The Roller Coaster Series: Intro

Yesterday I went back to our local amusement park, Six Flags, with my two girls.  Growing up, I loved roller coasters; I remember riding the ShockWave with one of my favorite Aunts over and over again. (1)  It’s a double-loop roller coaster and it was the coolest thing since sliced-bread growing up.  Amazing speeds, quick adrenaline rush, careless fun – pure enjoyment. Couldn’t get enough of it… I didn’t even mind the lines.

Time does what it’s supposed to… it marched on.  I grew up, had children, entered the ‘working world of the responsible’ and became  aware of things like value of time, risk & the comfort of control.  I vowed to stay off motorcycles and would unnecessarily worry about the relative safety of roller coasters. After all, did you hear that story about the kid on the roller coaster who dropped the quarter… I could still have fun at the park; but it was measured, deliberate.. it wasn’t the same....

Continue reading HERE - The rest is on my website at TheOneCrystal.com

Reason #1692 We Now Know #Imadork

Not that I was actually ever under the delusion that I’m not; but if I were, I’ve now got further proof that I am!  Since it’s funny and ties into my work-life balance theme this week?  I thought I’d share it with you.

In my effort to rule the world, (1) or at least balance what I’ve got going on in it?  I try to keep pretty tight organization on my relationships.  A lot of this I do with spreadsheets and yes, I know that causes a huge uptick in my #imadork status.  I’ve got spreadsheets to keep up with all my friends, FB Friends, Network – simple stuff like:

• Name, rank, serial #-type information
• contact info
• birthday
• family status
• their birthdays, if I know them
• Employer
• Profession
• Interests

I use that information to keep up w/my Community.  Whatever – it works… most of the time. 

You can read the rest here on my new(ish) Wordpress blog @ TheOneCrystal.com

Piglet, Pooh, & Relationships: Things I wish I Knew Earlier #TR30Days

Love my new website; HATE the stats tracker on Wordpress.  Seriously, hate it.  Miss being able to see the info by operating system, countries visited, etc.  So, I'm still going to write everything over there; but maybe I'll put a teaser & redirect traffic from here to there. :p  Gonna give it a shot, anyway; according to my stats here, folks are still reading (and some RANDOM old stuff, too! :p ):

Piglet, Pooh & Relationships:  Things I Wish I'd Figured Out Earlier w/ Poison & Wine 

Tonight on Twitter, they had a discussion – a chat – on one of the Twitter channels, #GenYChat.  I went, expecting it to be on business; but, it was actually on marriage/significant romantic relationships.  So not my area of expertise; as the closest thing I have to a romantic relationship is my love affair with coffee.  And since it’s a one-sided love (1) as I’m pretty sure the coffee doesn’t miss me the way I miss it when I don’t have it?? Not sure that really counts.    But, despite my experiential disadvantage in the subject matter; I tried to stick it out.  Made it about halfway through & then they started talking about cheating, and “must-haves/must-not haves” criteria lists for partners, are we naturally monogomous … very subjective and personal questions.  Stuff I’m not going to be learning from; but rather turning purple sharing my opinions/history on those subjects with strangers on twitter.   Which, when I think about it is kind of funny; as I share a lot of my life on here & goodness knows who ends up reading it! (see the rest on Wordpress by clicking the title above.. :)  )

Trouble

Love this song.  Have for years.. I think there's a blog in here around January of 2009 of me messing around singing it (sorta) while I was a 'one-eyed purple people eater..."  (1)  Anyway, cool song, Love ColdPlay so, so much.  Was listening to it today on the way home because, well... I felt troubled and so it just seemed to fit.  This might not be the most smooth blog post I've ever done; but it's what's on my mind. 

Recently, I read The Help as my "Fun" book.  You know, the one you don't really need to engage your brain in to enjoy?  That you're not reading to better yourself in business or personally; it's just to relax. Well, that was my intent w/ this book; but it ended up having an unintended, yet profound, effect on the way I view a few things.. not the least of which is my perspective on the perspective of others. (2)  

It's a great book; and I'd highly recommend it as it relays life, Pre-Civil Rights movement, in Jackson, Mississipi from the perspective of "The Help."  One of the characters in the book ends up writing a book on it and it turns the town on it's ear.  Those written about were humiliated; some probably rightfully so... but I'd doubt that they'd agree with that sentiment.


Not gonna lie, it got to me a little bit.  See, a lot of what I write relates to MY LIFE.  I'm okay with that; and I'm constantly reading things that say "Write like you talk & write what you know."  (3)  What am I going to know better than that?? The trick is this:  I don't live in a bubble.  So, what I write about is interaction w/ others on topics that are likely going to be of interest to people.  The reality is that we spend the majority of our time working or dealing with relationships of various shapes & sizes.   I read on "summify" something that sums up the content choices I make nicely:  "Don't try to sell broccoli ice-cream; even if that's your favorite... "  As much as I'd love to think the world shares my shoe obsession or wants to hear never-ending stories about my obsession with the perfect souffle?  I know they don't.  And that's okay - I don't want to write about those things any more than you likely want to read them.

But... in writing about my life and including those that interact with me in it? Can come with a price. I've had some make comments about how they "Don't want to end up in my blog" - and I don't blame them. Typically, I tell people that if they don't do anything massively idiotic; they probably won't... unless I'm talking about past relationships.. and they don't really get a say, since they're not named. But, I hadn't really put much thought into how it makes them feel reading it. The truth is, like the song says... I never [meant] to cause trouble... and I don't want to potentially hurt someone for the sake of a laugh, page view, or follower. I'm completely comfortable with the posts where relationships/work/culture are fused together... but, the dating posts? As much as I love writing them (and they are fun to write); I'm finding that more difficult to do now that I'm trying to look at it from the way the subject would feel reading it. 

At first, I thought I'd just remove the 'personal experiences' out of the blog all together unless it was related to the workplace or parenting. But, in talking with a friend tonight; he helped me see why that wouldn't work.. and why sometimes, people are uncomfortable because they don't like seeing others perspectives of them (4).. but, it doesn't mean it shouldn't be said. He's right. Growth doesn't come out of comfortable or safe... neither for them, nor for myself.

