Wasn't going to do Champagne Thursday this evening - after the Cape Cods with Wendy yesterday, I'm genuinely concerned about not giving the appearance of being an alcoholic - 'cause I'm not. Truly. However, after watching Grey's Anatomy, my mind has kicked into overdrive and so here I sit, with my glass, partaking after all.
Life's kind of funny. To some more than others; to me, it's really quite funny. Sometimes in that laugh-out-loud-until-your-sides-hurt-kind-of-way; others more in an isn't-that-a-kick-in-the-pants-ironic-kind-of-way. Sometimes the two join forces and then it gets really interesting. But, with the way I view the world, life is almost always humorous. Why? Because I am bright and shiny - not so much dark and twisty (though I can get there now and again, it's not really who I am).
I want to talk about relationships (nothing new). More than that, I want to talk about the guys that I'm talking to/dating right now. I've been trying to steer away from that lately, because there is more than one guy I'm talking to and I think that it's important to make the people you see feel special. It's hard to do if it's constantly thrown in their face that they're "one of X" that you're talking to (we almost all do it, talk to more than one person at a time, but how much do you really publicize it?). And I know with the exception of one guy, they read my blogs. Which is cool - it's not that I've anything to hide, I don't - I just ... I don't know... I don't know how excited I'd feel about reading details about dates/the relationships they have with other chicks.. so, I try to be somewhat considerate of that.
But, it's time. Time to talk through some of this, get it in print where I might even be able to have a dialogue with some of my friends about it. Nothing huge; just some thoughts.
Earlier this week I was accused of being "unromantic" by my friend Christopher. So, the first thing that does (of course) is make me think about the past and then the guys I'm dating/getting to know and try and figure out if he's right. I appreciate the fact that he feels comfortable enough with our friendship to point it out (though, I'm not sure I needed to be beaten over the head with it, Christopher... ); but, respectfully, I think he's only half-right. Maybe this falls along the lines of stoicism; but, I think there's a time and place for romance. It's lovely, it is... but, it can't rule our lives. It's idealistic; and passion for the sake of passion alone is not truly passionate. We can't really sustain that mentality 24/7/365. And, I submit, we really wouldn't want to - or shouldn't, anyway. Part of what makes romance and passion such wonderful states of being is that it isn't constant; it ebbs, flows and builds.
Also, there is the logical thought of it skews our rationality; which, we need. I need to make a decision on who I want to be with on more factors than if they make me hear the Philharmonic when I'm with them or if I can still feel their kiss goodnight the next day. Sure, those are fabulous feelings - it's just not the end-all. Not for me. I want my best friend... I can teach him how to kiss.
I've met some truly wonderful men over the last few months. Great guys. I've met a couple of stinkers, too; but, that's to be expected. (Note to men; when I say I don't care about how much money you make, I mean it - if I have to say it more than twice, it's a good hint to stop talking about it - I think this is pretty much universal to all self-sufficient women) There are a couple that I'm really interested in getting to know further and seeing where that leads. The points of commonality between them are interesting; as are their differences.
I'm attracted to professionals. I always have been; people who have a career versus a job. I think it compliments my own ambition - I may be joking when I say I want to rule the world, but I'm not joking when I say I love my career and being successful is important to me. Not at the expense of my children/family, but it is part of my mental well-being. And I guess that I feel like people who have a career get that.
Turns out, another point of commonality is music. With the exception of one guy that I can think of, every guy I've gone out with or am talking to is either really into music or is musical himself. That really makes me happy; I know, no newsflash there. But, I think the creativity behind that is really what's important to me - not just the shared interest.
But, that's really where the points of commonality between the guys I'm talking to/interested in ends. After that, they're very different people, all with different industries/professions and they handle themselves (and me) very differently. With one guy, I'm pretty sure of where I stand; with another, it's hard to find the footing. I can't tell if that's a sign or not, but I'm not overly concerned. I think what brought this up is that I found out that I'm probably going to run into one of the guys I'm seeing tomorrow night at the DMA - I'll be with my daughter, he'll be on a date. That will be interesting - kind of like broccoli is interesting (as an aside, I find it rather interesting that broccoli has a generally accepted reputation for making people gassey, yet so many people still eat it *Shrug*). It's ok, don't get me wrong - I am talking to/seeing and getting to know other people - why shouldn't he? But the thought I had as I hung up the phone laughing was that there's something a little unnatural about seeing your competition.
And that's where I took pause. My competition. I have never really, seriously looked at this whole dating thing as a competition before - because, really, there's no clear way to win. It's not like I can exert "X" amount of effort and get some kind of prize. No guy can win me by following "Y" path... so, it just didn't really seem like "competition" or "race" was really an applicable term to dating. But, the reality of the situation is that for both the guys I'm talking to and for myself, there is a comparative, if not competitive factor to it. And while I don't want to shortchange my kid by changing my plans because I don't want to see how I size up next to this chick, or put the guy in an odd situation; I have to concede, it gives me slight pause.
I'm really secure in who I am at this point in my life. I know my flaws and I know my high points; but I do not compare myself to other women. I'm just me - and I tend to look at how I'm living my life and how that matches up to the people that I'm talking to - not how it matches up to the other women they're talking to. And I like that. I don't want to mess that up. Because I don't want to deal with any insecurity beyond the fact that I don't like my butt and I don't look like I'm 17 anymore. LOL Seriously, I just don't want to wake up Saturday morning wondering if I'm as good for someone as someone else is. I don't want that worry (I guess that qualifies as a worry) and I don't need that stress. Does that make sense?
Of course, the reality of the situation is that question exists whether I see her or not. Whether I see any of the other women the guys I'm talking to are seeing - or if any of them ever see or get to know each other - the question of "how do we size up" still exists. I tried, once, this summer to compare and contrast the men I was seeing. Made a spreadsheet, a powerpoint presentation for my gal pals and everything (Hey, I concede I'm a geek - I had a broken foot/ankle and too much time on my hands). But, truly, they were impossible to compare because, like I said earlier, they were so different from one another. One guy was really emotional and sensitive, one guy was really manly and I'm pretty positive that the third guy was gay (though even after proof he still doesn't want to admit it, which in this day and age, I don't get). It comes down to personal preference and what you need in your life when it comes time to choose.
Choosing is a double-edged sword. It's a lovely luxury to be able to have options to choose from; but there's always buyer's remorse to be concerned with. Did you pick the right guy/girl? If you had done "A," B," or "C," would someone else have actually been the better choice?? It can be scary, so many of us opt not to choose; to just go merrily along until things sort themselves out. Overall in life, I'm pretty good at making choices; in fact, I'm fairly adept at it, I think. I'll research it, weigh it out and then make the decision... then it's done. People have remarked at how quickly and decisively I can act. But, with relationships, it's totally different. I'm one of those people that tend to (at this point in my life) sit back and see what happens. I don't want to make the wrong decision, so I will make no decision at all and just kind of go with the flow. The problem with that is, by not taking action and saying "Hey, I want to get to know you better; let's make this happen" or "I really like you and want to see where this could go" I think I could very well miss out - because it presents a laissez-faire kind of attitude that I don't wholly have.
All that being said, I'm not ready to make any kind of snap decision yet; I'm still getting to know people and seeing how we fit - but, hearing about Christy (the girl that will be at the DMA tomorrow night) made me chuckle and think about all of this. That and the whole Izzy/Alex thing on Grey's Anatomy.
There's more to say, but this blog posting is already hella long... soooo, I'll come back to it another time if I remember. To the guys I'm seeing/getting to know - thanks. There should probably be some kind of award for having to put up with my thought processes. :)