Dating & Arbor Day

I've personally never been one to really want to rush a relationship. Actually, the term "Commitment Phobic" might be a better phrase to describe my approach to relationships. For the last several years, I've been known to break out in hives and run the opposite direction when the terms "girlfriend" or "serious" were tossed out. Within weeks, I'd find a reason (1) to end things, a la Seinfeld... some silly obscure flaw or mental machination that justified saying:

(2)

So, imagine my utter confusion when I hear of friends or acquantainces rushing headfirst into major commitments and life-altering relationship statuses. It almost seems like it's some kind of a fad right now to 'take the plunge' after only being together a few short months. (3) Personally? I think it's kinda nuts; but to each their own, I guess. Pretty sure it's not going to be helping the divorce rate and associated statistics 10 years from now. On a semi-related vein, my ex-husband recently remarried. I really like the lady that's now my children's step-mother - thank goodness - but it was a really short courtship that initially gave me pause (4). I guess time will tell whether it was a hasty decision or not - but for now? They seem happy. A couple of friends of mine have gone through tumultuous divorces after whirlwind romances of under six months led them to marriage and subsquently divorce court within 13 months after saying "I Do."

Anyway, was talking about this with the guy that I've been dating over the last couple of months; because it IS kind of dumbfounding to me. He made what at first seemed like a pretty off-the-wall comment, "Need to see how they act on Arbor Day before you say 'I Do'." (5) Basically, the point is that there's wisdom in waiting at least a full year before making a life-long commitment to another person. I totally agree with this and could potentially see adding another year or few to that equation as being generally wise. Obviously, every situation is different... but, I do believe overall slow and steady wins the race... away from divorce court. When you think about it, everyone's on their best behavior at the beginning of a relationship. This is why I say it takes crazy at least a full three months to come out and play. Why lock yourself down before that?? So, Arbor Day... have you experienced it in your dating relationship yet? :)

(1) Or Thirty
(2) In reality, it really has been ME.. but, what fun is there in admitting that? Much better to potentially emotionally scar the other party by blaming them, right??? :p

(3) "a few short months" was intentional phrasing. Stacking up against the promise you make of 'forever' when you marry? Months are SHORT.

(4) Obviously, I want to see my ex- happy; but the pause was for the kids. Clearly, as a parent? I want to see their lives as stable and happy as possible! :) And when your kids say, "Dad's getting married because he wants to see where the relationship can go and this is the only way to do it?" Um... initial red flags. Fortunately, they weren't quite relaying the WHOLE story.. he really loves her, too. ;)

(5) Or something to that effect. Anyway, I knew there was a reason or few why I like him. ;)

What's in a Relationship Status?

It's absolutely amazing to me how important something as trivial as a Facebook 'relationship status' has become. Now I? Have never really been one to change that little bugger every time I'm seeing someone. I figure eventually I'll likely have to change it back (1) and what a pain THAT is. Nothing like 592 of your friends and acquaintainces being able to weigh in on the demise of your relationship. ESPECIALLY if it doesn't last long after the switch. :p



So, for me, I've been happily 'single' or 'divorced' (2) since my FB was made a few years ago. Same thing with my Myspace... And I'm okay with that. What I'm not okay with, though? Is the rash of really intrusive 'requests' to go out with this guy or that lately. It's like FB has become the new "Plenty of Fish" (3) or something; with your connections or randoms messaging you willy-nilly, asking you out. This would be flattering, except I've kind of made it obvious that I'm seeing someone; it's not like it's hidden, anyway. You can see a pretty distinct pattern if you look for it - and if you're going to be asking someone out? You should. Right??

Even still, I can easily dismiss the one-hit wonders who are respectful of my current level of disinterest once I point out that I'm dating someone. But, then there are the guys that just don't know when to quit. I REALLY want to believe that this is a guy thing; I have a hard time thinking a girl would be so persistent after being shot down. Am I wrong? A couple of times a week, I'll deal with one of these guys that just doesn't seem to know how to respect 'NO.' (4) Today's? Was enough to make me consider changing my FB status.. just to not have to deal with it anymore. Excerpt time:

Between XXXXX and You
****** ********** September 09 at 8:51am Your beautiful. I would love to get to know you better. Drinks?
Crystal Miller September 09 at 09:13am I am flattered by the interest; but I'm seeing someone. Take care.
****** ********** September 09 at 9:24am O. I am ok with that if you are.
Crystal Miller September 09 at 9:28am So, by 'seeing someone' I mean I actually have a boyfriend. Like, only seeing him? Thanks again, though. Take care.
****** ********** September 09 at 9:36am If there's no ring on your finger than you still have time to explore your options. I'm a great guy if you'd just give it a chance.
Crystal Miller September 09 at 9:40am So's my boyfriend. Seriously, 'no?' Means no. I won't respond again. Take care.

