There is no 'Foolproof' - but there are Fools!

A while back I decided to get back into the dating game after being out for longer than I should have. Quite by mistake, I dialed up a guy I had gone out with the year before. Of course, I had stood him up like 4 times - so, out of common decency I had just stopped calling him. But, for some reason, he still wanted to go out... so, we did. He was quite a bit older than me (like well over 10 years) - so, I figured honestly? He was probably just grateful that someone my age who was actually cute would go out with him. Yeah, I know I'm going to hell in a handbasket... but, it was what it was.

I thought I had stumbled upon a genuis plan... go out with someone older! I always have dated older men; but typically it was late 30s... not mid-40s (I'm 31). But, this was perfect! They've got their stuff together, they've got to be over the games, right? They'll be a little more forgiving of MY flaws because hey, let's face it ... they know they've got them, too. The whole thing would be a little more chill because they probably don't have the stamina to be out every night at dance clubs or hot spots... And they'd be a little grateful and giddy about dating the young, cute, smart chick (smart is now debatable)... oh yeah, THIS? Was a good idea.

So, we went out again. And again. And again. I wasn't overly attracted to him physically; but, he had a goofy charm that made up for that. We're all old and wrinkly in the end, anyway; right? Over time, I found I actually liked him! He was attentive, he was extremely patient, calming, and didn't mind my then newfound obsession with fashion. But... there WAS something off. I couldn't quite put my finger on it.. but, I started getting the feeling that he was embarassed of dating someone so much younger. Little comments here and there; a request to come by the house after dark because the neighbors were talking about 'the young chick in the heels.' (1) About the same time? An older chick starts popping up on his Facebook page; clearly 'marking her territory.'





I think we all know where this is going. Come to find out? He was seeing both of us - in hindsight, regardless of what he said, I think SHE was the relationship and I was the Trophy... the chick that helped him recapture a little bit of his lost youth. I was pretty crushed and angry at first; noone likes being lied to or used. Then, I went into complete denial about what was really going on. He said he didn't want to lose me, would do anything to keep me... He didn't mean for it to happen... was just odd timing and he thought if he told me someone else was interested? I'd leave. But, he saw how stupid it was now and just didn't want to lose me.... Ok. We can work with this. He said he was going to tell the other woman what had been going on; friends advised me to check into that. At first, I didn't want to - but, then in my denial state? Seemed like a good way to see if he came clean so we could move forward.

You know where this is going again, don't you? Turns out, he hadn't. And his "I'll do anything?" Another meaningless turn of phrase that I bought hook, line, sinker. Of course he hadn't told her. In the end, I had to face facts: there is no foolproof plan when it comes to dating. There's no magical formula to protect your feelings or ensure that you're going to end up with someone who won't appreciate you or hurt you. Dating? Is a giant roll of the dice. While my experience with that guy hurt, it also helped me learn something - when you're spending time devising plans trying to protect yourself... you're shortchanging yourself instead. You're taking possibilities out of the equation that might be exactly what you need and better than you imagined. (2) Hopefully HE learned that a sure-fire way to get someone to leave is to lie to them over, and over, and over again. But... I'm not holding my breath.

1. Yeah... I know, YOU see the signs. I? Wanted to believe in him. Anyone else hearing "Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, duuumb" to the tune of that Tums Commercial? No? Just me, I guess. :)

2. Certainly better than wierd, much older guys that turn out to be serial liars, anyway. Just sayin.' ;)

Every gal over the age of let's say... 10... understands the value of beautiful bling. We are taught from 'girl-hood' that accessories make an outfit and the most coveted item you'll ever own is your engagement/wedding RING. And the 30 BILLION DOLLARS Americans spend a year on jewelry (fashion & luxury)? Is total evidence to the iconic status of the bling. We buy it online, in stores, and even in our homes. Companies such as Silpada, Lia Sophia,(1) and Premiere Designs made home-party jewelry shopping a 'household staple' (no pun intended). The premise is you go to someone's house who 'Hosts/Hostesses' the party and gets free stuff based off the amount of the party sales. In return for the stuff you buy? The Host/Hostess feeds you. :) So, when I was invited to a home jewelry party for this evening a couple of weeks back? It didn't really phase me.





