Ok, I know I'm adding to the other blog this weekend to cut down on the number of entries. I also know there's half a dozen other things I could or should be doing, but all I really want to do is write. So, that's what I'm going to do...
I was reading Susan's blog - (and, for those of you who like blogging and enjoy reading blogs, you must check out Susan likes Bandwagon's blog.. it's awesome) and was reading her blog on conformity - I think it's titled Words of wisdom for the non-conformist. It's a great blog and she's right - it does have a lot of substance and provokes thought. What more can you ask for Susan? Ok, back on point (have you ever noticed I bunny-trail a lot? I can't decide if it's a by-product of A.D.D. or if there's so many thoughts running around in my head I can't keep track of them all): she mentioned versions of herself and that struck a chord with me that I wanted to expound upon.
How many different "versions" of ourselves do we have? Are they seperate entities, or are they woven together to create one whole of ourselves?
Shoot, wanted to delve further into this, but Dad's on his way to fix my computer - need to get stuff ready. Will do it later.
Ok, so Dad came, but my computer is not fixed and now my monitor settings are screwed up, too (not sure if that's Dad or the electrical storm, though). Before I logged back on, I watched the electrical storm on the porch with some Reisling and wrote more, so... Continuing on:
So, do we present completely different people or just different facets of the same person? One would have to argue that unless you are struggling with a psychological disorder that it really could not be completely different people. So, to that end, there must be a "core you" that is present at all times and different facets of your personality that you can then choose to present/display as situations dictate? Which, can appear to be different versions of you and is probably why two people can see the same person in a completely different light.
So, who am I at my core? What comprises the "core Crystal?" I guess, to find that answer, I have to look at the constants in the different "versions of me." What stays the same? I guess, no matter what situation I'm in, I want to excel. There is really no time where I don't want to win, achieve, succeed, am not competitive, and so on... I don't neccessarily always want to sacrifice someone else to get ahead (there are the rare occassions where I don't care/it's an acceptable consequence to the situation); but, I will say that being among the best is a constant to my personality and so is a core piece of me.
It would probably be fair to say that I am also cerebral - there is no version of myself presented where I am not thinking, trying to learn, or be intelligent. I can't do the "dumb blonde" thing (which is such a misnomer - the most gooberish person I know has black hair). I can be ditzy on occassion, but it's more like "foot in mouth" syndrome. Anyway, even when I'm having fun, I like being an intellectual. I am inquisitive, in some versions of myself, I like to question, in others, I like to explore. And, I think, at my core, I'm a fun person. Or, perhaps, a fun-seeker. No matter what part of my personality is showing, I'm looking for "fun" and to "have a good time." Maybe that's why I'm so keen on enjoying my job. Now, my ideal of "a good time" ranges from snuggling on the couch, to having a good conversation, to listening to music/playing chess, or bungee jumping, camping, riding little race cars, or a myriad of other things that I get a kick out of. Fun is important to me. I'm sure you are thinking, "Yeah, but for whom is it not?" Take a close listen to me sometime over the course of a day or two - you'll hear the word "fun" come up at least a dozen times or two.
Where it gets more murky for me is in the little things (and it's all about the little things, right?)... things like feelings and sense of adventure. I enjoy adventure and risk-taking, but there are areas of my life where I'm quite reserved and conservative. I enjoy people.. there are very few situations in which I enjoy being alone.. even when I'm hurt, I deep down want to have someone around me (usually specific someones) to comfort me/work through things with if I can let the wall down long enough to let them know that (As an aside, "the wall" and "the rules" are both topics I need to explore further, but I'm not sure if myspace is the right forum those particular by-products of my neurosis). But, I can turn off my feelings - I can be reserved, even callous towards others. I can block off what I feel for what I believe is right - and yes, those can be mutually exclusive. Is that normal?? But, the rub is that I don't really know if that's who I am at my core, or what I've become through conditioning as some sort of safety mechanism.
So, there's still probably more to say on this - but, my brain is a little worn out on this subject and I want to address different types of people and the kind of people we/I want in our/my lives/life. That's gotta be a different posting, I think.