer you know them; how a really attractive person can become, if you don't like them, more and more ugly - whereas someone you might not have noticed, that you wouldn't look at more than once, if you love them, can become the most beautiful thing you've ever seen. All you want to do is be near them....it doesn't matter what she looks like."

Ok, look at the bolded - is this true? I know we all want to believe this is true, but is it really? As a lark, I'm on a couple of dating sites (one because a friend works there and the other because it is centered around building of friendships with people of the same faith as I). I say as a lark because truly, unless a person is ok with a relationship being built largely on the phone and through emails, I don't have time to date. I've gone into the whys and wherefores of that in previous blogs, so no real reason to get into it again. Suffice it to say, at best, I'm a weekend dater unless it's summertime so that's really the time of year I'll truly look into starting a new relationship. It doesn't hurt that I'm generally very happy with my life and don't feel lonely, so there's no massive urge to MAKE time. Back on point, do people (I'm not going to point just to men, because I don't think it's a gender-specific issue) really feel like that?

On those dating sites, there's always a spot for the description of the physical appearance that people are looking for. Many times, you'll see every type listed or 'any' - however the site has it configured. However, as you start talking with people, or read their profiles further, you realize it's total bullox. Whether consciously or subconsciously, the wide array of accepted body-types, physical attributes and overall appearances has more to do with not turning off potential mates because they appear to be overly-obsessed with a particular 'type' than really the lack of having one. For me, I'm pretty open about it - if you have made it clear what you're physically looking for and I don't think I fit the bill, I'll flat out tell you I don't think I'm what you're looking for- let's be friends and you should move on in your search. I remember clearly talking with one guy who kept talking about his beautiful exes and told me how beautiful I was (clearly sucking up) and how he needed someone who wore well on his arm (he went to a lot of business functions). It became apparent through the course of a month's worth of coffee dates and phone conversations and one rather important business function for him that he was more interested in how I could be done up (did I mention he sent over a nutritionist to help me come up with the perfect eating plan thata would burn calories, minimize pores, and give me a 'glow' and emailed over a workout plan that targeted the 'trouble spots' on my body?) than he was in ME. Not that every guy is like that, but I know a lot of beta-boys that really need a beautiful mate on the exterior more than they need a beautiful soul/partner. Girls too - though, women are still by and large as a sex focused on the stability/career of their partners. Their need for valildation that they are, indeed, capable of having an attractive partner is paramount.

So, going back to the question, is that really true? Do people really care more about the insides than the out?

If you follow the train of thought that they do, how do they get to the point that they're able to look past the superficial, the exterior of appearance? I mean, don't they have to look at them to talk to them - to even get to the point of knowing someone, the first thing you see or have to deal with is someone's appearance. For me personally, I'm not overly hung up on appearances, for a couple of reasons: 1) I'm far from physically perfect and so how hypocritical would it be of me to have physical standards in a man that I myself have not obtained? 2) We all get wrinkled and most get squidgy in the end, anyway, if we're not already - so why hold that against someone? Even still, I have my own set of standards - I can't handle the morbidly obese and though I know in my soul it's wrong to judge someone by their appearance, there are a few people that I can't handle. Typically, they have chests that cave inward and there's just something about that which makes my stomach flip flop in a neauseating way. After three months, the same thing still happened and so I realized, that was probably a physical attribute which would be a deal breaker for me, despite how wonderful they were. Typing that out even feels shallow, but there you have it.

So maybe there has to be some level of physical attraction to get you to the point of where you can love someone - but, then once you love them, their physical form starts to be less and less important. So that, if over the span of a few years, they become less and less attractive either by the natural course of years or perhaps they gain 50 pounds or lose their hair or whatever.. but, it doesn't matter because you love them. Ok, that I can believe.

What do you think? I believe that an attractive person can become less so if their insides do not match their out; and I believe that you can keep loving someone just as much (if not more) because their soul is so attractive that it's very beauty envelops them. I believe that, though it is an awfully gushy notion to type out. :p But, at first glance, or through the first few conversations? I'm not sure I'm sold on that in the by and large. On an exception case, perhaps, but I'm not sure about the general rule. That may be my own insecurities playing out, but I doubt it. I think it's more curiousity than anything else. Can relationships start, develop and subsequently thrive if one of the involved is outside of the other's physical 'type?

Myspace Migration: Mr Wrong

Let's start with, I have identified my next "Mr. Wrong." I'm sure he's a lovely guy, but this weekend's exchange just left me feeling like he was a little bit, well... crazy. But, oh my goodness, our email exchange was funny - so much so, I thought I'd post it - maybe I can even get some perspective. Who knows? Maybe HE's right on the money and I'm the crazy one? And I'll probably blog about this one seperately because this is gonna be a fairly long blog, but there is a 'like attracts like' angle that might need to be addressed. And so it begins... (his words are in italics)

Date:

Apr 12, 2008 9:03 AM

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Oh, by the way...ouch!

Body:

You talk about what you want a guy to be...I am those things; yet, you look right past me...ouch! I will no longer ask why. Enjoy chasing the guys of your past and asking why they are not...maybe because you really want to be treated that way. What happened? I guess that I may never know.

That Guy Just Saying Bye

My Response:

(Part A) Jeff,

I'm not looking past you - and I'm not chasing guys in my past. They're chasing me; there's a pretty big difference. A friend that I used to date TWO YEARS AGO asked me to have dinner and I thought of it as a friendly thing - he didn't. That blog was about that. Seriously, why do you jump to conclusions and is this evidentiary of what you would do if I were actively pursuing you in the manner in which you evidently expect? That's really not ok.