But, when I went tonight? It was SO.MUCH.FUN - and totally different than what I was expecting. There were 2 tables full of serving trays, stands, and bowls of different jewels, beads, and baubles for me to choose from. I could then design how I wanted those laid out on a variety of necklaces or bracelets. Let me tell you, for a chick who loves jewelry?? This was Christmas, Easter, New Year's and a great kiss all rolled into one! I got a little funky with my charm bracelet - but, it was to be expected once I saw the cute turquoise shoe that totally went with half the blue/turquoise-accented White House/Black Market clothing I had recently purchased. (2) I also made a really cute, clustered flower necklace/earrings that coordinate well with my WH/BM stuff. All in all? It was a win. See pics below.






This was the last "Build Your Bling" party - which made me a little sad that I hadn't discovered this 'gem' sooner. Of course, while affordable, at $80 for the evening? My pocketbook didn't mind that tonight was my first foray with them - I could definitely do some damage with them over time! Seriously, though, it IS affordable when you think about how I got three very intricate, semi-custom pieces that they assembled right in front of me. The company is moving into... you guessed it! Direct Sales. Look for them as JuJu Belle starting late June/Early July, I think. I've linked their Facebook page for you to check out their wares - some SERIOUSLY cute charms.




What I enjoyed the most, though? Was not the cute jewelry -which again, LOVE- but the conversation and social dynamic. Out of the 10-15 ladies that were there that evening? I came in only knowing the hostess, Rhiannon. By the time I left? I had made acquaintance with most of them and got networking information for at least half. We talked about 'vagazzling' (3), how toddlers will ignore 90% of what you say but will pick up on curse words 100% of the time.. with funny examples. I got to do a little campaigning for my Council run and found out that the copy of 'It's Complicated' that I had rented intending on watching with someone I've been getting to know? I should stop stalling on and watch IMMEDIATELY - but could skip 'Lovely Bones' (4). We griped about our diets, oohed and aahed over my kickin' shoes and fashion in general; and bonded over Sex and the City. These were the kinds of social interactions that most of us look forward to and just don't get enough of with all of our busy calendars and commitments. Kind of makes me want to host a party... we'll see when JuJu Belle launches... ;) In the meantime, I'll just enjoy the bling I made tonight and count the minutes before one of my kids try to swipe my charm bracelet!!








(1) I linked to my favorite Lia Sophia rep's page- she's awesome and has even been in print for her party prowess. ;) No, I did not receive any compensation for this - she doesn't even know I did it - but, if you buy from her, please mention my blog so -I- know the depths of my own influence (read the tagline: It IS all about ME, after all! ;) ).

(2) Check the 'Sale' section and You're Welcome. Code 9076 should get you 20% off for at least another week or two. Again, you're welcome. :)

(3) Props to Jennifer Love Hewitt for the new culture-reference - this particular evening we were discussing about what happens AFTER you 'vagazzle?' Because, seriously, that's gotta just be for looks - as the token guy/aka 'Stacy's husband' in the room said? "The friction would va-suck" - hellooooo, chafing!

(4) Something my ex-husband told me months ago and I wish I had heard again BEFORE I tried to watch it the other night. The Lovely Bones? Anything but lovely, IMO.

As a Search Consultant and Marketing Major; of course I'm a BIG fan of Social Media. It's not only a helpful business tool and an interest; but, over the last couple of years has become a way of life for me. So yes, I have accounts, handles, and pages on pretty much every platform out there - some I use more than others, but you get the point. I blog, I tweet, I'm branded. I'm connected to friends I had at 4 and some boyfriends I wish I hadn't really EVER connected with - but, you never know when 'being connected' will come in handy. ;) (1)

But, do you ever think that maybe - at least from a personal perspective - we're OVER-CONNECTED? Through social media, we're able to know far more than we ever have about the goings-on and interactions in others' lives. For people like me, my "friends" can know what I'm up to on nearly an hourly basis. I even "check-in" to the places I go/things I do & see via a program called Foursquare. Tack on all of the comments and interactions from my connections? There's not a lot of mystery to my world.



