Reason #1692 We Now Know #Imadork

Not that I was actually ever under the delusion that I’m not; but if I were, I’ve now got further proof that I am!  Since it’s funny and ties into my work-life balance theme this week?  I thought I’d share it with you.

In my effort to rule the world, (1) or at least balance what I’ve got going on in it?  I try to keep pretty tight organization on my relationships.  A lot of this I do with spreadsheets and yes, I know that causes a huge uptick in my #imadork status.  I’ve got spreadsheets to keep up with all my friends, FB Friends, Network – simple stuff like:

• Name, rank, serial #-type information
• contact info
• birthday
• family status
• their birthdays, if I know them
• Employer
• Profession
• Interests

I use that information to keep up w/my Community.  Whatever – it works… most of the time. 

You can read the rest here on my new(ish) Wordpress blog @ TheOneCrystal.com

Bye Bye Love...

So a lot of times when I'm blogging, I'll try to find a way to tie dating & relationships with our 'working lives'/the workplace.. because, there really are a lot of similarities, when you think about it.  And I'm sure if I sat here and thought long enough, hard enough... I'd probably find a way to do it with this one, too.  But, I'm not going to...not planning to, anyway.  We'll see what comes out!

Two weeks after my ex-boyfriend & I broke up, one of my oldest 'adult' friends announced she & her husband had broken up, as well.  I was there the day she got engaged, was a part of her wedding, was there for the birth of her first child and genuinely thought she and her hubby would be together forever.  After 4 years, their marriage?  Was over.

Okay, so that's not the first divorce I've ever encountered.  I'm divorced, for Pete's sake... but this one hit me differently.  Maybe it's because I was there for the milestones; or because during some of my REALLY ridiculous dating experiences.. I could look at the two of them and see a glimpse of what 'happily ever after' should look like.  And not going to lie, it made me happy seeing them happy.  That's gone now.  They're divorced & just two months later, I'm now seeing pictures of her that include another guy; and his FB has him in a relationship with another woman.  Neither of them are doing anything wrong; the ink is dry & final... but... it just feels wrong, in terms of love.  How quick is TOO quick when it comes to saying, "Bye Bye" and moving on??

Professionally, we're trained not to leave a job until we have a new one or risk damaging our careers... but, personally,of course that's a big 'no-no.'  I'm not going to hit on affairs & cheating - that's not the point of this blog post.  So, you 'do it right' (3) and end the relationship.  But, it's not like we immediately bounce back like a rubber-band into our 'pre-relationship' form.  No - we often have hurts & baggage to deal with... and even if you could convince me that it was the world's most amicable parting?  No baggage, no blame, all sunshine, roses & lollipops?  YOU have still changed - I mean, life shifts throughout the course of a relationship:  often who you socialize with, how you spend your time, preferences, etc... you're just not the same 'you' that you were before because as we grow, we change.  So, it stands to reason that it might make sense to take some time before you get back out there.

But how much time?  And to do what?  Having gone through a breakup last quarter, I obviously have recently looked to the 'experts' for advice on this very subject.  The one thing they all said in common? "Yes, take time."  Generally speaking, it's considered a good rule of thumb that relationships lasting more than six months will require some amount of "recovery" time because of the impression they leave on our lives.  The men I read offering advice were of two extremes:  about half said, "Get back out there in 30 days."  The other half said you take HALF as long as the relationship lasted.  (4)  That felt too long to me.  The women I asked? Talked in terms of YEARS to get to 'know myself' - holy cow; I turned single again, I didn't completely transform into a totally new person.  Small shifts? Yes.  a "Whole New Me?" No.   In the end, I decided that the amount of time that was appropriate was however long it was to successfully work through the following activities - because pretty much EVERYONE said this is what you do post breakup:

• What can I do now that I couldn't do before?  (AND DO IT)
• What are the things I no longer have to do?  (IF THEY DON'T IMPROVE YOUR LIFE? DITCH THEM)
• What do I have that I didn't have before? (FOCUS ON APPRECIATING THE POSITIVES - I think it's unhealthy to believe there's NOTHING good that comes from relationships we engage in - that's rarely ever really the case)
• What can I finally let go of?   (AND THAT MEANS REALLY LET GO - *This one's the real time-suck, I think)
• How can I be different now, in a positive way?  (SPEND GOOD TIME ON THIS; IT CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE)

For some people, that probably won't take more than a couple of weeks; and I think a lot of it depends on the personality you have & who you were in the relationship.  Personally, I tend to be the 'acts of service' and 'pleaser' in the relationship - meaning I can flex a lot of my world in an effort to create harmony & I like doing things that maybe I wouldn't even personally otherwise to show I care/make my partner happy.  So, in longer relationships, that may make working through that list take a little longer than the guy or gal that has more of the "take me as I am," "you fit into my life because what you see is what you're gonna get" person.  Neither are bad; they're just different & will require different amounts of time to properly move on.