What does this mean?? I'm not exactly sure yet. It probably means until I figure it out; there's not going to be a lot of dating posts... or least not ones about my dates. Might start doing some perspectives on third-person experiences; I really am not sure yet. Whatever I write, it'll still have my 'voice;' that much you can count on.  But, you know as soon as I figure it all out? You'll be the first to know. :)

(1) And Here.It.Is!  It was reason #432 why I'm never going to be in broadcasting & reasons #1-1000 why adult beverages, singing & a webcam don't mix AT ALL.  Thank goodness I'm so much older & wiser now.. :p The post right below it explains WHY I had the scary eye going.... WARNING:  IT's painful. And off-key!
(2) there's a mouthful.
(3) Yet another example & a good "How-To" for those wanting to start a blog:  http://www.copyblogger.com/writing-voice/
(4) "others" in this case would be MY perspective

Happy Birthday to Me; I'm Now 33... #TR30Days

Well, I did it:  I made it to my 33rd birthday.  Over the last week or so, I looked back at each of the blogs I have done over the last few years around my birthday just to see where I was then vs where I am now.  You'd hope there'd be progress, positive change as we grow, right??  Anyway, whether there was or not is likely subjective; but thought I'd share for anyone seriously bored or oddly interested :)

2005:  Just Over 27
2006:  Around 28 Years Old
2007:  29 On the 29th (1)
2008:  The Big 3-0 that wasn't so big
2009:  I skipped my 31 to focus on my Thing #1 (Linds); her birthday is 4 days before mine. You'll see why it's enough.  I was also dealing w/ the accident & subsequent surgical stuff. Too much going on.
2010:  32 - "Had Enough with the 'Have You Found Him Already' Question!"

Now that we know where I've been; where am I now???

Status:  Single
Dating:  Yeah, kinda (2); approaching it from an 'it's entertainment' perspective until I'm presented with an overwhelming reason to look at it any other way.
Occupation:  Staffing/Talent Marketing - Focused on Business Development, HR/RPO & Talent Marketing - LOVE what I do!
Hobbies:  Treadmill Time, Tennis, Social, Blogging/Writing, Time w/Friends, & Shoe Acquisition, Music (Piano & Singing)
Improvement:  #TR30Days, Working Towards a Half-Marathon in Sept, Working on SPHR Certification
Causes:  LoveDrop, Shoes for Orphan Souls, Attitudes & Attire
Favorite Quote:  "Be the Change You Wish to See in the World." ~ Gandhi

I found this quote today & think this really does sum up where I'm at right now with Life:

”I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.”

Biggest Change:  I'm still happy.  For the majority of the last year I was in a relationship, as most of you know.  And I was happy in it, to degrees... but the way we went about it?  It wasn't healthy for me; and I'd suppose not for him.  If you're having to sacrifice who you are, the very things that make you YOU in order to make your partner happy?  Then, unless the stuff that makes you 'You' is illegal or immoral?  Likely, it's not the right relationship.  As great of a guy as he is, (2) I couldn't BE the girl that lives that quote in our relationship.  Or, I wasn't that girl, anyway.  Our relationship wasn't equitable & that wasn't fair. As easy as it would be, I don't blame that on him; I blame that one? On me.   Ultimately, we broke up & yeah, it broke my heart because at the time, I wasn't ready to see what he already had.   I guess that's one thing I owe him thanks for, really. When I got there and did something about it?  It surprised me how quickly I was able to get back to the lady that I was and back on the path to the person I want to be.  Does that make sense?   I don't really know who I want to be with and it's honestly not a big focus for me right now.  I DO know WHO I want to be for myself, my daughters and the world-at-large, though & right now? I see that as more important... and I know that a guy can fit into that quite nicely at some point, however that might end up looking like. But I'm not waiting on that to be happy; I'm really having fun with life now... that, my girls, my career, my friends.. my 'profersonal' life? IS my happiness.  Everything else is kind of a bonus.

New Experiences:  iYoga ... kinda badly, but I do it! :)

My Biggest Challenge:  The last year has taught me a lot about relationships on every level.  You can want the best for someone; but a lot of times that means letting them go to achieve that on their own, even if it means failing.  FAILING IS OKAY.  You can do everything for someone else; but it doesn't make it wanted... and it's not the effort that counts there.  You short-change both parties in that process... even if you mean well.  If you compromise yourself - your beliefs, values, whatever, you've compromised every one of your relationships because the authenticity is damaged.  Even 'all-grownup?'  You can still outgrow friendships & that's okay.  Some of the friends I spend time with have changed but that's okay, too.  It's important, I think, to surround yourself with those that not only just like you or care about you; but will help you grow as a person and support your healthy interests - just as you do for them!

Life Outlook: I don't believe in 'karma' in that the world puts out bad things TO you if you do bad things to others and vice-versa.  Really tragic things happen to good people and amazingly good things seem to happen to some of the most soul-draining people out there.  But I do believe that? Doesn't matter and is a waste of focus.  So what do I believe?  Being positive matters.  For a really long, long time people joked that I was Pollyanna because I could find a silver lining in ANYTHING.  I think I lost sight of that over the last year or two when I was feeling a little defeated.  I'm really grateful to my true friends, my family, and those who stuck by me while I found my way back.  Because I have over the last three months & maybe even made a little progress past where I was.  And I'm really focused on keeping that forward momentum.

Lifestyle:  I've TOTALLY changed my lifestyle in the last year and even more in the last few months.  I'm eating healthy again - maybe even more-so than before, I'm really pretty active, and I make a regular point of moving beyond my comfort zone to stretch my perspective, experiences, and try to grow as a person.  Gotta say?  I'm having fun.  I don't have it all figured out and maybe the world isn't on a string for me quite yet; but boy am I enjoying the adventure.  A few years ago, I asked the question if I'd be able to ever really have the guts to 'get in the car' - yes, it did come after a bottle of wine & a Transformers marathon. Now I know:  No way will I be looking back in 50 years wondering if I had the guts to get in the car.  I'm not only IN the car; it's totally in Drive... and I'm pretty sure the best is yet to come. (4)

Looking forward to seeing what this next year has in store for me... Bring.It.On! :) 

(1) This One?  Totally falls under the #imadork hashtag. I was STUPIDLY excited about that and wore it out. Almost as stoked as I was about being 33 because it was a repetitive number.  So much for progress, LOL...
(2) Half-Heartedly; as it suits and is fun for me!
(3) And he really is, in a lot of ways.  We all  have our flaws, but it doesn't dismiss our strengths.  When you think about it, our weaknesses are just our strengths uncontrolled.  Just sayin'....
(4) Transformers Reference because I'm totally ok with my #imadork status :)

Getting Ready for Round Two! #TR30Days

ROUND TWO BEGINS 7/29... WANNA JOIN ME & THE #TR30DAYS TRIBE?? 

