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Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Myspace Migration: If it Takes a Village...

... then can I pick and choose which Villagers are involved? Because really, some of the neighbors that comprise the 'Village' of people that have been around my kids kind of makes me raise an eyebrow. Let me introduce you to the myriad of neighborhood villagers that we've dealt with over the years:

Crazy Cat Lady - Every neighborhood has one. Maybe it's not specific to just cats - maybe it's just more of a generic "animal lady." WE had a cat lady -- the woman had at least 7 different cats that lived at her house, and I don't know how many neighborhood strays that woman fed. It was a strange chorus that played each night, courtesy of our feline neighbors. Her whole house just kind of smelled...it was so strong you could smell it from the sidewalk. It.SERIOUSLY.was not right. As I was fairly convinced that stepping on her property might cause my family to contract some sort of animal illness, the kids were strictly forbidden from going on, or near, her property.

Don Juan de Yuckko - This one was tougher, as he was the father of a few of my kids' friends. This guy just didn't understand the concept of being married (which, was unfortunate, since he WAS married). What's worse, the man was not attractive - and kept telling me over and over that his 'heritage' required him to be this way (as I frequently asked him why he thought I would be interested in a married man, given I was single). He was constantly trying to "help me" with things, since I was this helpless single woman. Pffft. I'm a single, modern woman with a brain and a checkbook. Anything I can't handle myself, I'll hire someone to take care of. Anyway, as this guy was clearly lacking in any sort of moral compass, I wouldn't want him included in the "village" of people who influenced my children.

Rambo Rob - I actually have no idea if this is his name, as I'm a little too frightened to talk to him. But, it's what I call him all the same. This neighbor owns a private detective agency; and the number of cars, gadets, and surveillance is unnerving. The other day, he had a camera out on a tripod in front of one of his prop vehicles. It was.just.sitting.there. I don't know if it was recording something, or if he forgot it was there (which I doubt that), or what... but, when I got back? Still there. Sorry, I find that kind of creepy. That and the fact that I never see either of them outside unless they're having their cars washed, and even then, I don't really SEE them. Just the people washing the cars. There's just something kind of creepy about it. Are they watching me? Are they vampiric and only come out at night and that's why I never see them?

Mother of SAM - You know, like the parents of the 'son of sam?' Ok, I know that's kind of lame; but, there's this one kid in the neighborhood that I'm pretty sure there's even money on him becoming the next major serial killer. The kid is MESSED up. He's spent the better part of the year in alternative school; yet, his Mother? She thinks he's an angel. It wouldn't be so shocking if the child wasn't in the THIRD GRADE. Anyone that deluded is out of the village.

The Plastics - You know, the perfect people - the McDonalds Millionaires that want everyone to think they're perfect, so any hint of imperfection must immediately be purged. So, when the Parent's poor daughter gets a bubble butt... what is their solution? Plastic-freaking-surgery. I have no idea where they're going to have it done, but they've told their 10 year old they'll fix her butt with liposuction. It's really no wonder why their daughter is obsessed with her self-image and I won't be a bit suprised when the girl ends up either anorexic or over 400 pounds in about 20 years. There's another set in our neighborhood now that wants their daughter to have the lap band surgery. While she is pretty tubby, isn't Weight Watchers for kids a healthier way to go???

What neighbors would you keep out of "The Village to Raise Your Kids?"

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