There's one last litmus stick, I think.  This really cool article in the Times is what made me think of it.  Getting back out there?  It's a lot like Getting Naked... there's a vulnerability to it that makes us nervous.  Like stepping out at the public pool in  your bathing suit; or yes, going to bed for the first time with your new partner.  Reading the title of that article really snapped things into perspective for me - when I was comfortable 'stripping down' to the level of vulnerability required to 'get into the pool?'  I was ready to date - this time? It took just shy of two months.  But, there was a time it took a year.  Maybe my friend & her ex-husband were able to do the same during the process of their divorce - I don't know.  Everybody, every relationship is different.  And, as Judith Sills says in her article on "Getting Naked" - getting back out there?  ISN'T a requirement - some people? Are happy saying "Bye, Bye" to Romantic Relationships Permanently.  And I think that's okay, too...as long as it's true to who you are. But that?  Is another story for another day... ;)

1. This isn't a political thing, just really sat well with me. 
2. I'm thinking she means if you expect it'll be easy, then it's a recipe for disaster. 
3. Which sounds so wrong
4. In my case, I remember thinking, "Nearly six months?! Are you kidding me?"

GDE S.O.S., Please Rescue Me

 (1)

Can I just say I SERIOUSLY love this song?  It's on my daily dance mix (2) and I totally dig it - it's a lot of fun to dance to.  Anyway, as I was twirling around to this today, I started thinking about some of the S.O.S. moments I've had recently as I really start to get back into this dating thing.   I know I'm fairly low-maintenance when it comes to dating/going out on dates, so... it's probably a pretty safe bet that if this stuff bugs me?  It's stuff you should take note of, gentlemen...

1.  Be Polite to the Waitstaff

    This?  Should be something your Mother taught you when you were knee-high to a grasshopper, Men.  People pay attention to this.  I know I do... I always make a point of calling people that are serving me by their name, because.. well, they have one.  It's not "ma'am," "lady," "BOY," or "KID."  The really sad thing is that many of them have name-tags; and they ALL tell you their name in the beginning.  So, there's really no excuse; it's just being polite.  And if you can't be polite to the person serving you?  I'm just not interested; after all, isn't the first few dates where you're supposed to be on your best behavior, trying to impress??  That's decidedly NOT impressive - which means the downhill slope just isn't something I'm likely to want to stick around to see.   

2. Leave the Pillow Talk?  In the Bedroom

    Fortunately, I've not had to deal with this too much; but I've had my fair share and some of the stories my girl friends have told me?  Seriously make me roll my eyes.  Being too intimate with someone you don't know?  Isn't really intimacy at all - it's actually kind of degrading as it shows a basal lack of respect.  Before you know me?  I'm not your 'babe,' (3), it's a little creepy when you constantly address me as gorgeous & honestly?  It just makes me wonder if you actually remember what my name IS.  Also, the first date?  Is not when you bust out your sexual preferences & DEFINITELY not when you tell a lady about the bedroom mishaps in your last relationship.  No, no, NO.  

This one? Will have me actually cut our date short, for real.  Outside of your kids, elderly parents, or a Dr. on call?  Put.It.Away.Please.

3.  No Business on Our Date

     For years, I've had this rule that's served me well - I don't date my co-workers.  Part of that is to skip the awkwardness that comes when you break up (and let's face it, most of the people we date/have a relationship with we will end up breaking up with); but the other part?  Is I don't want to have to talk shop on my 'off-hours.'  So, let me tell you how THRILLED I am when a guy asks me on a  first date (4) if I can look over their resume, or shop them out to a firm, or whatever. Of course, I'm happy to help if I can - but you gotta understand that it just shifted the dynamics of how I see you.  I'm now putting on the 'recruiter's glasses' and those?  Judge much more critically... I think.  And it's awkward.  My hairdresser was talking about this last time I was there - she gets that from guys a lot, too.  I think maybe some guys think this is how you connect... but, asking for professional favors in a 'play-time' environment?  Not so fabulous... (5)

4.  And a Few Other Things to Generally Avoid:

     A.  Discussions about any medication you're taking 

     B.  Your Therapist and what said therapist is telling you to do

     C.  Your ex-wife, ex-girlfriend, ex-whatever 

     D.  Please don't order for for your date unless asked... may seem chivalrous, but it's not.  It's pretentious - and what if she has food allergies???

     E.  Protracted conversations about your pets, boss, and even your kids on a first date.  Look, I WANT to know if you're happy in your job, that you're emotionally capable to connecting to others - even small, fuzzy animals.. and of COURSE I care if you're a decent parent.  But, that first date or two?  I need to know a little more about what makes you YOU - your interests, beliefs, hobbies, etc.  So, ALL of these subjects are good; but keep the doses small so that we can cover all those topics.  If you launch into a diatribe? Make it a positive one - because the negative "my [fill-in-the-subject-here] sucks because..." talk?  Will have me sending up S.O.S. flares faster than anything.

For more 'sound advice' on things that will likely want your date 'rescued?'  Check out "Dating @ Suite 101" and for food to avoid?  E-Harmony has the answers here... 

(1) Darn you youtube for restricting this video to only being played on your site. :p  AOL music may have  now replaced you, ha! Here's hoping there's NOT an annoying 20 second commercial in front of it, though....
(2) part of my #TR30Days challenge for myself this 30 days was to dance for an hour a day.  Epic Win.  Love it.
(3) Which, I get this probably sounds kind of b*tchy, but I've always hated that 'pet name' as every single time I hear it?  I think of the little pig from the movie; NOT exactly what you want to be synonymous with.  lol
(4) Think first few here, boys...