Watch the Video....

It's about that time to make out my next focus list for Round Two:  My #TR30Days Personal Revolution.  I had a GREAT time with the first 30 days and it really re-centered me; sharpened focus on what I want my life to count for.  I made new friends, bonded with some amazing people, felt like I made a difference in my life & maybe an impact in some others.  For a recap of last time?  Check out my Results Blog... I'm focusing on this next challenge on this post! :)  It starts on my birthday!!!

It's actually kind of funny that I'm talking about the future; because this 30 days is going to be fairly focused on staying in the PRESENT.  I was meditating on this while on the treadmill today & it's basically going to be my mantra as I head into this next 30 days:

"I am older than I was yesterday, 

Younger than I will be tomorrow &

 Ready to make a difference today.  

Make THIS day count."

Not sure that's like massively awesome words of wisdom or anything; and it's probably some culmination of stuff that I read who knows when... but it's making sense as something I need to focus on right now.  In April, I was all about "what wasn't."  May, I was really focused on "what had been."  June & July was really about "where I was headed/where I want to be" & now?  I need to focus on where I am NOW.  My mentor used to tell me my greatest 'challenge' profersonally (1) was mastering this:  "Wherever you are, be there."  Pretty sure he got it from Zig Ziglar or Jim Rohn but either way? He nailed it.  Then, it was trying to make sure that when I was at work, my home life with the kiddos was under control (2) & vice-versa.  I've pretty much nailed that down at this point & now it's focusing in on today & not letting the near-limitless possibilities of business & life have me chasing rainbows with no pot of gold at the end to show for it.  Make sense?

So, with a #focus on the NOW, here's my profersonal bucket list:

MIND:

• Cut the cord to the cell phone in the car- specifically, while I'm driving.  While I wasn't on the phone when I got into a minor car accident last week? It really woke me up to the fact that distracted driving probably should have been a factor and it's blind luck that it wasn't.  It was #wakeupcall & I'm taking it.  Whatever's going on?  WILL keep until I put it in park. 
• 
  
• Business Development - I will add 4 new clients from 7/29 to 8/29 :)  I've got a pretty solid business development plan built out and will be executing it.  Tying it to the "NOW" thing? I'm committing to having my daily work put INTO my CRM system at the end of EACH day - I'll admit I can have a tendency to want to neglect the "Administrivia" (3) but it's important, too.  Giving myself the "Three Pass Rule" (4) - I'll commit to giving up my #Wine Wednesday if I hit a 4th infraction where I focus on database development instead.  A 5th infraction will have me giving up a date night - so there will BE no 5th infraction, for sure!!! :)
• 
  
• Read One Book a Week & One Parenting & Fun Book Over the Challenge - Three a week is way too much for me to realistically keep up with this time, but 1 book a week?  Is a 2 hour time commitment - I can hang with that AND commit to a blog on it to boot!  Also want to read a "just for fun" and a specific parenting book relating to 'girl cliques' before the school year starts back up!
• Blogging - Can I do three a week?  I think I can. :) I'm also going to make a decision on splitting my blog into 2 by the end of this 30-day or keeping it whole, as is.  

BODY:

• THREE - Three days a week I WILL - do yoga, do strength training, and do swimming.
• TWO - Two days a week I WILL - play tennis & do spin - or spinnish thing Jen taught me (so gonna kill me).
• ONE - EVERY day I will do my 10k - even if it has to be broken into 2 5ks.
• I will drink 2 liters of water a day.

SPIRIT:

• Daily Gratitude WITH my Girls - I really enjoyed this last time & it had such a huge impact on my overall outlook in life.  I want to include the girls into this 30 Days so they can enjoy the benefits of a grateful heart/outlook as well; AND so I can gain further parental insights into a different aspect of their personality. )
• Bible Study w/ the Girls on Healthy Relationships & Sex:  Because if you wait to talk about it until you "HAVE TO?"  You've waited way too long.  We've chatted about it; but want to start doing a pulse check before we go back to school.  Want to do the study that Shannon Rowell recommended & really hit on what healthy "dating" in Middle School/High School looks like. 
• Charity Work -   REALLY am keen on @lovedrop and want to be more of a part of bringing awareness to that cause during this #TR30Days challenge.  Also will be participating at the Service/Volunteer weekend at Church as being more involved w/ The Branch has been on my 'to-do' list since May of LAST year.  *Oops!*  Was really appreciative of the volunteer weekend & chance to change the 'to-do' to an 'am-doing.' :)

Wish me luck... and if you're participating, too?  Let me and/or the #TR30Days Tribe know on FB/Twitter so we can cheer you on, too!!!

(1) though he didn't use that term; again, great concept - if you aren't familiar check out Jason Seiden's blog - the link is on my blog list to the left

(2) I was a young divorced parent at the time with primary parenting responsibility of two young girls
(3) In that I can push it off in pursuit of "more important" activities & then it piles up.
(4) I developed this a few years back with my team, embracing the "nobody's perfect" concept.  So, instead of A free pass? We get THREE.  Fourth slip requires the accountability of doing something - positive - in addition to catching up what you didn't do to 'make up' for it.

Someone Like You - Reminiscing On Our Quest for Camelot

This is one video that's absolutely worth listening to her talking about the song BEFORE you read further.  It's funny she mentioned this song reflected her being 'on her knees;' I was thinking this morning when I decided I wanted to write a blog using this song about the first time I heard this song.  It did genuinely bring me to my knees... emotionally speaking.  And then I went to YouTube & found this video where she's saying just that... I guess it's just so touching because it's easy to identify with 'profersonally' speaking - work, play, love.. it's all equally applicable.  Hurt. Fear. Restrained Reminiscing. Bittersweet Well-wishes ... we've all lived it. Correction... We All Live It.