How much of a big deal is that when it comes to dating? Some could reasonably argue that those interactions give you something to talk about on a date. Sure, maybe - depending on how interactive you are with what's put on your page. But, the normal "How was your day, dear?" or "What did you do today?" questions one would typically ask their significant other? Seems slightly moot because you just say the status of "Best.Day.EVER" an hour ago! And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

I've taken note over the last couple of years that most of my friends have had some of their biggest disagreements over Facebook and Myspace. It's a BIG DEAL for some people to not have their 'relationship status' publicized by their significant other. Now personally? My 'Relationship Status' isn't likely to change unless there's a ring on my finger and a new last name that needs explaining. I just don't think it's that big of a deal - my friends know who I'm dating and that's good enough for me. Feelings get hurt when the comments left are generic or better yet? When they're told to leave generic or 'just friends' type comments yet are constantly reading very racy comments left by others. (3) One of my friends laughed at me yesterday when I was working through this subject with her and said, "You know, I'm MARRIED to the guy now and he STILL doesn't leave sweet comments on my page or declarations of love. I just don't care anymore because I have the ring on MY finger so those other flirty girls can suck it." (4)




I'll be honest; I always thought they were nuts. (5) I mean, come ON - it's a SOCIAL MEDIA site, for cripes sake! And for the most part, I still hold true that if you're in a stable relationship with someone? Still shouldn't matter - just have to trust the person you're with has decent judgement and is an honest jane or joe. But, what if you're NOT in a stable or established relationship? What if it's still new or you're just really 'dating' someone and so therefore you DON'T know what to expect or how to read things? I was discussing this with a guy I've been 'getting to know' and he said there should be some sort of ettiquite blog on how to handle this sort of thing and what's ok to do/not do on people's pages. So... I'm going to. Here's a sneak peak as it pertains with how to deal with the stuff you see on your significant other's/person's you're dating page(s):

1) DO recognize you likely don't know the person who made the comment and the nature of their relationship with your person. It might be totally innocent. So... if you have a question? Ask - and then accept the answer and let it go.

2) DO NOT use it as an opportunity to 'mark your territory' back. Comments like "Last night was amazing" or "I love you more than life itself" right after some questionable comment by some other chick/guy? Is completely transparent and is not only going to not mean much to the person you are dating/your S.O - but it SHOULD be embarrassing to you. Rise above, I say...

3) DO NOT start stalking the other people that are leaving your guy/girl comments. It's flat out unbalanced. Now, I totally get the natural curiousity to check them out - and that's probably not going to be a restraining-order level if you only do it ONCE, if you must. But, if you find yourself going 'cyber-spy' on them (6)?? Close the computer, use your 'phone-a-friend' lifeline and get some help.

4) If you can't do/refrain from the above three?? Stop looking at their profile completely - or better yet, find someone else to date that you actually CAN and WILL trust. Because at the end of the day? That's probably what it boils down to, anyway....

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(1) By the way, if you're trying to find me on a social media platform? Just try whatever website with the extension /theonecrystal, /the1crystal, or /crystalgmiller - I'm pretty well branded that way :D

(2) Besides, I tend to think you kind of look like a tool when you're in and out of a relationship enough that people start thinking you're a 'Jack-in-the-box.'

(3) Seriously, I remember leaving a conference to help a friend that I thought was going to have a panic attack from how upset she got reading one of them - granted, the chick leaving them was TOTALLY doing it to induce that exact reaction from my friend, but still... wowzers.

