Week 2 Down: #TR30Days Update

For a faster "Catch-Up" Session?? Just read the updates in this color. :)  left the rest as a reference back. . .  If you're just catching this and want to know what it is?  Watch the video 

Gratitude: "Gratitude is not only the Greatest of all virtues; but the parent of all the others." ~ Cicero(Ok, this 'bucket' was absolutely snagged from @Sexythinker, the talented Ms. Amanda Hite - but it's fantastic & absolutely fits with where I want my focus to remain!)

• Make a point of reaching out and expressing gratitude to 1 person that has made a positive impact in my life each day. Wk2 UPDATE: I'm loving this - and since gratitude doesn't have to be on a large scale? Might never stop.  This week I really tried to focus in on some of my neighbors that don't normally hear from me often due to our schedules...but, matter just the same. :)  It was eye-opening for me when one of them actually admitted they didn't think I remembered them.  Oops, that's kind of a fail on my part.  So, can't just do a 'drive-by gratitudnal' exercise - must stay in touch.
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• Start integrating gratitude as a prosocial behavioral motivator in my work UPDATE: I'm doing this - put the game-plan into action; not sure if it's noticed yet or not but I'm not doing it for the 'kudos.'  
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• Share 1 thing a day from the Encyclopedia of Gratitude & write about how it's positively affected my life - why I'm grateful for it, too! UPDATE: This week my gratitude writings were on & why it made me grateful:
• Things that Make Me Uncomfortable - it's a growing opportunity
• My Children's Laughter - best 'emotional reset' ever
• Missing Someone - Emotional Capacity, Memories, Opportunity
• Hot Showers - Seriously, esp. after a workout? This can, at times, be better than chocolate or maybe even sex (sometimes?). Just sayin'
• Farmer's Markets - Culture. Good Food.  Fun.
• Modern Medicine - Prolonged Life.  It's not the middle ages. Yay.
• Fireworks - Coolness. Memories. 
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• Pay it Backward - Reach out to one person that has 'paid it forward' with me and see how I can help them in return... then do it! UPDATE: Reached out this week with an identified opportunity that really COULD help that we'd discussed a couple weeks ago with an action plan of what I am capable of helping with given current obligations - we'll see what the response is. :)

Social:

• Make a point of working on repairing a couple of key relationships that I let lapse over the last year UPDATE: I've done what I can do with this - so, now it's just keeping up with it.  It's been an emotionally charged couple of weeks; and at the risk of being redundant? Eye-opening.  Just didn't really see how sliding in and out of someone's life could be that big of an impact outside of close friends & family... but, it can and is.  So, I'm more mindful now & will be ongoing.
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• Do something with 1-2 friends that I normally don't get time to go do things with - expand my social 'outings' outside of my norm so I can really get to better know and appreciate my friends/connections - going to try to schedule something once a week. UPDATE: So much fun this week spending time with Ashley & looking forward to doing it again in a couple of weeks. :)  Including the kids in this next week's 'expansion' - should be fun!
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• Be open to dating - still not real hip on the thought of another serious relationship; but I guess they don't start there, do they?? :) So, I'm resolved to say 'Absolutely' to at least one invitation over the next 30 days. Still has to be with someone I'd WANT to go out with - I'm not going to just say 'sure' to anybody. Criteria should still apply, right??? :) UPDATE:  I've been on 2 dates.  I'm calling this one accomplished.  I'm open to it.  Funny thing happened, though - one of the guys has 3 small kids & he actually called to cancel our date after reading my dating blog entries because he knew I didn't know he had kids & thought I wouldn't want to go out with him.  Ha.haha.hahaha - that was YEARS ago when I did that experiment/wrote that - was a few years away from 30... so, explained my perspective/capacity has changed somewhat.  He's not the right guy; but it's not because of his kids. :) 
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• Restart Champagne Thursdays with the local ladies! :D UPDATE: Didn't do it this week - our schedules didn't sync.  Sorry, ladies - maybe this next week?