When I first heard this song, all I heard was the loss. And that's what I looked back on - the things I'd built up & let go of; the unbelievable amount of effort I had put into a couple of roles in my career to just have felt completely unappreciated.  The guy where I knew I gave everything I had to have ultimately lost the relationship, anyway.  At first, the song was somewhat painful to truly 'hear.'  In all honesty, the girl that never cries in movies?  Cried listening to this song.

 Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead...  

Life is, quite simply, the sum of  how we connect. With people, places, things... Our 'connectedness' with others.. those relationships we form... they define us and they change us.  That change is a big part of our growth process.  I've written about that for years; so, this isn't exactly a newsflash.  But lately it seems that I've been doing a lot of 'looking back' with people in my life: former coworkers on old Employers we have moved on from, friends & acquaintances asking about my "now-not-really-new breakup" & how I'm faring, (1) and explaining the whys with mutual connections behind some friendly relationships I've let go of recently. (2)

Regrets & mistakes they're memories made... 

who would have known how bittersweet this tastes...

You know how the time flies; only yesterday was the time of our lives..  

I met with my mentor for lunch this week.  It was so good to see him & I'm always grateful for the discussions we're able to have.  We touched briefly on the Company we had worked together at & discussed the evolution it's had over time.  When I joined, the Company was truly like a 'Camelot' company to me.  (3)  And don't get me wrong, it's not a poor Company now; but it's definitely changed with time.  But things have to change; for there to be 'Camelots' or 'Glory Days' there have to be time-spans, relationships, companies that ...well... just aren't.  How do you appreciate greatness if you've never experienced anything but?  How do you evolve & grow individually if you don't take the working principles that achieved that greatness and apply it elsewhere? (4)

We were born and raised in a summer haze; 

bound by the surprise of our Glory Days....

The fear with striking out & leaving is, of course, that we will never find anyone that fits with us the way we thought 'they' fit with us when things were wonderful.  Or worse yet, that they WILL find someone; perhaps even a better version for them, to fill our now vacant shoes.  We look at the 'glory days,' at our former 'Camelots' and wonder - even pray - that we'll be connected in that way somewhere else, with someone or something else, some day.  Hopefully sooner rather than later.  Because let's face it: from the standpoint of desire, that's kind of what it's all about it, isn't it?  To feel wanted, value, connected, loving where you're at, who you're surrounded by, and what you're doing.

When we don't immediately find it, quite often we'll go back to what we had while the option is still there to take.  This is common enough that it even has it's own buzz-word for the occurrence:  "boomerang" - works with romantic relationships & employment status. I'm not going to say it's never the right thing to do; because there are times when it is. (5)  But, honestly? It's precious & rare - the growth that we experience that prompts us to leave often makes that repeat performance an abysmal experience. We 'boomerang' when what we should be saying is Nevermind, I'll find someone like you... but a version of you - of the positive attributes in our professional or personal relationship - that's better suited to the 'me' I am now.   Remember, while we fear change - because we're afraid to fail - it's that very change/failures that move us forward & help us grow.  So, reminisce if you want; but keep moving forward to the Camelots of your futures...not the ones in your past.

Nevermind, I'll Find Someone Like You 

Nothing Compares No Worries or Cares

Regrets & Mistakes They're Memories Made

I Wish Nothing But the Best For You....

(and the line she forgot)

