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Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Listen!... Bruised But Not Broken

Though sometimes it seems that friends, family, society-at-large might -intentionally or otherwise- lead one to think otherwise. Most of the time? I think when people tell you to do something completely different than you've been going at it? It's done with the best intentions; but the net result for me lately has been wondering "What's wrong with me? Why didn't I see it that way?"

The answer? Is nothing. I'm just ME... not them.

I got to thinking about this after I blogged & subsequently deleted a post talking about how I wasn't ready to date. I had asked a friend to make sure it wasn't too 'poor me' because that wasn't how I was trying to come off; and her response was to delete it because [he] shouldn't get the satisfaction of seeing I was hurt. So, I did.

That was dumb.

As a quick aside? I don't see him getting satisfaction from that, for starters. But mainly? I -AM- hurt; I am a little broken-hearted because it's just sad when it doesn't work out with someone you loved. And it's OK. It's also okay to not be able to instantaneously be over something that ended up being an significant part of your life... and is then just gone. Even if you understand the whys & wherefors; even if it is a long time coming; even if you realize that it was the right thing to do. Why pretend to be all cool if you're not yet? Now, there's a balance, of course! If you were running around clothed in sack-cloth and ashes? That'd be a problem. If I were pathetically not functioning? Also a problem. But that's not the case. (1) I'm getting out, seeing friends, doing things, working out, cooking & writing... the normal stuff. I'm just not dating - by choice - but it really hasn't been that long? I don't think that makes me a spinster-sister just yet. ;) I also think it's respectful to the relationship I just got out of & the men I'll date in the future to take time before I just jump back in there while still one of the walking wounded. Plus, I've never been broken up with before; this is a first for me and I gotta say? I kinda prefer the other side, LOL. I am bruised; but saying so doesn't make me broken.

Anyway, it got me thinking: how many things have I done, or stopped doing, or never did to begin with at someone/something else's dictation? The answer is? A little more than I'm comfortable with lately. But, I'm not alone. As a society, we tend to stave off making all kinds of decisions until we've been given direction on which way to go. In fashion, we let the 'fashion elite' (2) tell us what colors are 'in' & what to wear- and that's ok, unless you ditch your wardrobe to comply (3) when you don't even like the colors. In relationships, we let "experts" who've written best-sellers tell us how to behave in order for our relationship to be a success. While I DO like "He's Just Not That Into You" enough that I had copies for friends (4) -that's really more common-sense stuff. But there's fewer of those and more "Why Men Marry B*tches.. & why you should be one, too" that are really just total crap. But many of us do it - because... well, why do we?

Is it because it's easier than thinking for ourselves or are we just so clueless as to what to do when things don't go as expected that we're willing to do ANYTHING - even if it's the wrong thing - in an effort to improve whatever we feel is lacking in life? Is it lack of confidence? Is it that we feel more comfortable doing something if we have the reassurance of others that we're vindicated or justified in our actions through their assent? I've been doing a lot of thinking on this for myself lately. For me, the 'not thinking' option? Definitely not it. I'm an over-analyzer by nature. So, sometimes I seek the counsel of others to make sure I haven't twisted my thought processes into a pretzel that no longer makes sense. I'm not alone in this - a LOT of people (5) hash their life issues out with people they trust. And that's cool, as long as the fact that you're seeking OPINIONS isn't lost. Ultimately, you still have to make a decision that works for you. Or in my case, ME.

I really was pretty good at this for most of my life. And still am, when I allow myself to be. It may not always look like what everyone else thinks it should & I will probably embarrass myself as often as I will not.. but it'll be authentic. Which is why I think most of the people that like me, do... I'm real. Goofy as all get-out & a total klutz... but I'm real. And I'm okay with that. :) When I was doing things the way I was told was 'the way to be' and trying to force myself to act a certain way because "that's how it's done?" (6) It didn't work for me. When I stepped back and rectified that? Not only did it feel better; but I got some valuable insight that showed me that was maybe SOOOO not the direction I wanted to go, anyway! Score!

And PS? I love this song. It's not exactly related; but not totally unrelated, either. Mainly Beyonce just has a fantastic voice & it was on Glee so I had to look it up. 'Nuff Said. :) (7)

(1) Ok, so yes, I had my moments of hurt, wounded pride & feelings of failure the first couple of days; but no sack-cloth & ashes. :p
(2) And who are they, anyway?
(3) I sooo wish I had this picture of a HIDEOUS looking dress I bought because "yellow" was in. Not on me it's not. Just makes me look like I have diphtheria or something.
(4) Yes, I do see the irony MB; & is this one time I can lovingly say, "Shut it!"? :p
(5) read: most
(6) My guy friends (& some girl friends) said I just needed to "Get back on the horse" & go out with someone. After much protestation & having friends mention they saw he's dating (even though I know he's not doing anything WRONG? Still sucks to hear - you'd like to think people would pine over you forever because you're so darn awesome.. :p)? This one guy that asked? Got a 'sure, why not'... but, I KNOW why not. So, fixed that today to get the reply of something along the lines of "... the best way to get over one girl is to get under another one. IDK. Never been one for serial monogamy so take a couple of weeks & then reach out to me. I'm sure I'll be around." My thought? Yeah, if that's the case I'm sure you probably will but if you mean what I think you mean? Then no, I probably won't. ;) Seriously, chivalry.. don't talk about sex with people you haven't met yet, guys!
(7) No, I don't watch Glee normally; Lindsey had it on before the game.

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