Giving Back- Volunteering/Altruism Project:

• Complete the Natural Disaster Donation Project (1) by end of June.UPDATE: More drop-offs done.  Last pick-up scheduled for July 14th - that's their next availability.
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• Start the "Altruism Adventure" with the girls - teaching the importance of altruism, demonstrate the principle in my own life & have the 3 of us perform 1 altruistic act a week. UPDATE: Started.  We've started giving to "love drop" & today we're dropping off some stuff to Presby Plano. 
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• Continue volunteer efforts - for this 30-days, want to include work with Attitudes & Attire. UPDATE: Done! :)
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• Organize a suit drive for Attitudes & Attire. UPDATE: Started collecting stuff yesterday! :)
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• Find a workable date for the Blood Drive for Providence & continue to work towards facilitating/organizing that event. UPDATE: Still no progress.  This bullet?  Might not be accomplished. :(

Health & Fitness - Mental & Physical:

• Drink my 3 liters of water a day (and stop complaining that I don't like how it tastes! LOL) UPDATE: Not complaining.  I'm closer - but this? Is NOT easy.  I feel water-logged.
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• Integrate One 15k each week IN ADDITION to the daily 10ks... cut time by 30-seconds/mile UPDATE: Had medical work done and was a little sore - missed 3 days.  Did get a 15k in, though! 
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• Restart Physical Therapy for my jaw - increase opening from 24mm to 28mm by end of 30days UPDATE: Doing my home exercises!  Only 1 migraine this week.  PROGRESS! :)
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• 1 hour of dance EVERY day UPDATE: DID THIS!! :) SO.MUCH.FUN!!!  I LOVE THIS SO SO MUCH!  Totally fell & busted my butt, though - and bruised the daylights out of my knee. :p  Have pictures.  Should post.  They're funny.
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• Do squats for 30 minutes every day while watching "How I Met Your Mother" UPDATE: My butt & thighs are sore - outside of this? I see no difference.  Doing it, though.
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• Start friends Bible study with A (and maybe Julie?) UPDATE: Every day, every day, every day - love it.  Added Swindoll back in - don't think I can add anything else at this point but I'm enjoying the dedication time. 
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• 5:30 am workouts 3 days a week with Heather UPDATE: Yeah, not so much. Need to call Heather.  
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• Read 3 books a week - but make sure one is just for fun and one is for general learning & one is for business (rather than ALL on business). UPDATE: Started: The Help (fun), The Social Animal (business category), and Girl Wars (parenting: general category) this week. - Behind on reading.  Almost done with The Help; halfway through Girl Wars.  Two chapters into Social Animal.  So... continuing on these 3.

Business:

• Register for remaining conferences for 2011. UPDATE: Almost done - have 3 more to register for: Blogher 2011, HRTech, & HRSouthwest. Oh, and Radical Toronto - guess that's 4!  So, not 100% sure I can make Blogher but I'm trying!
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• Solidify Q3 Social Media Plan & Strategies for TxMQ & Clients. Write proposal for same. UPDATE: The plan is about halfway done... have it completely laid out on my iPad 
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• Work with Lisa on her Q3 & Q4 professional plan. Update: We touched on it - but that's about it.  Gotta start this week.  Emailing her today so I don't forget.
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• Revisit 2011 business plan strategies for Q3 & Q4. UPDATE: Done.
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• Gain commitment to bi-weekly trainings for team & write schedule.UPDATE: Broached subject; started working on training material revamp.
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• Finish new BD opp presentation for potential RPO client. UPDATE: Done! :)
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• Restart video blogging for work. Commit to 1/week UPDATE: Decided I'm not ready for work vlogs; so switched this to personal & prosocial vlogging so I can be ready for the next 30 day challenge. :) 
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• Identify a potential Jr. BD person for DFW. UPDATE: Done & Done. :)

#TR30 Days - Life, Liberty, & the Pursuit of Happiness.

Whenever I'm catching up with anyone, that's what I ask about.. "How's life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness?" Of course, very few people really address the 'liberty' part of that question because the "truths that we hold self-evident" when it comes to freedom are now just somewhat taken for granted.  We see them as an 'inalienable right' but I'm not sure we have any real idea what the responsibility we have to it anymore when it comes to the practical implementation IN our lives.