(5) Exception to this:  I've dated a few guys from my industry and just general 'shop-talk' in small doses?  Totally cool - it's fun to talk about industry trends, funny stories, and new technologies.  Not what I'm talking about here.

GDE. Week Two: Dog Days

I really love my Saturday mornings; I've got this routine down where I go to Communications Park in Plano & walk for HOURS. Literally, hours - 4, to be exact.  I like to marathon walk - well, it's not ACTUALLY a marathon; but it is 10-20 miles that I'll walk on my Saturdays.  I stop when I feel like I'm going to pass out & then I typically go home, shower, nap & when I wake up?  It's Saturday night & time to go play. (1)  So, for me to give up my Saturday routine for a date?  Was selfishly a little hard for me.  I actually frowned as I passed the exit for my Park... who suggested Saturday morning?? He did.  Oh.. but I WAS the one who suggested 8am.  Dork.  Oh well, I'm committed now.

Stephen was easy to spot; but not because he looked just like his photos.  Oh, to be sure, he did - and he was charming; though, a little more salt/pepper than I had expected.  I don't care, though; had crushed on Sean Connery since I was like 6. (2)  Nope, Stephen was easy to spot because he brought his dog.  Nice.  We're now officially reenacting "Must Love Dogs" ... do I need to go rent one to fit in?? For anyone that hasn't seen a Weimaraner before?  They're BIG.  

After we said our hellos, Stephen said, "Got your coffee drink in the car - Chuck was a little excited and wanted to walk around.. want to go get it?"  When I excitedly agreed that yes, we should go grab our drinks? (3)  He tossed me his keys and said, "Black Range Rover, three slots from the back. Could you grab mine, too??"  Ummm..... ok.  I guess he DOES have the dog to contend with... but still, there's no way I'm giving a stranger the keys to my car.  His?  Was probably not much different than you'd expect from a surgeon; holy cow... there wasn't a spec of dust, dirt, stray paper, anything.  He's officially NEVER seeing my car; aside from having 2 kids?  It's kind of my mobile office.  So, not gonna lie - it's pretty much regularly an example of controlled chaos.

When I come back from getting the drinks, he's engrossed in conversation with a couple who is seriously obsessed with Chuck.  I politely listen as he goes on about how cool of a breed it is, etc.. I figure I'm getting to learn a little more about something that's clearly important in his life, right??  Besides, this allowed me to sip my drink in peace; which is a big part of my Saturday routine... Even still? No way was I prepared for Chuck being the entire focal point of our day's conversation.

TWO HOURS.  This is how long you can talk about a dog.  Exclusively.  Holy Cow.  We walked along the lake and I learned all about Chuck's history, his likes/dislikes (4), the games Stephen played with him, the way Chuck needs to be cared for, and the problems Chuck caused in his marriage.  Not gonna lie, I zoned out on a fair amount of the dog talk but totally refocused when he said the dog had been a major factor in deciding to divorce.  SAY WHAT?!  Evidently, Chuck? Spent every night of his 'married life' in bed with he and his ex-wife... who was not a dog-lover.  Greatness.

I had 2 options; cut this thing short or see it for the fertile playground for me to play amateur psychologist that it was.  So obviously, I went with the latter! :p  I mean, if I were truly trying to date this guy? I'd have cut it short and run... but, I'm experimenting here and learning about new personalities, etc.  So.. let's learn.  I spent the next 20 minutes asking him questions about how he responded to his then wife & why he felt like the dog's comfort superseded that of the woman he'd pledged to put above all others, etc..  I wasn't accusatory; I was curious - and I guess he got that, because he answered without irritation.  Actually, I think he was amused.  He felt like she wasn't ever as into him as she was the lifestyle he could provide.. but Chuck? Chuck loved him unconditionally for HIM.  Hmmm... okay.  That doesn't scream bats in the belfry at all, does it??  I get everyone just wants to be loved; but WOW.  And with that?  I suddenly felt as though I was the intruder on our date; rather than Chuck intruding on us.  Figured that was a sign & decided it was time for me to go...

Next week?  I'll remember to ask about pets.

(1) Thank G-d for my housekeeper because if I had to clean house on Saturday?  No way I'd pull that off.
(2) Who didn't?  Also crushed hard on Tom Selleck until someone (*Michelle*) pointed out he looked like my Dad and darn if that didn't just kill it for me.  My MOTHER did the same thing not too long ago with Robert Downey, Jr. & the comparison to my Dad.  Darnit, Mom - that was just wrong... Love Dad, but it's not right to compare him to my celeb crushes! :p  Oh well, still have The Rock & Cusak & No One will make a comparison to my Dad with either of those.
(3) what? I like my 'coffee drinks' :p
(4) the dog has preferences.  It's a dog; who knew???

Chasing Cars

Love this song. It, actually, was what got me to stop and watch my first episode of Grey's Anatomy... I had left the TV on in my bedroom back in what.. 2007? Went in my room to turn the TV off and this song was on in the background while Izzy's boyfriend was dying (1)... it just gave me chills. Not the show; the song. And I fell in love.

Now, forget the fact that at the time this thing was playing like every 5 minutes and doesn't really have a distinctive sound. Forget that it was covered by every bland lounge band in the world, I think. Forget that it didn't really FIT my musical inclinations at that time.. I. STILL. LOVED. IT. Kind of ironic, really; since the song is about an ill-fitted relationship.