(4) That might have been paraphrased; but I think it's funnier this way and is still true to the spirit of the comment. :p

(5) Until a recent experience with it myself that doesn't bear going into because it's a) embarrassing and b) makes it hard for me to pretend like I'm above it all. :p Suffice it to say MY experience was extremely pale compared to some of the stories I've heard and lasted a total of a week or so before I slapped myself back out of the insanity.

(6) Or creating an alter-personna of the opposite gender to stalk them on a more personal level? *cough* Jasper *cough*

One Fine Day... We'll Figure it Out

Dating is fun. Dating is fun. Dating is fun. For some people, this is a mantra they have to repeat ad nauseum in the hopes that they might one day believe it. For them? Dating is decidedly NOT fun. Others enjoy it so much that they never stop dating... even after they get married! As usual, I'm kinda somewhere in the middle. I almost always enjoy myself when I'm out on a date with someone (excluding some of the just obvious awkward moments we all have to deal with); but arranging it and fitting it into my schedule can be something of a whip. (1)

I was talking with a guy recently that was by absolutely all accounts A-dorable. He was funny, handsome, outgoing, active and outdoorsey... loved God, kids, and big dogs. Seriously, all that was missing was the conversation about a penchant for the East Coast in the Fall and I would have likely supposed he came out of some kind of fairy-tale. Until, that is, he started talking about? Dating. For those of you that haven't dated in awhile; evidently, dating is a huge topic of conversation amongst single people. For the first few dates, it's not uncommon to talk and joke about former off-key dating experiences; in fact, it can be something of a bonding experience when you realize that you're not alone in feeling smothered when someone comes and "accidentally" leaves stuff at your house and then tells you to clear out a drawer for them. After you've only dated for a month. (Can you say CLINGY??) The various little antecdotes we share regarding our dating mishaps can humanize us ... and that can be a good thing, I think.



But on the other end of the spectrum, there's the guy (or gal) who can't stop belittling dating. Enter Frank. Met Frank on Match.com - which is of course, a dating site. This would imply to most that Frank wanted to date someone. Just sayin' - 'cause it's kind of what you do on dating sites; want to make friends? Go to meetup.com - there's a group for you. One would further think that Frank was interested in dating based off his proactively contacting me - and of course, I responded back because hello??? Did you READ the first paragraph? He sounded too good to be true.... And? He was. Turns out, Frank exhausts all the topics that make him cute in about 45 minutes. The next month? Was spent talking exclusively about how much he hated his job, his friends, and ... dating. And then how much he hated dating some more. And then some more. And then... get the picture?? Total.WHIP. So, of course, I dropped him like a hot potato. (1)





Tip for those who were previously unaware: negativity? Not so much attractive to most. An injection of saracasm is fine now and again; but to be submersed in it all the time is just .... bleh. If you're having trouble seeing something positive in dating, then perhaps it's time to stop. Take a breather; get to know yourself again and figure out where it went off the tracks for you. Otherwise, your dates are likely to categorize you as I did Frank - the whip that continually dampening my 'One Fine Day' and will find someone else with whom to spend their time. :)

(1) But, I console myself with the realization that, to some degree, that's probably going to be true of pretty much everyone else, too. At least the people I tend to see. ;)
(2) Come on, like you wouldn't?? Don't care how great the packaging looks; if the inside is reminiscent of decay? Moooove along. Furthermore, I have to ask myself what's the motivation behind these continually repeated conversations - where/what's the gain?

As I sit here, coffee cup in hand, let just say that most of the women I've ever known or talk to LOVE lingerie... but, hate shopping for it. I don't blame them; in fact, I'm totally within their ranks. Unless you're an active college-kid that's shed her freshman 15 or shaped like HER (1)??



Shopping for your intimates can be something of a ego-deflating experience. And where most women swear they're going to double their crunches or call a trainer the next day.