Life.  Liberty. Responsibility.

That's right - responsibility.  We have a responsibility to ourselves, our fellow family/friends/coworkers/relationships/citizens to make our lives count - life?  It's transitory and each moment is an opportunity that we don't get back. For so many of us, we are fully focused on what we expect from life.  Today, I renew my focus on my responsibility to what life expects from ME.  For anyone else that thinks they might benefit from the same perspective shift?  Feel free to join in. :)  Thanks, in part, to our Founding Fathers?  I don't have to worry about having my ability to make a life - it's protected with our justice system, I can make a living, I have the assurance of being treated equally to everyone else, I can love whomever I want (1)... I think I've been a little careless & have been guilty of taking these 'life liberties' for granted.  Honestly, I think we all do now & again.   Even today, much of the world doesn't have these rights that we're so used to enjoying that we forget they're there.  But, since we in the U.S. do, we can subordinate our self-interest in service of tapping into a potential to impacting the lives of those around us - because we have the capacity to make an impact that is so much more profound & real than what we often allow ourselves to know.  To me, that's a real 'firecracker moment' right there. :)

Over the last few weeks, I've been almost myopically focused on people that have shifted their focus from self-interest to 'selfless-interest.'  They've really focused on the responsibility they have to their lives & liberty in their communities. (2) And as such?  There's been some downright AMAZING change they're been able to affect in a reach that probably far surpasses what they first imagined they could.  They didn't 'sacrifice' their lives, interests, or relationships to do it, either... they connected their service to all of those things.  Instead of just passing time boozing it up in a bar with buddies or looking only to how they could improve their own little homesteads with their neighbor(s)? They outreach, making a difference WITH their friends, coworkers, and companies.  They're bringing us things like #ConnectedCapitalism, #NoKidHungry,  #TR30Days, Itstartswithus.us, lovedrop.us, #livestrong and dozens of other really cool examples.  They have a blast AND make the world a better place while doing it.  A few examples of the people involved in these movements - if you wanted to look at what those lives might look like?  @SexyThinker @ItStartsWithUs @Ty_Sullivan @CultureDude @LanceArmstrong @speaktothegeek  - Thanks for challenging the framework of my perspectives on 'the good life' without even knowing it.  And to my fellow #TR30Days Tribe Members?  You guys inspire EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. to push farther, harder, and to not give up.  Thanks for that.

I'll say this... Those people?  This movement of 'subordinated self-interest for the greater good?' It's redefined the way I look at life & liberty...  And mostly, what that means in the pursuit of happiness.  A few weeks back I wrote about how we will trade contentedness in for misery on our "pursuit of happyness" in our personal relationships (3) - but I'm realizing it's a whole lot bigger than just that.  More on that next time... Happy 4th, Y'all; here's hoping we all take a few minutes today to think about what we're doing to pursue the life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness that we were given the right to so many years ago. (4)

(1) that wants to love me back, I guess; as I'm not a Single White Female kinda gal. ;p
(2) online, physical community, and also business community/industry - not just talking in their little Mayberry towns, folks!
(3) Being Content & How it Makes Me Feel When.. What?!
(4) And in yet another example of the United States' #educationalfail?  40-something percent of people in the United States Do.Not.Know. that the Colonies declared intentions for Independence in 1776.  28%? Don't know that that declaration - was made To.The.British.  Seriously, folks?? #FAIL  - Here's more Fun Fourth Facts, courtesy of Fox News. :)

Horrible Bosses

Today I took my eldest daughter to the movies. While there, saw the previews for this new movie:  "Horrible Bosses."



It looked kinda funny.. honestly, the Prius comment was enough to pull me over to their darkside.  I'll be there watching.  Besides, Spacey is a total genius.  So, it got me to thinking about the "bad boss" experiences I've had.  While it's never cool to flat out badmouth your boss; come ON... we've ALL had that superior who was really only that in name only.  It's okay to admit it; we can laugh and learn from them!   My own personal favorite #badboss story?  Was a total example of how people are often promoted to the level of their own incompetence & proved that just because you're a good salesperson doesn't mean you're going to be a good manager.