Eliminating THAT? might make the status change worth the subsequent comments. My fear? Is that it wouldn't be enough to do it.

(1) Yes, I realize that's a cynical view on relationships but let's face it.. most of the relationships we enter into as single people will end. If it was easy to find 'the one' there wouldn't be so many movies, songs, stories about trying to find them.

(2) Facebook didn't offer a "divorced" option when I first signed on. I kinda felt like a leper. Thanks, FB, for recitfying that.

(3) For my married friends or those who aren't internet-dating savvy? Plenty of Fish is a free dating site. It's suuper scary what's out there, folks.

(4) By the way, if you are one of those guys? Chicks tend to believe that it's NOT cute when you don't accept 'no' for 'no.' In fact, it's generally accepted among my girlfriends that if you can't take 'no' for face value through email? There's a really good chance you won't take 'no' in person and we'll end up needing to use Pepper Spray before the end of the date. It's not cute; it's creepy. 'Nuff said.

Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda

Was reading my facebook newsfeed this evening and saw a blurb from Shecky's Girl Blog about a musical band called the "Woulda, Coulda, Shouldas." I'll confess, I didn't really read the article; but it got me thinking about my own 'woulda, coulda, shouldas' just the same.

I've never been big on regret; largely, because once something's been done, you can't undo it. So what's the point of regret? Won't change anything. But, also... and more to the point, everything you do culminates into who you are. It's all part of you - so, regretting an action or decision feels like regretting yourself. Seems odd to me. Personally, I tend to just try to learn from my less-than-stellar decisions and move on. But, I like my life... maybe that helps.

It kind of raises the question, though.. would you do EVERYTHING the same if you had the chance to do it again? If you wouldn't, then does that inherently mean that you have regret? I look back on life, both in the short- and long-range and there are dozens of decisions that probably made the road I've traveled thus far a little more difficult. But to change them? That's a powerful desire... and a dangerous one, I think. For it is in adversity that character is forged; so, to want to do away with that? No, don't think so... not for me, anyway. ;)

“Forget regret, or life is yours to miss.” ~ Jonathan Larson

Found this in my drafts from August 2010; so, figured I'd post it...

So, I'm in my thirties and most of the people I know, went to school with, etc... they're married. Or, like me, have been married and are no longer. But we all had that day where we thought we were setting off down the path to "Happily Ever After;" only to find that 'Ever After' wasn't the same thing as forever. Yesterday, while getting brunch with a friend of mine, I picked up the Ladies Home Journal in her car. Christie Brinkley was on the cover; the article covered her fourth divorce. Four. Divorces. Surely she has to be asking herself the question that I think all divorcees ask themselves at some point: "When it comes to love and companionship; is 'Happily Ever After' really in my future?"

And on the surface, it's a tough question to answer. If you look at the statistics, the odds say it's basically a coin-toss. The 'marriage rate' is 7.1:1000 (total population) and the 'divorce rate' is 3.5:1000. So, basically, just shy of half of all marriages are tracking for divorce. And out of those that stay married? Not all of them say they'd do it again... in fact, only 85% of married women said they'd marry their husbands all over again (if they had the chance). Doesn't exactly inspire confidence in forever, does it? Maybe that's why co-habitation is on the rise in the emerging young adults of today... the percentages over doubling since 2002 (61% vs. 30% in 1992).

Of course, simply avoiding the "constriction" of "I dos" isn't a sure-fire method to eternal bliss... in fact, it might be quite the opposite. The Goldie Hawns/Kurt Russells of the world aside? Less than 1/3rd of co-habitating couples in the United States will stay in that relational state. More than half of those would ultimately walk down the aisle; and after they become Mr. & Mrs? Close to 90% will end up in divorce court before their 5th anniversary (1). Researchers surmised that this was due, in part, to a mindset that forms prior to marriage of "serial cohabitation." They cited that most people that lived together prior to marriage had done so with more than one partner prior to tying the knot; so the concept of permanence had already been distorted. But, if that's true, what does that say for people like Christy Brinkley... or people like my divorced friends and I? We've been married, we've been divorced... is our view of 'ever after' now distorted, too?? How do you know?