How many times do we do that with our careers, or our dating relationships? We take a job or date someone that is completely wrong for us; but, we're so caught up in the perceived benefits that we ignore the bad fit? We tell ourselves that their self-absorption is just because they're not used to being part of a pair; or that the lack of warm-fuzzies from our boss is just because they haven't had a chance to know us long enough to see how cool we are - not because they just won't give them. Or the 18-hour workdays isn't REALLY the culture; it's just because we're new & they'll totally appreciate how dedicated we are! It's just US and OUR NEW RELATIONSHIP/OUR NEW JOB against the world.

"we'll do it all, everything; on our own... we don't need, anything... or anyone..."

Except, of course, we do. We do have needs and as we ignore them over time in service of trying to have that 'perfect moment that will change everything' (2) and make something work that maybe shouldn't? It changes who we are, I think. And the other party in the dysfunctional relationship? Knows it. Sees it happening. Senses the often subtle shift as your 'spark' fades away, deflated. At work, depending on the culture it'll either be ignored altogether or the employee might be labeled 'the bad egg' rather than just saying, "You know, maybe this isn't the mutual fit we thought it was." In the romantic relationship, the band-aid most often used is "I Love You."

Those three words, are said too much... They're not enough.

Because they're just words. You can tell an employee you appreciate them; but unless you show it through a well-thought out employee engagement program or a culture of meritocratic recognition? There's a good chance those words of "We're glad you are here" or "You're a great employee" are going to eventually ring hollow.

When I'm working with a candidate during the interview process, the 3rd question I prep them to ask about in an interview is actually related to performance & recognition. "You are hired to do a good job." I tell them, "So consider that a baseline of employment and let them know you realize that. But ask them, 'What happens when I really go above and beyond and knock the skin clean off the ball and out of the park?' How do you, as an employer, recognize excellence in your employees?" And I prep every candidate to make sure that they know the answers can be all over the map & there's not a WRONG answer (3) - just have to make sure it syncs with the way we need to receive appreciation/recognition.

Let's Waste Time... Chasing Cars... Around Our Head

30% of women, post-divorce, say they KNEW they were marrying the wrong guy before they even said "I Do." They knew there was an ill-fit; they knew there were problems that weren't addressed, they knew they weren't seeing the changes that their significant other promised they'd make. But they stayed anyway. In our dating relationships, we'll often let the "I love you" serve as an apology or a 'reset' post bad-behavior & that's never going to ultimately be enough. Because even though you can extend what at times are considered to be an absolutely unreal amount of grace to the relationships that matter to us, or to the employer we give our loyalty to? At the end of the day, what's needed? Is change.

I need your grace... To Remind Me... To FIND MY OWN.

Change. We are really responsible for being our own agents for change. When you're in a situation where you realize your relationship is ill-fated or dysfunctional; or you recognize that things aren't clicking the way you'd hoped or need at work... you have 2 options: You can ignore it or you can do something about it. I've worked with many an employer that will talk about the employee that took the initiative to proactively go to their leadership ... not to gripe, but to raise awareness and offer solutions. They partner with their employer to attempt to find a "win-win" situation. When I was running HR, I did this with our company through 'development plans.' When things weren't working, we would draft a mutual expectations plan so it wasn't one-sided on the employee - because relationships? Are not one-sided and don't work that way. Same thing in a romantic relationship... it can't be one-sided. So, have a conversation (4) and work together & be open to reasonable compromises.

I don't know where...

Confused about 'how' as well...

Just know that these things will never change for us at all....

Without that commitment to modifying behaviors or a willingness in both parties to accept responsibility for the things that each are doing that aren't 'fitting' in the relationship - whether it's work, friendship, dating, or marriage - things will never change. And sometimes, we have to accept that no matter how much WE might be willing; the other half of our relationship may not. I dated a guy that -and I'll remember the scene for as long as I live - that told me "I really, really love you; but I like things the way they are... and I mean, I can try to put your needs first some times but I'm just not good at that. I can say I'll make a point of showing you that I love you - but, I probably won't." (5) He said that with the same tone that you'd expect someone to use when they ask if you want to go get a slurpee from 7-11. What he was REALLY saying is, "I love you in my life; but I love me way more." I was never going to get the 'fit' I needed in a relationship regardless of the effort I put in; not because he was a bad guy or what I did wasn't enough... but, because he was never open to compromise or change. There's no win in that, folks - if you find yourself in that same situation where there's no room for a mutual satisfaction of needs? Then it's time to STOP wasting time chasing cars and find a change of scenery.

(1) or something like that - they're all the same basic plot line, anyway - guy and girl are in angst over something set to some rockin' music.

(2) come on, admit it... we've all done it. How many times in your life have you had a friendship, romantic relationship, or job where you felt totally beat down; but thought, "If I could just make "X" happen; the whole game will change??" I'll admit it, I'm totally guilty of that - I hate giving up, so I've been known to stick it out WAY past when I should have shown someone the door just so -I- can feel like -I- did everything I could and didn't give up.

(3) Unless there's NO answer; and my best advice for those candidates? Run. If a company doesn't know how they show appreciation to their employees or recognize superior performance? There's probably a problem there. I'd seriously ask about their attrition rates and how much of it's 'natural attrition' (people leaving on their own vs. being fired).