To set the stage, I was a newbie on the HR Consulting/Recruiting scene. I had, in fact, just landed my first deal - and it was a big one. Set Company records, in fact.  To say I was stoked was a little bit of an understatement. (1)  I went to go find my 'big boss' - the one I also worked directly with... buuut, he wasn't available.  Out on a client call or something of the like.  So, I went to find my 'little boss' - the guy right above me.  He was fairly new to the management scene at our Company and had the reputation of being something of a playboy.  Not being one to subscribe to office gossip, though?  I totally ignored it.  BAD MOVE.   I entered his office and shared the good news.  His response?  Completely.Blew.Me.Away....

"That's fantastic!  How do you feel??"  he asked.  That was innocent enough...right??

"Um, great (obviously).  Total rush closing deals... Of course, now we have to do it all over again... but that's the game, right??"

"Uh-huh.. hey, so what's your favorite sexual fantasy?"  No joke; that is exactly what he said.

I totally sat there stunned for a second; trying to figure out what step I missed.  "Say what??"

"Hey, it's easy to get all worked up over these deals; so you know, you talk about something that will keep you ... chillaxed."  Again, not kidding.

Not quite knowing what to do yet; I just stare. Kinda blankly.  At him.

Sensing I'm not quite into his playboy groove, he's starting to get a little antsy... "Well, you know, it keeps you loose and takes your mind off what just happened."  Uh-huh.  RIIIIGHT.


Now?  I'm just P.O.'d.  I'm not some bimbo barbie & this guy?? Was totally about to get it.  I looked him dead in the eye & said evenly, "Ok, I can appreciate that maybe pent-up blood-flow in your trousers is inhibiting blood-flow to the brain?  But why in the world would I -NOT- want to think about the fact that I just scored a 6-digit deal for my new company?? Furthermore, why you think I'd want to discuss ANY part of my sex life at work? And with a guy who gives me the creeps on levels I haven't even defined yet?? BEYOND ME.

But you're in luck, because I'm going to do you a solid... I'm going to walk out of this office and pretend you weren't just stupid enough to expose the Company to a MASSIVE sexual harassment complaint and YOU? Will never say anything to me again.  Not One Word.  About ANYTHING; not unless I ask you to.  And it's pretty even money that I won't.  Got it?"

Not gonna lie, as enraged as I was at his totally peeing all over the excitement that came with closing that deal?  I couldn't help but smirk at his gaping mouth and completely confused face as I walked out of his office.  I was positive I was going to be fired and waited for the other shoe to drop for about a month.  But, it never did. I know I should have turned him in; but, in truth? That behavior was condoned in that company culture.  Not sure my experience with him was remotely bad enough to consider killing him the way the characters in the movie do with their "Horrible Bosses" but... it was enough that he was rightly known in my circle of friends as "Asshat" for a few years.

For more fun #badboss stories, check out that hash-tag on Twitter or you can visit WorkingAmerica for more fun stories - I already queued the link to the right page!  You can also submit your own "bad boss" story in their contest for a chance to win a 'Bad Boss Survival Kit.'


(1) Yeah, I'm totally not above tooting my own horn.

My June 2011 Tweet Cloud Wordle

Take 2: Bridge Over Troubled Water #TR30Days

Conclusion of "Before He Cheats" and "Here Without You"

So I tried to write this earlier -and did, I guess... but, it just wasn't ME. Too sterile, I think... educational (1) and not 'Crystalized.' :) Look I'm not a Counselor; and clearly I don't have all the answers on how to make a relationship perfect. I can say, "Logically, this makes sense to me" - but the execution of the logic doesn't always play out. So, consider "Here Without You" my dress rehearsal... much like the Simon & Garfunkel video I put above... you don't get a winner the first time out of the gate every time.