And Will Accept Nothing But the Best For Me, Too...

~~~

(1) Before you have a chance to wonder? I'm fine.  It was a breakup; not the advent of the apocalypse. But, as a side note? It always strikes me as interesting when people ask if it hurts losing someone you love. Um, yes. It does - Of COURSE it does...whether you wanted it or not..  broke my heart; but that's life.  You have to deal with the negative outcome to find the positives & everyone can. We roll with it and move on to find new interests, new relationships, new loves.  That's how it works.

(2)The "Unfriending" Pts1 & 2 ended up being the catalyst for some relationship inventory work - while I haven't cut out a bunch of people, I have stepped back from some friendships that just don't fit with what I want my life to be/reflect & moved them more to 'friendly acquaintances.'  This fits in with the "5-Minute People" that this book I read a long time ago discussed... think it was called Rainmaking.

(3) So much so that I wrote about it twice.  Here's the first time:  "Camelot & Camelot Companies"

(4)Speaking more about work here, this isn't a reason to ditch your relationship to go "better" someone else, lol

(5) And when it IS one of those times? Grab it; life's really much too short to throw away happiness with both hands!

Bye Bye Love...

So a lot of times when I'm blogging, I'll try to find a way to tie dating & relationships with our 'working lives'/the workplace.. because, there really are a lot of similarities, when you think about it.  And I'm sure if I sat here and thought long enough, hard enough... I'd probably find a way to do it with this one, too.  But, I'm not going to...not planning to, anyway.  We'll see what comes out!

Two weeks after my ex-boyfriend & I broke up, one of my oldest 'adult' friends announced she & her husband had broken up, as well.  I was there the day she got engaged, was a part of her wedding, was there for the birth of her first child and genuinely thought she and her hubby would be together forever.  After 4 years, their marriage?  Was over.

Okay, so that's not the first divorce I've ever encountered.  I'm divorced, for Pete's sake... but this one hit me differently.  Maybe it's because I was there for the milestones; or because during some of my REALLY ridiculous dating experiences.. I could look at the two of them and see a glimpse of what 'happily ever after' should look like.  And not going to lie, it made me happy seeing them happy.  That's gone now.  They're divorced & just two months later, I'm now seeing pictures of her that include another guy; and his FB has him in a relationship with another woman.  Neither of them are doing anything wrong; the ink is dry & final... but... it just feels wrong, in terms of love.  How quick is TOO quick when it comes to saying, "Bye Bye" and moving on??

Professionally, we're trained not to leave a job until we have a new one or risk damaging our careers... but, personally,of course that's a big 'no-no.'  I'm not going to hit on affairs & cheating - that's not the point of this blog post.  So, you 'do it right' (3) and end the relationship.  But, it's not like we immediately bounce back like a rubber-band into our 'pre-relationship' form.  No - we often have hurts & baggage to deal with... and even if you could convince me that it was the world's most amicable parting?  No baggage, no blame, all sunshine, roses & lollipops?  YOU have still changed - I mean, life shifts throughout the course of a relationship:  often who you socialize with, how you spend your time, preferences, etc... you're just not the same 'you' that you were before because as we grow, we change.  So, it stands to reason that it might make sense to take some time before you get back out there.

But how much time?  And to do what?  Having gone through a breakup last quarter, I obviously have recently looked to the 'experts' for advice on this very subject.  The one thing they all said in common? "Yes, take time."  Generally speaking, it's considered a good rule of thumb that relationships lasting more than six months will require some amount of "recovery" time because of the impression they leave on our lives.  The men I read offering advice were of two extremes:  about half said, "Get back out there in 30 days."  The other half said you take HALF as long as the relationship lasted.  (4)  That felt too long to me.  The women I asked? Talked in terms of YEARS to get to 'know myself' - holy cow; I turned single again, I didn't completely transform into a totally new person.  Small shifts? Yes.  a "Whole New Me?" No.   In the end, I decided that the amount of time that was appropriate was however long it was to successfully work through the following activities - because pretty much EVERYONE said this is what you do post breakup:

• What can I do now that I couldn't do before?  (AND DO IT)
• What are the things I no longer have to do?  (IF THEY DON'T IMPROVE YOUR LIFE? DITCH THEM)
• What do I have that I didn't have before? (FOCUS ON APPRECIATING THE POSITIVES - I think it's unhealthy to believe there's NOTHING good that comes from relationships we engage in - that's rarely ever really the case)
• What can I finally let go of?   (AND THAT MEANS REALLY LET GO - *This one's the real time-suck, I think)
• How can I be different now, in a positive way?  (SPEND GOOD TIME ON THIS; IT CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE)

For some people, that probably won't take more than a couple of weeks; and I think a lot of it depends on the personality you have & who you were in the relationship.  Personally, I tend to be the 'acts of service' and 'pleaser' in the relationship - meaning I can flex a lot of my world in an effort to create harmony & I like doing things that maybe I wouldn't even personally otherwise to show I care/make my partner happy.  So, in longer relationships, that may make working through that list take a little longer than the guy or gal that has more of the "take me as I am," "you fit into my life because what you see is what you're gonna get" person.  Neither are bad; they're just different & will require different amounts of time to properly move on.

There's one last litmus stick, I think.  This really cool article in the Times is what made me think of it.  Getting back out there?  It's a lot like Getting Naked... there's a vulnerability to it that makes us nervous.  Like stepping out at the public pool in  your bathing suit; or yes, going to bed for the first time with your new partner.  Reading the title of that article really snapped things into perspective for me - when I was comfortable 'stripping down' to the level of vulnerability required to 'get into the pool?'  I was ready to date - this time? It took just shy of two months.  But, there was a time it took a year.  Maybe my friend & her ex-husband were able to do the same during the process of their divorce - I don't know.  Everybody, every relationship is different.  And, as Judith Sills says in her article on "Getting Naked" - getting back out there?  ISN'T a requirement - some people? Are happy saying "Bye, Bye" to Romantic Relationships Permanently.  And I think that's okay, too...as long as it's true to who you are. But that?  Is another story for another day... ;)

1. This isn't a political thing, just really sat well with me. 
2. I'm thinking she means if you expect it'll be easy, then it's a recipe for disaster. 
3. Which sounds so wrong
4. In my case, I remember thinking, "Nearly six months?! Are you kidding me?"

GDE S.O.S., Please Rescue Me

 (1)

Can I just say I SERIOUSLY love this song?  It's on my daily dance mix (2) and I totally dig it - it's a lot of fun to dance to.  Anyway, as I was twirling around to this today, I started thinking about some of the S.O.S. moments I've had recently as I really start to get back into this dating thing.   I know I'm fairly low-maintenance when it comes to dating/going out on dates, so... it's probably a pretty safe bet that if this stuff bugs me?  It's stuff you should take note of, gentlemen...