(4) Women: Word to the wise.. don't use "Feeling" words in this conversation. It's rare a guy is going to respond to "I feel like" - they tend to be less emotional and will likely respond better to "I think" and/or "I see" backed with three or four examples (not a dozen reasons why they suck). And screaming, crying constantly, or throwing a fit? Will not get you what you want. For a dozen years, I had a rule that if I was angry enough to yell? I needed to leave the room & come back when I was calm. Don't see the point of arguing.

(5). I didn't know whether to give him kudos for at least being aware of his default nature or a "peace-out" as I was leaving over the sheer audacity of his speech (which was condensed for the purpose of this blog post; but yes, he did say that!). In the end, I think it was so stunning that I did nothing; it totally freaked me out that someone could KNOW they were being negligent with someone they loved; but, just didn't care. With time & some research, I learned he probably did care but the psychological discomfort that accompanies changing negative patterns was likely more than he was able/comfortable with handling; so he settled into a "this is just who I am" mentality. You see this often in business, too; miserable employees will stay in positions they hate, with teams they can't stand because it's psychologically easier to deal with than the fear & discomfort that goes along with changing roles/jobs... Even if it'd ultimately make their lives better! The devil we know, I guess....

Knock, Knock, Knockin' on Heaven's Door....

I know I'm about to have fun writing when I'm actually writing the blog, in my head, in my sleep. Woke up thinking of the title; which was about 4 hours AFTER I had been woken up by THIS:

I'm sorry; didn't I just recently write that I hate getting this kind of stuff?? Isn't pretty much the whole world making fun of that Weiner guy for more or less the same thing?? Ugh... Less. Than. Amused. First of all, I have no idea why this picture was sent to me; I hadn't even responded to the last 4 texts this guy had sent. Secondly, the guy that sent it? I haven't even met yet! He's just a guy that had the misfortune (1) of popping up right after my last relationship ended. Told him I wasn't ready to date and that while I appreciated his interest & he seemed like a nice guy, he shouldn't wait around on me... it'd be at least a couple of more weeks before I was open to meeting someone new and the back & forth banter just wasn't something I was up to at that time. He told me he'd give me a couple weeks and then I should call him (2) - well, that's cool of him. Told him we could talk; but, as FRIENDS for now. Friendly banter, that's it... He said no problem.

Except, evidently, it was. He kept sending flirty (3) texts; I kept pointedly ignoring the flirts.. and then started ignoring his texts all together. My problem with them, with him, is that it was disrespectful. Instead of having the texts taper off or righting the subject matter; he just started texting more frequently, with later hours. 2am? Unless I'm dating you, you're a good friend, or there's an emergency? Is NOT an appropriate hour to try to strike up a conversation... I'll actually go so far as to say probably not after midnight, period. I'm pretty open with people that I leave my phone on when my kids aren't with me; because I HAVE gotten the 'middle-of-the-night' call from the kids. And I have to be there for that; I'm their Mom. It's part of the gig.

Anyway, as I was falling back to sleep; I couldn't help but making the correlation once again between trying to get a date & trying to get a job. Think about the process for a second...

Applying for a Job

1. You send in an application

2. You hear back from the Company

Trying to Date Someone

1. You ask for a phone #/send a message

2. You get the #/get a return message

Initial Interest Has Been Established - the 'Hard Skills Requirements' have been met

3. You send in a clean copy of your resume

4. You have a phone screen w/ the recruiter

5. You're set up for an interview

3. You exchange initial texts/fb pages

4. You talk on the phone

5. You're set up for a 1st meeting

The Point of The 1st Meeting is to Check for Initial "Soft-Skills" Compatibility

If that goes well?

6a. Second-Round Interviews are set up

6a. You get a 2nd meeting - an actual 'date'

If it doesn't?

6b. 'thank-you, no-thank you' letter or call

6b. 'we're not a fit' convo call/email

Back to the "It Went Well" Track

7. More Interviews, Meet the Team

8. Offer is formulated & extended

9a. Offer is accepted/New Employee

9b. Offer is rejected/ back to looking

7. More dates, calls, & Meet the Friends

8. Exclusively Dating Discussion

9a. Offer accepted/Relationship continues

9b. Offer rejected/ back to looking

Over-eagerness at the wrong stages? Doesn't serve well with either job hunting OR dating. Just like with dating, you want an employer to know you're interested, but not NEEDY. People want to pursue that which they don't believe is needed but wanted. If you 'need' them too soon? Chances are they won't 'want' you. Too much contact; especially if not returned? Is a turn-off for both. There's something to be said for playing it a LITTLE cool at first; intensity comes a little easier with time. After an interview or a date, there's something to be said for that next-day contact... a quick email, text (5), or phone call that says, "I appreciate the time we spent together; I'm interested in what I learned and look forward to moving to the next step in this process" is good. Telling an employer that you have already updated your LinkedIn profile or your 'Relationship Status' to "dating" on FB to the new guy/gal in your life? Probably going a bit too far...

Yes, there's something to be said for the person that is confident enough in who they are and what they can be to BE PATIENT and enjoy the process to make sure their next move? Is the right move for their career or relationship. And for the ones that can't?? They get that 'next' move made for them... that lands them squarely "Back to Looking."