But it IS an important topic; one worth trying on again. What do you do when you see the ship isn't sailing on calm waters anymore? When your employee is disengaged or your significant other is clearly detached. We've all gone through both sides of it professionally, I think; in the not-too-distant past, I went through this with what is now my ex-boyfriend. A lot of a relationship should be private; so, I'm not going to be hashing out our disagreements on here. The individual disagreements aren't what sunk us, anyway- but, what I think DID is something that is applicable to all your relationships: Communication.

Funny, isn't it? I blog, I talk and make a living out of leveraging relational networks I build.. you think I'd have this communication thing nailed, right? Um, yeah... not so much. I may have book smarts; but I'm far from perfect! Truth be told? I detest conflict. So, I'll stuff something down for AGES & try to Pollyanna it (2) until I just can't do it anymore. Then, I'll have half-conversations and read a bunch of books trying to figure out how to fix the problem without rocking the boat too much. Professionally, for me it's easier because I can tell myself that if I avoid necessary conflict then I'm doing a disservice to my employer. I'm not doing a good job by sidestepping anything that might make my company more functional, or better. So, why am I more loyal to my employer than I am myself or someone I care about?

The answer is fear of the unknown. Dealing with a derailing relationship? That can be a little scary- I don't necessarily know the why... and what if I'm not prepared to? Because what if it's something I can't fix, or change??? Or wouldn't want to because I felt like I had given up enough of what I liked & enjoyed already?? (3) From what I read over the years, I'm not alone in that feeling... and it kind of makes sense. So, you might think, "What if my employee is interviewing elsewhere because they don't like the way I manage them?? I'm not prepared to change my management style.. I don't even KNOW another management style!! " OR "I know they're looking because I can't give them a raise. There's a budget freeze; there's nothing I can do... so why bring it up??"

Because if you don't? There's better than even money that your employee or partner will think you not only KNOW what's bothering them; they're going to think you don't care. And I think that's worse than dealing with it. For me personally, I saw the signs building up; I saw it coming, but I couldn't figure out what had happened to cause it. All I knew is that we both felt unappreciated, misunderstood, & not listened to. But, honestly? We hadn't had a complete conversation about it, either. I knew it, but let it go. Part of me wondered if his issues were shallow ones; I kind of knew better... but was pretty sure if that WAS something like 'I wasn't cute enough after he lost weight' or 'jeans & sweatshirts just didn't cut it?' I'd likely take a boot to his head. And truthfully? I knew it'd really hurt - because something like that? Shouldn't mean more than all the little things, the important things, the effort that I put into our relationship day in, day out. But, of course, it wasn't anything like that... I don't think, anyway.

That's not much different than the way one might feel in a working relationship... those doubts work on pretty much any level. Feeling unappreciated, misunderstood, and not listened to? That's a universal problem - and if your employees feel that way? You NEED to step back. Yes, it'd be nice if they came to you - but leadership dictates if you see the problem? Take the lead. BE OPEN - to communication, to new perspectives, to change - to the important stuff. Because you don't want to look back later and wonder "what if" when you lose the employee you REALLY wanted to keep.

With my ex? We never really did go through all our issues. Because we let them all build up; it was EXHAUSTING. Like, I need a vacation from my relationship kind of exhausting. Like if it were work, I'd be using a some PT time to reset... I'm sure he felt the same way - actually, I know he did. For not being a tumultuous relationship; I think we had more issues than any other relationship I've ever had. The first time we completely hashed out an issue was the week that we broke up. Why? Because we? Are Geniuses. (4) Had we tried it from the get-go; would the outcome have been different? Probably not, but we'll never know for sure because we never really tried. But one thing I do know for certain; we'd have known where we stood with each other a whole lot sooner.

And that alone might be worth it; I think. Even if you follow all the steps in the earlier blog and it doesn't work out; at least you a) know where you stand and b) that you tried. You'll know the direction you need to take next to get back to calmer seas. And that? Is a bridge over troubled water that even 25 years later? Is worth singing about.

(1) Thanks Lisa, for pointing out what I had been feeling.