(1) according to a study done by Cornell and put out by Demography in 2006

It's About Your Voice...

Over the last few days, I had someone ask me why I write. After all, it's not my "job" and does anyone really care about what one person thinks, anyway? And, it's not like I'm an "expert" in any of the subjects I write in (mostly relationships, life as a single chick in Dallas/Fort Worth, parenting, and fashion). Gotta say, it's a thought-provoking line of questioning... one that doesn't offend me in the least. Here's my answer:

"The unexamined life is not worth living." ~Aristotle

I'm not a journalist by trade; don't expect I ever will be. But, I wholly disagree that I'm not an "expert" in any of the subjects I write about. Why? Because I write about
ME... and who knows more about that subject than I do? My writing is my voice on the subjects that I find capitvating. It's how I make my voice heard (1) and I personally think we all have a responsibility to examine our lives, see what we stand for, and make our voices heard. Now how you want to make it heard? Totally up to each individual - some people sing, some write, some grumble, some do it through the clothes they wear each day. There's dozens of ways to express that which you have examined; the point is that you do it. I'm pretty sure the stuff I write about isn't going to set the world on fire; but I enjoy it and hope some of you get a kick out of it as well. :) If I'm really lucky, then a couple of people will relate to something I've touched on and it'll spur self-examination... or at least a good conversation. But that's about as much as I've ever hoped for with it.

Writing has been an enjoyable creative outfit for me that's actually paid off, too. I've been given the opportunity to go to fun events in order to write about them later; and have been given free products to review and be photographed in. (2) Neither of which I ever expected when I started; but certainly get a kick out of! Mostly, though? Writing has helped create and strengthen some really great friendships. People can relate to what you share - and that's how we build relationships. And that's what I do: I build relationships, on all different levels, for a living, through networking people together through points of commonality. Guess it makes sense I'd do it for myself as well, right??

Make it a great day, folks; hope you take a chance to express your voice today

(1) well, that and my facebook; which is the vehicle for the rest of it, right?
(2) promotion rocks and God bless the marketing folks that are looking to exploit the 'everyday girl.' ;)

Series: Dating and Generation "Me" - Part 1, Background

So, in my last post, I mentioned that there were some issues with dating 'Generation Me-ers.' Think I'm ready to start working through that; so, here's the first in a 4-part series on my thoughts as of now (because I'm a GenMe, too... and it's all about me, right?? :p)...

The Basic Background Stuff
I should start with the glaringly obvious: -I- am a 'Generation Me Chick'... as is most of my dating pool. "Generation Me" refers to those born in the 70s through the 90s; and the common core of this generational population is that the needs of 'self' and the individual should come first... even above duty. This is the first Generation to have this belief as a common identity. This group has also been labeled the "Entitlement Generation" and accused of starting a Narcissism Epidemic... and to some extent? They're probably right; I know that it's a common complaint heard in dating.

Think about it, though: we've been taught, as 'Me-ers' from an early age to "Love Ourselves" and "Be All that We Can Be" (1) and "I Have to Love 'Me' Before I Can Love 'We'"... as a collective group, we're programmed to put ourselves first. Our needs, Our Wants, Our Job, Our [fill-in-the-blank]. They're not just rationalizations for past actions or things we tell those lacking in self-esteem; they're firmly entrenched beliefs 30-some-odd-years in the making.



Now, factor in those of us in our 30s and hitting 40 who've been through a divorce: this is an automatic trigger for self-centeredness, at least for a time post-event. That's not necessarily a bad thing because we need the self-reflection for change; but not all of us shift out of that. Between the two? Dating this age group can be a real challenege. We're more confident and assertive (2) than most of our previous generations... but, we're also more entitled, lazy, and miserable. Why? We're more money-focused, less willing to take personal responsibility, (3) and have a strong desire of immediate gratification... the "I WANT WHAT I WANT and I WANT IT NOW, THANKS" attitude. And if we don't? The tendancy is to abandon ship - where our 'older and wiser' generations were more prone to stick things out and working through stuff. The biggest issue I see with this is that for all our positives? The aforementioned negatives make the GenMe crew less adept at personal communication; because it's uncomfortable and noone likes that, right? Which is maybe ok if you're ordering in the drive-thru or dealing with the dry cleaner... but, not so much in a relationship.