1.  Be Polite to the Waitstaff

    This?  Should be something your Mother taught you when you were knee-high to a grasshopper, Men.  People pay attention to this.  I know I do... I always make a point of calling people that are serving me by their name, because.. well, they have one.  It's not "ma'am," "lady," "BOY," or "KID."  The really sad thing is that many of them have name-tags; and they ALL tell you their name in the beginning.  So, there's really no excuse; it's just being polite.  And if you can't be polite to the person serving you?  I'm just not interested; after all, isn't the first few dates where you're supposed to be on your best behavior, trying to impress??  That's decidedly NOT impressive - which means the downhill slope just isn't something I'm likely to want to stick around to see.   

2. Leave the Pillow Talk?  In the Bedroom

    Fortunately, I've not had to deal with this too much; but I've had my fair share and some of the stories my girl friends have told me?  Seriously make me roll my eyes.  Being too intimate with someone you don't know?  Isn't really intimacy at all - it's actually kind of degrading as it shows a basal lack of respect.  Before you know me?  I'm not your 'babe,' (3), it's a little creepy when you constantly address me as gorgeous & honestly?  It just makes me wonder if you actually remember what my name IS.  Also, the first date?  Is not when you bust out your sexual preferences & DEFINITELY not when you tell a lady about the bedroom mishaps in your last relationship.  No, no, NO.  

This one? Will have me actually cut our date short, for real.  Outside of your kids, elderly parents, or a Dr. on call?  Put.It.Away.Please.

3.  No Business on Our Date

     For years, I've had this rule that's served me well - I don't date my co-workers.  Part of that is to skip the awkwardness that comes when you break up (and let's face it, most of the people we date/have a relationship with we will end up breaking up with); but the other part?  Is I don't want to have to talk shop on my 'off-hours.'  So, let me tell you how THRILLED I am when a guy asks me on a  first date (4) if I can look over their resume, or shop them out to a firm, or whatever. Of course, I'm happy to help if I can - but you gotta understand that it just shifted the dynamics of how I see you.  I'm now putting on the 'recruiter's glasses' and those?  Judge much more critically... I think.  And it's awkward.  My hairdresser was talking about this last time I was there - she gets that from guys a lot, too.  I think maybe some guys think this is how you connect... but, asking for professional favors in a 'play-time' environment?  Not so fabulous... (5)

4.  And a Few Other Things to Generally Avoid:

     A.  Discussions about any medication you're taking 

     B.  Your Therapist and what said therapist is telling you to do

     C.  Your ex-wife, ex-girlfriend, ex-whatever 

     D.  Please don't order for for your date unless asked... may seem chivalrous, but it's not.  It's pretentious - and what if she has food allergies???

     E.  Protracted conversations about your pets, boss, and even your kids on a first date.  Look, I WANT to know if you're happy in your job, that you're emotionally capable to connecting to others - even small, fuzzy animals.. and of COURSE I care if you're a decent parent.  But, that first date or two?  I need to know a little more about what makes you YOU - your interests, beliefs, hobbies, etc.  So, ALL of these subjects are good; but keep the doses small so that we can cover all those topics.  If you launch into a diatribe? Make it a positive one - because the negative "my [fill-in-the-subject-here] sucks because..." talk?  Will have me sending up S.O.S. flares faster than anything.

For more 'sound advice' on things that will likely want your date 'rescued?'  Check out "Dating @ Suite 101" and for food to avoid?  E-Harmony has the answers here... 

(1) Darn you youtube for restricting this video to only being played on your site. :p  AOL music may have  now replaced you, ha! Here's hoping there's NOT an annoying 20 second commercial in front of it, though....
(2) part of my #TR30Days challenge for myself this 30 days was to dance for an hour a day.  Epic Win.  Love it.
(3) Which, I get this probably sounds kind of b*tchy, but I've always hated that 'pet name' as every single time I hear it?  I think of the little pig from the movie; NOT exactly what you want to be synonymous with.  lol
(4) Think first few here, boys...

(5) Exception to this:  I've dated a few guys from my industry and just general 'shop-talk' in small doses?  Totally cool - it's fun to talk about industry trends, funny stories, and new technologies.  Not what I'm talking about here.

GDE. Week Two: Dog Days

I really love my Saturday mornings; I've got this routine down where I go to Communications Park in Plano & walk for HOURS. Literally, hours - 4, to be exact.  I like to marathon walk - well, it's not ACTUALLY a marathon; but it is 10-20 miles that I'll walk on my Saturdays.  I stop when I feel like I'm going to pass out & then I typically go home, shower, nap & when I wake up?  It's Saturday night & time to go play. (1)  So, for me to give up my Saturday routine for a date?  Was selfishly a little hard for me.  I actually frowned as I passed the exit for my Park... who suggested Saturday morning?? He did.  Oh.. but I WAS the one who suggested 8am.  Dork.  Oh well, I'm committed now.

Stephen was easy to spot; but not because he looked just like his photos.  Oh, to be sure, he did - and he was charming; though, a little more salt/pepper than I had expected.  I don't care, though; had crushed on Sean Connery since I was like 6. (2)  Nope, Stephen was easy to spot because he brought his dog.  Nice.  We're now officially reenacting "Must Love Dogs" ... do I need to go rent one to fit in?? For anyone that hasn't seen a Weimaraner before?  They're BIG.  

After we said our hellos, Stephen said, "Got your coffee drink in the car - Chuck was a little excited and wanted to walk around.. want to go get it?"  When I excitedly agreed that yes, we should go grab our drinks? (3)  He tossed me his keys and said, "Black Range Rover, three slots from the back. Could you grab mine, too??"  Ummm..... ok.  I guess he DOES have the dog to contend with... but still, there's no way I'm giving a stranger the keys to my car.  His?  Was probably not much different than you'd expect from a surgeon; holy cow... there wasn't a spec of dust, dirt, stray paper, anything.  He's officially NEVER seeing my car; aside from having 2 kids?  It's kind of my mobile office.  So, not gonna lie - it's pretty much regularly an example of controlled chaos.

When I come back from getting the drinks, he's engrossed in conversation with a couple who is seriously obsessed with Chuck.  I politely listen as he goes on about how cool of a breed it is, etc.. I figure I'm getting to learn a little more about something that's clearly important in his life, right??  Besides, this allowed me to sip my drink in peace; which is a big part of my Saturday routine... Even still? No way was I prepared for Chuck being the entire focal point of our day's conversation.

TWO HOURS.  This is how long you can talk about a dog.  Exclusively.  Holy Cow.  We walked along the lake and I learned all about Chuck's history, his likes/dislikes (4), the games Stephen played with him, the way Chuck needs to be cared for, and the problems Chuck caused in his marriage.  Not gonna lie, I zoned out on a fair amount of the dog talk but totally refocused when he said the dog had been a major factor in deciding to divorce.  SAY WHAT?!  Evidently, Chuck? Spent every night of his 'married life' in bed with he and his ex-wife... who was not a dog-lover.  Greatness.