(1) his misfortune is looking like a stroke of good fortune for me, as he's pretty much continually disrespected what I've asked for in the last week or two.

(2) actually, he said more than that; which you can see in blog post "Listen! Bruised, But Not Broken" - I have a habit of using song titles for blog titles - that one is "Listen!" by Beyonce (was on TV when I was writing it) & "Bruised But Not Broken" by Joss Stone

(3) Flirty is actually being kind; inappropriate would have been a better word-choice, perhaps.

(4) Which I'm assuming was the case with this guy

(5) if you're dating; don't text a potential employer, IMO

Professionally Personal - Intro to "Profersonalism"

Once, upon a time, I dated this guy. Yeah, I know, quell surprise.... Anyway, I did. Was a great guy then, is a great guy now; but absolutely drove me bonkers dating him. Why? Because I totally felt like he was two different people... and he was; and at least he was trying to be. Josh (1) believed that your "Personal Life" and your "Professional Life" were different... separate. The two should never meet outside of the occasional story when answering the "How was your day, dear?" question over dinner or drinks. (3)

Back to the point: I was Josh's PERSONAL "friend" (2) and so that meant we kept the professional life very, very separate. We didn't connect on LinkedIn, we didn't see each other's tweets... to the point where I didn't actually meet any of his coworkers for a few months because he was worried about the two "Worlds" colliding. I even got "in trouble" once for making the mistake of suggesting that my Company might be able to help his out. Literally. In trouble. I was "grounded" from seeing him for like 3 days because, as he put it, "I should have known better." (4)

Obviously, that went over REALLY well with me because everyone likes to be treated like a five-year-old. But, condescending tone aside? It STILL didn't sit right: because I don't get the difference. Seriously. A "Work Life" and a "Personal Life" as two distinctly separate entities doesn't make sense to me because last I checked? I have ONE life. I've always struggled with this. My Clients & Candidates? Are on my Facebook & more than that? I'm friends with them. Of course, I don't see what I do as an imposition on people; so that probably helps. But, even if there was absolutely no discernible connection between what I did for a living and the people I knew? I still wouldn't try to keep them separate. I don't see the point. I'm "ME" - one person and that's the person that people relate to, build a relationship with, want to work with, play with, date, whatever. All the same person. Maybe it's easier for me than it might be for some other people because I just don't DO things I wouldn't want people I'm professionally connected with to not find out about... and I'm not ashamed of what I do professionally, so why wouldn't I want to help my friends? It all blends well.



Anyway, the point is that I've always lived my life as ONE book with an open, congruent story to both my professional contacts and my personal ones. At this conference I'm at, one of the speakers (5) said something that really drove home that which I've believed, but hadn't figured out how to articulate: "We broadcast all the time. But when we share just our personal life or just our professional life; we're only broadcasting 50% of the story... At that point, there's a contextual disconnect at a very profound level because we're only telling half the story of who we are..." (6) He submitted that we needed to check into a concept he coined 'profersonalism.'

Profersonalism: noun - meaning: the blended characteristics of one's professional and personal endeavors to comprise one distinct, complete life story.. While it's a mouthful to say -and don't even bother with the 3 times fast thing - I dig it. Maybe because, well... I live it. To a degree, anyway. I totally subscribe to the concept of not trying to break apart and tightly define your life. If you're going to succeed in life - and, by 'succeed' I mean TRULY ROCK IT - you have to be 'all in.' Having the 'WHOLE YOU' engaged wherever you are? Is where the true 'win' is... for your employer, for your coworkers, for your family, friends, boys & girls.. :p And it's as simple - and as difficult - as just changing your perspective.

More to say on this... but probably needs to be in a different blog posting as this one? Is reaching my traditional "War & Peace" length... Just a lot of ground to cover. :)

(1) Not his name, but will work for purposes of this blog.

(2) What's between a friend and a girlfriend - you know, when you've been on more than a few dates but you're not ready to claim the exclusive status? Whatever that was? I was that.

(3) -Small aside: I don't know about everyone else on the planet; but when I ask that question, what I mean is "What noteworthy happened in your day, dear?" What excited you, moved you, challenged you, changed you... This is not really an open invitation to tell me all the minutia or launch into a 50-minute tirade about how the office sucks the ever-loving soul out of you. For further reference? See blog "Get Bent" or "No Drama Little Mamma: Down with Drama Queens" blog. :p Everybody has gripes now and again - that's fine; but if we are the culmination of where we choose to put our focus? Then I'd rather focus on the positive - outside of needing to noodle it over so you can figure out how to handle something or what to make of it, of course. Basically that's my LOOONG way of saying I'm not asking you to launch into a gripe-fest. :)

(4)Yeah, yeah... I know... No, I can't tell you how I manage to find these people but if I did? I'd so make a business out of hooking up the right people personally like I do professionally. Just sayin' - it's easier with businesses.. there's a little more rationale to it and a lot less social drinking. (which I don't do much of, but... anyway)
(5) Jason Seiden - http://jasonseiden.com/
(6) Or something to that extent; I'm paraphrasing.

Why YOU're Not Married, Maybe... Not me!