As a single chick and divorcee? I don't really have to worry about what anyone else thinks of my sleepwear - so, I buy what I like and that trends more around three things:

1. Cute (I'm 31 - Granny nightgowns are NOT allowed)
2. Comfortable (I'm a lounger during the late evening/early morning hours - so, this is important to me)
3. Moderate Modesty Level (I mean, I DO have 2 girls in my house)

For me, these criteria equal two places: Soma and The Undies (Her Room). What I love about Somas is that I walk in and they measure me. Believe it or not, if you've been under a rock (or are a guy) and haven't heard? Your cup size totally changes and for most women, it'll be several times throughout their lifetime. I have a smaller torso, so at this point my changes typically are in band size. Interestingly enough? When your band size goes down? Your cup size goes up. But when your band size goes up? Your cup size goes up. Talk about confusion! No wonder women spend their whole lives wearing the wrong bra size! But, they're fantastic at Somas and it equals a practically perfect fit, every time. :) And their sleepwear? Super cute and still comfy. Fits all of my criteria. The Undies? Check it out... you'll see why I love it. Consolidated shopping is the bomb. 'Nuff said.



Moving on, it does seem a little unfair to me that there's so much a gal's got to pay attention to when buying her unmentionables. So much that changes, shifts, moves and different types and ways to address them. With guys? Kinda simple - boxers, briefs, or boxer briefs. Ok, so you MAY find the leisure suit larry that's still into banana hammocks; but overall, three basic options that only change with your waistline (2). But still, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do... right? ESPECIALLY when you're not buying your intimates just for your own wearing pleasure. It wasn't so long ago that I was married that I can't recall what it was like to try to keep someone else's preferences in mind when shopping for my sleepwear. Not going to lie, it was a delicate balancing act... because those preferences were formed based off what was seen elsewhere (3) - which didn't necessarily mean it would work on me. The whole point of lingerie IS to be flattering, right?? :)

Was chatting with one of my best friends about this yesterday who was blessed with a near perfect body; but somewhat skewed self-perception. She likes shopping for this stuff just about as much as I do LOL. Anyway, we decided that at the end of the day, Lingerie can basically be boiled down to about 10 minutes of importance. Now, which ten minutes that actually is differs for the wearer and the.. beneficiary? :p For the wearer, it's the 10 minutes BEFORE getting into bed that are the important ones. Get dressed, smooth out - check the mirror - and when it fits/works? It's the 'feel good minutes.' Makes you feel good about being a girl, so to speak. :) If not, it's the 10 minutes where you frantically try to figure out how to hide the problem areas, give yourself a pep talk, or just say 'screw it' and employ the use of blind-folds. :)) Good times.




For the beneficiary? It's the 10 minutes AFTER you get into bed that count. Not that's a revelation of any kind; because lingerie is kind of an eye-candy thing. After that, it's often seen as 'in the way' and if they have their way? It ends up on the floor. But guys, a lot of women would just as soon prefer it be left ON - it makes them feel good... and if they feel good about themselves, isn't an 'everybody wins' moment? When this topic was broached for research and historical data from friends was shared; the biggest objection I got back was "but it puts up a divider - a separation of sorts." Hmm... ok. Granted, I don't live in Victoria's Secret (4), but isn't most of this stuff made of mesh or lace??? It's seriously not like it's the Great Wall of China or anything.

But it does bring up an interesting point: it's not called intimates for nothing. When they're worn to bed for the benefit of more than just yourself? There's even money that an intimate activity might follow. Sex has varying degrees of intimacy that can be a reflection on the level of relationship you have. I know if I'm not happy with someone I really don't necessarily want them to see me nekkid (5)!! So, I think in that instance or on those days when you're feeling less than generally secure about your body for whatever reason - and we ALL have those days - let it be. Unless, of course, it itches - and then throw it out and buy something else. ;)



(1) And PS? I'm not. lol And whoever designed those shoes is the new Mayor of Awesometown.
(2) Which face it, is pretty easy to correct. Size UP!
(3) Typically ON someone else that was 4 inches taller than I and waaay lankier
(4) I was truly disgusted last time I went and saw TEENAGERS trying on full-blown lingerie.
(5) Or have sex with them for that matter; but, I recognize that despite the blog banner, when in a relationship it can't be all about ME. LOL

"Are We or Aren't We?"