The Relationship Background Info

And speaking of relationships, GenMes are seeing the relationship more as a temporal state-of-being and less permanent. This is best seen in the decline of the number of marriages - down 40% between 1970 and 2002. The reason for this is two-fold: firstly, GenMes have been the hardest hit generational group by divorce. Of the elder GenMes, nearly 50% have already been divorced. The younger GenMes (4) cite potential for divorce as a reason to avoid it. Around 52% of the 20-somethings have stated that they see "so few good marriages that they question marriage as a way of life." (5) And their response leads to the other reason there has been a decline in Marriage: GenMes? Are used to "trading up."

We live in an outdated society. Yes, that's what I meant- almost as soon as a new technology is released? A better one comes out that makes it antiquated. Fashion lines go out of style literally the month they're released... even our food is only good for a week or two. Life is built upon disposable, replaceable things. Our cars are traded out every few years; as are our homes. So why not our relationships? GenMes seem to agree; and so many have started down the road to what Professor Phillip Gray, chairman of the Sociology Department of the San Diego State University, as "the age of serial monogamy" - essentially, trading up to a newer, shinier relationship as problems emerge rather than dealing with them.

And that's a Ton O' Fun for those of us on the dating scene... :p





(1) Wait, that's The Army... but eh, close enough
(2) As a group.. there are definitely still some 'Beta-Boys' that fill the exception gap
(3) This is not necessarily true in the workplace; though there is more shifting of blame in a 'GenMe' than from their predecessors. This is likely because GenMes were raised with a high pressure from parents to achieve academically; which later translates into the workforce.
(4) Those in their 20s
(5) National Marriage Project, 2002

Have You Found Him Already???

As another birthday passes, I once again get pummeled with the question ALL single people just LOVE to be asked as part of the 'State of the Union' talk, "So, you found anybody you want to settle down with yet?" This is actually a 3 part answer... or rather, there are really 3 questions in there:

Question 1: Have I found anybody?
Answer: Sure, lots of 'anybodies.' I live in one of the biggest metropolitan areas in the United States. Now factor in that I'm slightly brighter than the corner streetlamp, kinda cute, most men find me an adorable mess and a bunch of fun? Of course there's a pretty big pool of bodies to choose from.

Question Two: Anybody you want to settle down with yet?
Answer: Um, no. There's been a guy or two I can see spending more time with, but even with the cool one? Not looking for the white picket fence yet; probably because I already kinda have it.

Which leads to the unspoken compound Question Three: Why not- is the problem them or you?
Compound Answer: Neither... and Both.





There are a couple of reasons surrounding dating "Generation Me-ers;" but the foundation of the issue is that I'm not really sure that I'm looking for, or even want, the 'His-and-Her towels,' 'Let's Grow Old Together' romance. This is where most women my age and men around a decade older? Think I'm nuts.

Listen, I'm not a complete ice queen; I see the benefit behind the ideal. And 7 years ago I was all over that like white on rice. 5 years ago, I was still very receptive. The last couple of years, though? I've come to realize my life kicks 19 kinds of Kung-Foo booty. I have it made; right now I can do what I want, when I want and need permission from nobody. Which I like. When I'm done with someone? I can get up and leave to do whatever I'm up for next. This is a pretty heady thing to give up.
Would I ever? Maybe- but that relationship would be long in it's gestation and pretty fanfreakingtabulous.

There's also relatively low frustration or relationship drama in my current set-up. Guys are given a threshold level for bs and when they pass it? I pass on them. Its actually kinda more entertainment than frustration. :p When I get bored? I can find a "shiny new toy" to play with and nobody faults me because it's pretty well accepted that most of the people in my dating age-range (35 to 42ish) have significant baggage.

So, between the two? I see no reason to settle or rush into something serious that I'm likely to find flawed and want out of faster than my annual physical. Besides, I've found that when people are trying to find "the one?" They are often not being their genuine self, anyway. But that's a story for another day, another issue. ;)

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