I had 2 options; cut this thing short or see it for the fertile playground for me to play amateur psychologist that it was.  So obviously, I went with the latter! :p  I mean, if I were truly trying to date this guy? I'd have cut it short and run... but, I'm experimenting here and learning about new personalities, etc.  So.. let's learn.  I spent the next 20 minutes asking him questions about how he responded to his then wife & why he felt like the dog's comfort superseded that of the woman he'd pledged to put above all others, etc..  I wasn't accusatory; I was curious - and I guess he got that, because he answered without irritation.  Actually, I think he was amused.  He felt like she wasn't ever as into him as she was the lifestyle he could provide.. but Chuck? Chuck loved him unconditionally for HIM.  Hmmm... okay.  That doesn't scream bats in the belfry at all, does it??  I get everyone just wants to be loved; but WOW.  And with that?  I suddenly felt as though I was the intruder on our date; rather than Chuck intruding on us.  Figured that was a sign & decided it was time for me to go...

Next week?  I'll remember to ask about pets.

(1) Thank G-d for my housekeeper because if I had to clean house on Saturday?  No way I'd pull that off.
(2) Who didn't?  Also crushed hard on Tom Selleck until someone (*Michelle*) pointed out he looked like my Dad and darn if that didn't just kill it for me.  My MOTHER did the same thing not too long ago with Robert Downey, Jr. & the comparison to my Dad.  Darnit, Mom - that was just wrong... Love Dad, but it's not right to compare him to my celeb crushes! :p  Oh well, still have The Rock & Cusak & No One will make a comparison to my Dad with either of those.
(3) what? I like my 'coffee drinks' :p
(4) the dog has preferences.  It's a dog; who knew???

Chasing Cars

Love this song. It, actually, was what got me to stop and watch my first episode of Grey's Anatomy... I had left the TV on in my bedroom back in what.. 2007? Went in my room to turn the TV off and this song was on in the background while Izzy's boyfriend was dying (1)... it just gave me chills. Not the show; the song. And I fell in love.

Now, forget the fact that at the time this thing was playing like every 5 minutes and doesn't really have a distinctive sound. Forget that it was covered by every bland lounge band in the world, I think. Forget that it didn't really FIT my musical inclinations at that time.. I. STILL. LOVED. IT. Kind of ironic, really; since the song is about an ill-fitted relationship.

How many times do we do that with our careers, or our dating relationships? We take a job or date someone that is completely wrong for us; but, we're so caught up in the perceived benefits that we ignore the bad fit? We tell ourselves that their self-absorption is just because they're not used to being part of a pair; or that the lack of warm-fuzzies from our boss is just because they haven't had a chance to know us long enough to see how cool we are - not because they just won't give them. Or the 18-hour workdays isn't REALLY the culture; it's just because we're new & they'll totally appreciate how dedicated we are! It's just US and OUR NEW RELATIONSHIP/OUR NEW JOB against the world.

"we'll do it all, everything; on our own... we don't need, anything... or anyone..."

Except, of course, we do. We do have needs and as we ignore them over time in service of trying to have that 'perfect moment that will change everything' (2) and make something work that maybe shouldn't? It changes who we are, I think. And the other party in the dysfunctional relationship? Knows it. Sees it happening. Senses the often subtle shift as your 'spark' fades away, deflated. At work, depending on the culture it'll either be ignored altogether or the employee might be labeled 'the bad egg' rather than just saying, "You know, maybe this isn't the mutual fit we thought it was." In the romantic relationship, the band-aid most often used is "I Love You."

Those three words, are said too much... They're not enough.

Because they're just words. You can tell an employee you appreciate them; but unless you show it through a well-thought out employee engagement program or a culture of meritocratic recognition? There's a good chance those words of "We're glad you are here" or "You're a great employee" are going to eventually ring hollow.

When I'm working with a candidate during the interview process, the 3rd question I prep them to ask about in an interview is actually related to performance & recognition. "You are hired to do a good job." I tell them, "So consider that a baseline of employment and let them know you realize that. But ask them, 'What happens when I really go above and beyond and knock the skin clean off the ball and out of the park?' How do you, as an employer, recognize excellence in your employees?" And I prep every candidate to make sure that they know the answers can be all over the map & there's not a WRONG answer (3) - just have to make sure it syncs with the way we need to receive appreciation/recognition.

Let's Waste Time... Chasing Cars... Around Our Head

30% of women, post-divorce, say they KNEW they were marrying the wrong guy before they even said "I Do." They knew there was an ill-fit; they knew there were problems that weren't addressed, they knew they weren't seeing the changes that their significant other promised they'd make. But they stayed anyway. In our dating relationships, we'll often let the "I love you" serve as an apology or a 'reset' post bad-behavior & that's never going to ultimately be enough. Because even though you can extend what at times are considered to be an absolutely unreal amount of grace to the relationships that matter to us, or to the employer we give our loyalty to? At the end of the day, what's needed? Is change.

I need your grace... To Remind Me... To FIND MY OWN.

Change. We are really responsible for being our own agents for change. When you're in a situation where you realize your relationship is ill-fated or dysfunctional; or you recognize that things aren't clicking the way you'd hoped or need at work... you have 2 options: You can ignore it or you can do something about it. I've worked with many an employer that will talk about the employee that took the initiative to proactively go to their leadership ... not to gripe, but to raise awareness and offer solutions. They partner with their employer to attempt to find a "win-win" situation. When I was running HR, I did this with our company through 'development plans.' When things weren't working, we would draft a mutual expectations plan so it wasn't one-sided on the employee - because relationships? Are not one-sided and don't work that way. Same thing in a romantic relationship... it can't be one-sided. So, have a conversation (4) and work together & be open to reasonable compromises.

I don't know where...

Confused about 'how' as well...

Just know that these things will never change for us at all....

Without that commitment to modifying behaviors or a willingness in both parties to accept responsibility for the things that each are doing that aren't 'fitting' in the relationship - whether it's work, friendship, dating, or marriage - things will never change. And sometimes, we have to accept that no matter how much WE might be willing; the other half of our relationship may not. I dated a guy that -and I'll remember the scene for as long as I live - that told me "I really, really love you; but I like things the way they are... and I mean, I can try to put your needs first some times but I'm just not good at that. I can say I'll make a point of showing you that I love you - but, I probably won't." (5) He said that with the same tone that you'd expect someone to use when they ask if you want to go get a slurpee from 7-11. What he was REALLY saying is, "I love you in my life; but I love me way more." I was never going to get the 'fit' I needed in a relationship regardless of the effort I put in; not because he was a bad guy or what I did wasn't enough... but, because he was never open to compromise or change. There's no win in that, folks - if you find yourself in that same situation where there's no room for a mutual satisfaction of needs? Then it's time to STOP wasting time chasing cars and find a change of scenery.