I started this back in February; but for assorted reasons,didn't finish or post it. As I have my emergency nail repair -yes, that CAN constitute an emergency, thank you; have you seen my shoes??? - now's as good a time as any to finish it. :)

To say that I was raising an eyebrow in slightly miffed disbelief at Tracy McMillan's "Why You're Not Married?" Would be an understatement. Because, I'm pretty sure that I'm not single due to any of the reasons that she listed in her blog post.(1) But that being said? I don't think she's completely wrong, either. The whole shallow, slutty thing will get no argument from me. I just think she missed the overall point.

Yeah, Maybe We Are Liars... Sorta
I -do- think that we all have a tendency to be unintentional liars in relationships. Not about what food we want to eat, or what we want to do on a date, or whether or not we really work at the local coffee shop... but, about what we want out of life and the baggage we're carrying along for the relationship ride. For most of us, I think it's because We.Don't.Know. We don't know whether or not we want to get married; we don't know why we're so screwed up and freak out every time "Say Yes to the Dress" comes on TV.

Most people don't really take the time to deconstruct the issues in their past relationships before moving on to the next one. So, we take those hurts with us and over time they just become habits or boundaries that become part of our identity... we may not even remember why we felt the need for those behaviors to begin with. They get thrown in under the heading of "it's just who I am" and we keep moving on in search of the person who'll finally 'get it' / 'get us, just the way we are.' Except... how can someone else 'get it' if we don't even really get it ourselves?



But the rest? She missed the mark...

It's not that you're not good enough; it's that you think you DESERVE even better.
I'll be the first to admit that I? Am a catch. I know it; I've always known it. Sure, I've got my baggage; but I'm perfectly capable of carrying it myself, thanks. I'm stable, successful, attractive, centered, fun; with 2 cute kiddos and no ticking biological clock. But, I've never been one of the girls that's said to myself, "I'm a solid 7 or 8; so... it's only 9s or 10s for me!" Not really caught up on all of that; but boy do I know a lot of people who are. They think they're too good for the guy with the balding head and glasses; being with him would reflect poorly on their own worth. I will say that while I've seen my girl friends do this? Guys? Are SUPER bad about this; not sure if it's a lack of reality-based self awareness or just that we are wired differently... But i have watched way too many of my guy friends cast aside wonderful women that thought they hung the moon (2) to "trade up" for the hot chick that treats them like they are being done a favor just by virtue of being there. And it just really rarely ever works out... If YOU think you deserve "more" fine- but when you only accept what YOU believe should be just beyond your reach? Not only is that a little shallow, but the imbalance in the relationship will eventually make you both unhappy... Which doesn't exactly evoke images of wedded bliss, now does it?

Having children does not mean you will be cured of selfishness any more than not being selfish means you will get married...

We have ALL met the uninvolved parent, the Mom that will buy Manolos before medicine or the Dad who can't make the soccer games because it interferes with his busy bar schedule. HAVING a child does not mean you will love them, or be the kind of selfless that I think she is referencing that spouses want to experience... It just means you have children. Those of us who put our kids high up there on the priority scale know that children are actually an Impediment to dating more than an enhancement... But, when the right person comes along, they get the priority & roll with it.. Making it a priority for them, too, by respecting its importance In your life. But not gonna lie; that's a tall order to fill. Also, "selfish" has NEVER been used as a descriptor for me but I? Am still single :) My point is that it's not an automatic qualifier/disqualifier.

So, ok Ms. Smarty-pants, what is the point??? (3)

The point is if you're not married? You aren't ready yet... Maybe not because YOU personally aren't at a place where you are ready to be married; but, because to be married? It takes two.. And if the "we" isn't ready for marriage, then you're not ready yet. You shouldn't try to force the issue or play games with it, either. Just assess the situation honestly & objectively; communicate with your partner to make sure your long-term horizons look the same. If they don't? Then your problem isn't how to get married; it's how to move on and start over with someone else. But, if they do? Then chill out & don't suck the fun out of a good relationship by being impatient. Marriage isn't a magic formula for happiness & certainly isn't required for "happily ever after;" but it is absolutely worth the wait until you both are firmly on board because it IS supposed to be forever... and who wants to live with wondering if you got hitched because he was head-over-heels, yet thoughtfully committed to a lifetime or just did it because you pushed??




(1) though, my former boyfriends might be the better people to ask, LOL
(2) but maybe aren't going to be cast in any movies next week or will stop traffic just by stepping out of the car in the parking lot
(3) Come on, you know you were thinking it.... It's okay... :)

Being Content & How it makes me feel When.... WHAT?!

So, checking out my blog it seems like there's a lot of new readers... as far away as Norway & Denmark (1)! For those of you that are new to my blog? Welcome. :) Since I'm picking this back up again, I guess an intro makes sense: I started blogging over here when I joined FB after migrating from Myspace & another blogging site that I co-wrote with a friend. For the most part? I blog about relationships & life as a 30-something single chick in Dallas/Fort-Worth: focusing on dating, parenting, fashion, & trending topics. It's been my thing for the last 7 years now and somehow? There's always new material. :)

So, was talking to a friend today about being content vs. being happy. Very interesting concept he had - basically, he points out that the enemy of content is happy: meaning, we'll blow the contentedness we have for the 'happy' we think we've yet to attain. But really, he maintained, happiness is fleeting so we're really never going to 'permanently arrive' in HappyTown. Which means? On the journey to try to be happy? We end up being miserable.