As I have stuck my toes to test the waters back in the dating pools lately; I have heard one question more times this past month or two than I have in the last ten years: "When do you know you're 'dating' someone and when you are their SOMEONE?" This question, boiled down, basically is asking how do you know if you're someone's boyfriend/girlfriend. Valid question, I guess...

I have one better, though - "What does it matter, really??" At the end of the day, isn't it kind of a label? If you're enjoying the time you're spending with the person you're spending it with... isn't that enough? Or is it? If it's such a popular topic of conversation amongst singles; it's got to have some level of importance to somebody. So, I start to query my single friends and those I've been chatting with... IS this a big deal and why?



For girls, seems as it's all about the safety net of exclusivity. Like it's a warm blanket on a cold night or the revealed path to 'happily ever after.' An arrival of sorts. So, it's about gain. The guys I've talked to have, largely, related to it in terms of loss of consortial-type activities (but without the legal responsibility). ;) As in, when they've got a girlfriend? They've gone 'exclusive' precluding their ability to do whatever with whomever. Now, there are the more romantically inclined or principled men that have focused more on the whole 'dating is a process that's designed to lead you towards a greater commitment' - but by and large? It's more about the sex. Just sayin.' The dumbest response I have heard was related to condoms - specifically that they could stop using them if they were exclusive. In which case, I hope neither of you were exposed to coodies that just haven't shown up on your tests yet.



Personally, I think this whole question is one where if you have to ask? You're probably not. It's been my general experience (and goodness knows I'm no Dating Pro that has all the answers) that you kinda can tell - just have to pay attention. How are you introduced? Do you spend quite a bit of time together (face/text/phone) or does it seem like there's better than even money that one or both of you are still 'playing the field?' Often, you can kind of figure it out and spare the awkward conversation... but, that's just me.

What if you NEED to have that conversation, though? What's the best way to have it? Blunt? Direct? Beating around the bush, so to speak?? Thoughts? Send 'em my way.... I'm intruiged. :)

Jesus Didn't Tap Out..

No, those words of wisdom didn't come from me; it was in my newsfeed from one of my FB friends. Got me thinking, though; during a season in my life where I have struggled with feeling 'tapped out' trying to balance it all? I'm surely grateful He didn't.

I teach my children to look to their faith for answers (and then tell them what to do and how to do it). I join a company for the team companionship (and then continue try to do it all on my own). I try to be there for my friends (but I rarely let them be there for me). Makes dates with really GREAT guys (but then don't have time to go on them). See a pattern emerging? :). 'Cause I think I do!

Three years ago, I wrote about trying to be 'supergirl' - wanted to have it all or die trying. Perhaps the truth to 'having it all' (or trick, depending on perspective) is that we don't have to TRY - Perhaps we already have it. God gave us all we need; and so of course provided a means to keep it! There is a sufficiency in the framework of our Faith that provides the balance that we alone lack... Keeps us in the game, keeps us from 'tapping out.'. There's loads of scriptures that point to that; but my banner has always flown under this one:

"I can do all things through Him that gives me strength." (Phillipians 4:13). So why am I so tired (besides the obvious medical issues, of course LOL)???

While trying to help a friend through some stuff, I realized that as I was preaching 'surrender your load to the Lord' - give it to Christ because He's big enough for this... I had the help, but wasn't surrendering the lead of the load. For whatever reason(s), be it remnants of control issues or simply not slowing down to breathe; I wasn't allowing the fruits of the faith to sustain Me. Need to fix that; or rather, need to take the fixes God's already provided me.

So that's it; there's my big revelation. I don't have it all worked out yet; but I'm publicly proclaiming to my friends that I am starting to 'get it' and what better time than Easter to write about it? After all, it's because Jesus didn't tap out that I don't have to, right???

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]