(1) or something like that - they're all the same basic plot line, anyway - guy and girl are in angst over something set to some rockin' music.

(2) come on, admit it... we've all done it. How many times in your life have you had a friendship, romantic relationship, or job where you felt totally beat down; but thought, "If I could just make "X" happen; the whole game will change??" I'll admit it, I'm totally guilty of that - I hate giving up, so I've been known to stick it out WAY past when I should have shown someone the door just so -I- can feel like -I- did everything I could and didn't give up.

(3) Unless there's NO answer; and my best advice for those candidates? Run. If a company doesn't know how they show appreciation to their employees or recognize superior performance? There's probably a problem there. I'd seriously ask about their attrition rates and how much of it's 'natural attrition' (people leaving on their own vs. being fired).

(4) Women: Word to the wise.. don't use "Feeling" words in this conversation. It's rare a guy is going to respond to "I feel like" - they tend to be less emotional and will likely respond better to "I think" and/or "I see" backed with three or four examples (not a dozen reasons why they suck). And screaming, crying constantly, or throwing a fit? Will not get you what you want. For a dozen years, I had a rule that if I was angry enough to yell? I needed to leave the room & come back when I was calm. Don't see the point of arguing.

(5). I didn't know whether to give him kudos for at least being aware of his default nature or a "peace-out" as I was leaving over the sheer audacity of his speech (which was condensed for the purpose of this blog post; but yes, he did say that!). In the end, I think it was so stunning that I did nothing; it totally freaked me out that someone could KNOW they were being negligent with someone they loved; but, just didn't care. With time & some research, I learned he probably did care but the psychological discomfort that accompanies changing negative patterns was likely more than he was able/comfortable with handling; so he settled into a "this is just who I am" mentality. You see this often in business, too; miserable employees will stay in positions they hate, with teams they can't stand because it's psychologically easier to deal with than the fear & discomfort that goes along with changing roles/jobs... Even if it'd ultimately make their lives better! The devil we know, I guess....

Knock, Knock, Knockin' on Heaven's Door....

I know I'm about to have fun writing when I'm actually writing the blog, in my head, in my sleep. Woke up thinking of the title; which was about 4 hours AFTER I had been woken up by THIS:

I'm sorry; didn't I just recently write that I hate getting this kind of stuff?? Isn't pretty much the whole world making fun of that Weiner guy for more or less the same thing?? Ugh... Less. Than. Amused. First of all, I have no idea why this picture was sent to me; I hadn't even responded to the last 4 texts this guy had sent. Secondly, the guy that sent it? I haven't even met yet! He's just a guy that had the misfortune (1) of popping up right after my last relationship ended. Told him I wasn't ready to date and that while I appreciated his interest & he seemed like a nice guy, he shouldn't wait around on me... it'd be at least a couple of more weeks before I was open to meeting someone new and the back & forth banter just wasn't something I was up to at that time. He told me he'd give me a couple weeks and then I should call him (2) - well, that's cool of him. Told him we could talk; but, as FRIENDS for now. Friendly banter, that's it... He said no problem.

Except, evidently, it was. He kept sending flirty (3) texts; I kept pointedly ignoring the flirts.. and then started ignoring his texts all together. My problem with them, with him, is that it was disrespectful. Instead of having the texts taper off or righting the subject matter; he just started texting more frequently, with later hours. 2am? Unless I'm dating you, you're a good friend, or there's an emergency? Is NOT an appropriate hour to try to strike up a conversation... I'll actually go so far as to say probably not after midnight, period. I'm pretty open with people that I leave my phone on when my kids aren't with me; because I HAVE gotten the 'middle-of-the-night' call from the kids. And I have to be there for that; I'm their Mom. It's part of the gig.

Anyway, as I was falling back to sleep; I couldn't help but making the correlation once again between trying to get a date & trying to get a job. Think about the process for a second...

Applying for a Job

1. You send in an application

2. You hear back from the Company

Trying to Date Someone

1. You ask for a phone #/send a message

2. You get the #/get a return message

Initial Interest Has Been Established - the 'Hard Skills Requirements' have been met

3. You send in a clean copy of your resume

4. You have a phone screen w/ the recruiter

5. You're set up for an interview

3. You exchange initial texts/fb pages

4. You talk on the phone

5. You're set up for a 1st meeting

The Point of The 1st Meeting is to Check for Initial "Soft-Skills" Compatibility

If that goes well?

6a. Second-Round Interviews are set up

6a. You get a 2nd meeting - an actual 'date'

If it doesn't?

6b. 'thank-you, no-thank you' letter or call

6b. 'we're not a fit' convo call/email

Back to the "It Went Well" Track

7. More Interviews, Meet the Team

8. Offer is formulated & extended

9a. Offer is accepted/New Employee

9b. Offer is rejected/ back to looking

7. More dates, calls, & Meet the Friends

8. Exclusively Dating Discussion

9a. Offer accepted/Relationship continues

9b. Offer rejected/ back to looking

Over-eagerness at the wrong stages? Doesn't serve well with either job hunting OR dating. Just like with dating, you want an employer to know you're interested, but not NEEDY. People want to pursue that which they don't believe is needed but wanted. If you 'need' them too soon? Chances are they won't 'want' you. Too much contact; especially if not returned? Is a turn-off for both. There's something to be said for playing it a LITTLE cool at first; intensity comes a little easier with time. After an interview or a date, there's something to be said for that next-day contact... a quick email, text (5), or phone call that says, "I appreciate the time we spent together; I'm interested in what I learned and look forward to moving to the next step in this process" is good. Telling an employer that you have already updated your LinkedIn profile or your 'Relationship Status' to "dating" on FB to the new guy/gal in your life? Probably going a bit too far...

Yes, there's something to be said for the person that is confident enough in who they are and what they can be to BE PATIENT and enjoy the process to make sure their next move? Is the right move for their career or relationship. And for the ones that can't?? They get that 'next' move made for them... that lands them squarely "Back to Looking."

(1) his misfortune is looking like a stroke of good fortune for me, as he's pretty much continually disrespected what I've asked for in the last week or two.

(2) actually, he said more than that; which you can see in blog post "Listen! Bruised, But Not Broken" - I have a habit of using song titles for blog titles - that one is "Listen!" by Beyonce (was on TV when I was writing it) & "Bruised But Not Broken" by Joss Stone

(3) Flirty is actually being kind; inappropriate would have been a better word-choice, perhaps.

(4) Which I'm assuming was the case with this guy

(5) if you're dating; don't text a potential employer, IMO