(2) You know, always find the silver lining in the most ridiculous stuff?? :)

(3) Forget the fact that most of it wasn't asked for... but I knew it was needed for the greater good *rollin' eyes*

(4) Or slightly emotionally stunted... take your pick, lol...

GDE. Week Four: Brad

So Michael wasn’t bad… a little judgy, but overall we had a nice week. Which means jumppilot has a bar that’s been set for him; granted, it’s not all that high… but it’s a bar, nonetheless.

About Me:

I’m Seeking a woman with a great soul and smile. A woman with kindness in her heart. Someone that shares similar interests. A confident woman that wouldn’t mind having a man to lean on occasionally. I enjoy traveling abroad, playing my guitar, performing live with the band, spending time on my boat, but most of all… hanging out with my kids.

First Date:

Dinner, drinks, conversation, the usual getting to know each other stuff. Maybe out on my boat and drinks at the marina if you’re feeling bold!!

From: Jumppilot

You probably have the best written profile on here. It’s really long though. How many people actually read through all of it? I see a lot that I relate to and would like to get to know you better. Want to meet for dinner?

From: TheOneCrystal

I’m not sure how many people actually read all the way through the profile; I’m guessing by the number of “Ur HOT” emails? Probably not enough. What do you relate to or would you rather wait and tell me over dinner?

From: Jumppilot

Well, if you’re available for dinner Friday night then let’s do it over dinner. I live in Southlake – how far is that from where you live. Where is Aubrey, anyway? What kind of food do you like? There’s pretty much everything you can imagine here.

From: TheOneCrystal

So, my Mom’s a teacher in Southlake and my family (including the girls’ Dad) lives in Keller. I go through Southlake pretty much every Friday – how about we meet at Southlake Town Center? There’s this great little diner there, Taco Diner… have you been? Love their Cobb Salad, but forget what they actually call it there. If that works then I can meet you at 7:30 after I’ve dropped off the girls. Love the band pics.

From: Jumppilot

Yeah, that’s just something my friends and I do for fun. I love playing the guitar and have since I was a teenager. We’re all pilots and so that makes the whole thing a little more fun and where the jumppilot name came from. When you “fly the friendly skies?” You’re flying with me and my buddies. Taco Diner is great; I eat there once a week. Great mojitos. Sounds like a plan.

From: TheOneCrystal

Ok, I confess I’m not much of a mojito person and while I know you’re talking about United; I’ve also got to confess I only fly American and Southwest. So… over dinner you’ll have to tell me why I should try United Airlines for my next travel need. :) See you then. Thank goodness we have photos now; could you imagine if we were still in the days of “you’ll know me because I’ll have a book and yellow rose at my table??” LOL I just cracked myself up… later!

What was that?! “yellow rose at my table???” Sheesh… Ok, no points for smoothness there, Crystal. Fortunately, he’s older than I am - enough that I think that might be given grace under the “at least she’s chatting with me” or “she’ll grow out of it.” (1) Oh, snap!! I totally forgot to ask for his name! This’ll be fun…

(1) I’m ok with either, really- it's only a week, right?? :p

Here Without You...

....Follow Up to "Before He Cheats"

So, the signs are all there & something definitely feels up. The relationship hasn't ended; but it feels like you're HERE & they're? Mentally someplace else. Is it too late to reengage your Employee or repair your relationship? There's lots of advice on how to "Spot" problems but considerably less on the tools you need to "fix" them. Here's a few tips on how you can stop feeling the "here without you" blues in your personal/professional relationships & move forward to where you want to be:

1. First, throw out all the rules... Be open to the possibility that what's worked w/ others in your department won't fit the needs of this relationship; the articles that you’ve read aren’t set-in-stone relationship commandments, & the signs/triggers from past relationships aren't necessarily indicative of problems in this one. Drop your baggage & preconceived notions. Early in my career, I was taught that "special people dictate special circumstances." Basically, in this context, allow your relationships to have the flexibility needed to succeed & be open to other perspectives so you can reach a successful end-goal. What relationship or employee do you have that ISN'T special?? They all are.