When we started talking I told you I was busy and you do live four hours away. If you were really secure in who you were and who I am, you'd just let things naturally take it's course. The fact that you don't is concerning? What is with the melodrama?

Crystal

And then, because I realized there was more to say:

Apr 12, 2008 9:27 AM

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Body:

Jeff,

This has nothing to do with you and I - largely because there is no you and I; I don't know you well enough. It's more about something that may or may not provide a subject of introspection. I have noticed a pattern in which through the entire time I've known you, you have jumped to a lot of conclusions. You have constantly jumped to "is something wrong?" or "are you ok?" or whatever the negative scenario is with most situations. Why? I told you straight up, I'm not really focused on the negative things in life. I'm almost ALWAYS ok, nothing really stays wrong for long, and the stuff that is wrong gets better pretty quick.

You're a nice guy. I just don't get that about you. I'm just not a high-drama person.

Crystal

Now, if it were you - and you just got the emails I sent after you sent your own 'good-bye' drama-mail... you'd be done, right? haha.... I really should have let it go.... but, those who know me know I didn't. I'm going to spare copying his email and just go to my reply, because I dissect the VAST majority of his melodramatic email with hints of harlequin-esque type sentiments. I think that bugged me more than anything else, because REALLY, I do NOT know this guy well. He lives in Austin for cripes sake!

Apr 12, 2008 11:33 AM

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RE: And another thing?

Body:

"Interesting that you would call ME negative."
- I'm not saying you are negative, I'm saying that in practically every situation that has come up, you've jumped to the worst possible conclusion. Or at least, not a good one! It's been a little, I don't know, different - put-offish, even. And I've taken time to digest that each time it's come up. I'm not sure if that's something I can really deal with?

I always looked for a possibility to get to know a wonderful person that seemed to enjoy my company.
- And I have, too, but I've been really honest with you through this whole thing as to where I'm at at the moment - and it's something you're clearly not able to understand or accept, or tolerate. I'm REALLY busy and right now, dating? It's not a priority. My kids, my work, you know where the housing industry is at - it's been busy, things that have been going on with my friends that have required my attention - those are my priorities. Heck, just yesterday I took on even more responsiblity at work and I need time to wrap my mind around that! Beyond that, I've always been a 'take it pretty slow' kind of girl. I typically meet someone, become friends with them, if that goes well, we date. As such, I've NEVER had a guy "just disappear." That's a complete foriegn concept to me (and again, another drama moment?). Now, have I dated guys with baggage? Heck, yeah. (sometimes freight trains full) Of course, I'm not naive to think I don't have baggage, too - but, I do have most of my stuff figured out at this point.

Neverthelss, although you began with much enthusiasm, you have retreated for some time and have only looked for reasons not to meet.
- Seriously? Did you read what you wrote there? I've known of you for less than two months at this point, it's in the middle of the school year and I met you right around the time my company went through an organizational restructure (hello, Director of HR?). Since that time, I've had a LOT to do. As a management member yourself, that should be something you well understand. I don't have to LOOK for reasons not to meet- it's not a good time for me to jaunt off regularly to Austin and buddy, if you were that serious about wanting to meet me? I've got one sentence for you: Your heiney can just as easily drive back and forth to Dallas - didn't see you throwing that out there! :) So again, negative - and a little dramatic.

It is simply time for me to just accept that YOU will not allow things "take their natural course".
- Ok. If that works for you, that's fine. It's not the case, but whatever. Things don't have to be rushed, and NOW, Jeff. There's a lot of time left in this life - even in this season of this year! Again, I am just amazed that someone at your age, and your station in life doesn't appear to grasp the concept of responsibilities, obligations, and natural order of priorities.

When you were open, we enjoyed each other. However, you chose to close your heart to possibilities because...well, evidently several reasons - not me.
- It's interesting you never bothered to call and ask me about that before you jumped to that conclusion. But seriously, 'closed my heart to possibilities?' Hello, Harlequin romance? We BARELY know each other.

In short, I think that you have a beautiful heart that I wish not to hurt in any way;
- Thank you, likewise - you haven't hurt me. Confused the heck out of me, (and acted like a minor drama-queen) but no big deal. :)

thus, I do not want to be another one of those guys that just disappears without ever telling you why.
-Um, never had that happen before, but thanks?

I will consider it an honor that our paths have crossed regardless of how brief. I believe that our hearts and minds are forever reshaped by the sum of our experiences with others - meeting you has definitely been a positive addition.
-Again, thank you.

Please do not feel an obligation to respond, I just felt it appropriate to set the record straight, because there was a lot of supposition, conjecture and inaccuracies in what you wrote. I'm not saying, "It's all you" - it's not. My life is definitely not in a place where long-distance dating would be fun for anyone who wanted to give it a whirl at the moment - I can't provide the time it requires at present. But it's definitely PART you. You told me you were pretty even-keeled, but read back through your emails and think back on how you started most of your calls - they're dramatic, and you jump to your own conclusions without communicating to actually discern truth. They're not patient and they're certainly not trusting. Had you picked up the phone and called me to discuss this (instead of writing that drama-mail), perhaps we would have still come to the conclusion that we shouldn't go down the path of dating (which it seems pretty clear that at this point, we shouldn't), but you would have not just completely put-off someone who has the potential to be a good long-term friend.

I know I have a LITTLE crazy going on for writing him back for so long and not just saying, "Ok, cool, bye..."

That being said... am I off on him being a little 'off?'