2. Have the "Right" to BE Where You Are - As touchy-feeling as this may sound, (1) it's important to let the other person know that it's OKAY that they feel the way they do - you don't like that there's dysfunction, but you don't blame them for their feelings. (2) If you can't honestly say that? You're not ready to talk - without it, you're setting the stage for an argument & it's unlikely to end positively. It's also a good idea to set time-limits for your 'relationship discussions' - they shouldn't be marathons. Many Counselors suggest 15-30 min. for the first "timeline sync' conversation & then no more than 1 hr for each subsequent one. The last 10 minutes should be spent reviewing action plans on what each person is going to work through in order to make the next conversation productive.

3. Focus on the "Why," Not the "What" - Have you ever noticed that it's easy to deconstruct WHAT went wrong with relationships & the whom did what to whom?? Monday-Morning QB’ing the details of the dysfunction won't heal the relationship; it often makes it worse as it sets both parties on the defensive, increasing hurt & anger. So, instead of dealing with the symptoms; focus on diagnosing the root cause. Communication is KEY. Write down the last time each of you remember your relationship was firing on all cylinders & work backwards until your time-lines match. Remember to listen as much as you talk; be open to the probability that you both had a hand in creating your current situation – that allows you to accept responsibility.

4. And Then You Have to Do It... Accept Responsibility - That doesn't mean simply saying you’re sorry or calling yourself a putz. You have to take time to understand why you contributed through your actions/inaction the way you did; & what that means for you. This doesn't happen in a half an hour. Which means your first conversation about where you are? Won't be your last. Just as it took time to build a healthy relationship to begin with? It takes time to repair an unhealthy one. At the beginning of each conversation; own the mistakes or hurt feelings you had a h& in causing & let them know you're open to change (3) - it'll make it easier for your partner to do the same.

5. Stop Self-Sabotaging - In between those conversations, it's easy & tempting to indulge in unhealthy & negative behaviors. It's okay to admit, we've all done it - but it's really NOT okay for your relationship. Which is why I think a lot of us engage in them - somewhere in us we think it's easier to wreck the relationship, or drive the employee off, than it is to fix it. And you know what? We're right. But easier does NOT equal best... think about that. So, take time to figure out what those behaviors are for you & commit to doing it differently this time - once identified, they're easier to overcome. Grab a friend or mentor for accountability, if needed - they're there to help.

6. Create a New Game-Plan - Once you know where the relationship went off tracks & you've each taken ownership over the hands you had in it; it's time to admit the game-plan you were working off of? Wasn't really working for this relationship. So... make a new one! Be open to new ways of thinking, ask for input from your partner & be ready to work.

Establish new goals, boundaries, & expectations for where the two of you are NOW; it's really a little unrealistic to think this WOULDN'T need to happen as you grow together. This is actually part of the reason we have performance reviews; as we grow in our jobs, we game-film where we've been to see where we need to be for success moving forward. If you're not doing them in your Company? You should be. And Personally?? Why wouldn't we need something similar - do you want & need the same things out of a relationship at 35 that you needed at 18? Doubtful. (4)

7. "Re-Establish Engagement" - Put the plan in action & stop working things out on your own... you need to make sure that you keep the lines of communication open & reward positive behaviors - not like they're a puppy, but everyone likes knowing that they're meeting needs... whether it's at work, at home with family, with friends, or significant others. This is why recognition programs at work are so popular! It doesn't have to be financial; just a "I appreciate you" or "I can't tell you how much the work I see you doing means to me" goes a LONG way when it comes to increasing engagement in relationships.

(1) & I guess it is, but whatever, it's needed

(2) Their actions? Different story; but you can't & shouldn't police or dictate people's emotions.

(3) even if you don't know what that yet looks like

(4) this does NOT mean you bust out 360 degree review sheets for your partner & send them to your friends, each of your parents, & family members. That? Would be crazy. SMART goals, however? Totally cool (specific, measurable, attainable, realistic & timely)