Apply this to relationships and by my take, it means a couple of things. One? People give up too darn quick. Maybe it's because we get bored, maybe it's because we don't know how to fight, maybe we've just lost that loving feeling. Who knows... probably depends on the person. But going back to society (because it's all society's fault, you know :p)... I do think our 'insta-feel-good' society plays into it. We're really conditioned from early on that if it doesn't feel good? Change it, ditch it, NEXT! Pretty much everything is disposable. Of course, there are some things should be disposed of. Like culottes. And spandex after the age 18. :p

Anyway, was still mulling this over when I ran across a blog that pretty much proved his point. The blog is called "A Woman's POV" and every blog post basically starts with "How it Makes Me Feel..." and then plugs a subject matter. Sounds harmless, right? Except, here's the thing: EVERY blog post was something negative! Among them:

• How it Makes Me Feel When He Doesn't Like My Driving
• How it Makes Me Feel When He is Two Hours Late
• How it Makes Me Feel When He's Trying to Change Me Physically
• How it Makes Me Feel When He Sends an Angry Text
• How it Makes Me Feel When He Gives Me an STD (2)
• How it Makes Me Feel When He Doesn't Call

You know what there wasn't ONE post about? Any subject that was positive. And that just seems kind of sad. I get it. It's absolutely easy to get frustrated because we all do frustrating things; but if you get myopically focused on the little irritants, you can quickly lose sight of why you were with that person to begin with. And boom: you just traded content for miserable in the pursuit of Happyness. (3)

When you're married, there's scads of aids to help you focus on the positive aspects of your relationship. Not so much when you're dating; but the concept is the same so thought I'd share one that seems pretty cool to me. It's called Fireproof. I don't think you need to read the book to work the concept... but basically, the couple in the book has a relationship that is failing. Prior to divorcing, the guy's father 'dares' his son to a 40-day dare: work his devotional every day, record his thoughts/feelings... but at the end of every day, he was to perform one act of love towards his partner. Whether she reciprocated or not - basically, a display of unconditional love. As a Christian, I saw this as a neat mirror to the unconditional love that Christ shows us.

More than that, though? It highlighted how the simple change of perspective for a period long enough to form a habit can create sustainable change & melt some pretty cold, cold hearts. While I didn't think it'd work for EVERYONE; I still found it cool enough to discuss with both married and single friends. The results kinda shocked me:

• Single Men: They were open to it. Of course, there was the initial joke about Kirk Cameron and the Fireproof swag stuff... but, overall? I spoke with 5 single guys and 3 of them said they'd do it to save their relationships. Kinda cool.
• Married Men: No joke; talked to 4 of my married friends. 2 said the same thing: "Like I'd have a choice; [my wife] would drag me to Church for that." Hmmph. They seemed less sold; but hey, they still said they'd go!
• Single Women: The least willing of the bunch. Basically, ONE of my 5 single girl friends polled said they'd give that a shot. "Next" was pretty much the overwhelming consensus.
• Married Women: Remember the 2 guys that said their wives would drag them to the Church Seminar?? Yeah, that's SO in their future. :p But, what was interesting to me was that the 3rd said "Eh, not interested" and the 4th? Was so positive her husband wouldn't be interested that SHE wouldn't consider it because it'd create too unhappy of a situation to feel like she was trying alone. (4)

I'm kind of on the fence about it. Some relationships I think are probably worth it; but, historically, I've been right there with my single girl friends... if it's not clicking, then NEXT! But, sometimes, I can't help but wonder... we're never going to completely 'click' with some one else because.. well... we're different. And our differences are things that probably drew us to each other to begin with; so, when they start to drive us crazy? Isn't it somewhat hypocritical to just give up? So; if the LOVE DARE isn't the answer, fine... how do you 'fireproof' the 'contentedness' of your relationships so that you don't lose it chasing 'happy?'

(1) I totally love that I have a reader in Norway and another in Denmark... but please shoot me a message telling me how you found my blog! :)

(2) Eew, and yeah, that'd be something to get irritated about, to put it mildly. That actually deserves a boot to the head & an attorney, frankly.

(3) I seriously love that movie. One of the scenes was actually on my business website - sooo inspirational!
(4) Ok, but if that's where you are? What do you have to lose??

Poor Prince Charming

After my workout last night, I couldn't sleep. Had a lot on my mind, professionally speaking, and couldn't put it away. Saw one of my guy friends online &, of course, he razzed me about my last post. Whatever... I stand by it. It IS okay to take time & it IS okay to hurt after a break-up; I don't like how we're all told to fake it till we make it & push our feelings under the rug so no one knows we're bruised. That's stupid; and kind of emotionally thwarting. I'm not taking out any billboards (1) about it; I'm just done pretending I'm peachy. Well, I am peachy... just not about my relationship.

But this isn't really about me - contrary to what the banner on the site says. :P

Anyway, I was talking with Matt* and we got to talking about how much effort & energy goes into dating - something I'm NOT missing at the moment. :p Seriously, the first 5% of a relationship is absolutely draining on an effort front! I? Got NO sympathy points for being a girl from him; he actually said it's much harder to be a single guy in the dating world... esp. when you're over 30. REALLY???? WHY?!?!?!?!?

His answer was simple: Women never stopped looking for Prince Charming. (3)

"No really," he says, "There's a lot of pressure on guys to be this 'white knight' that sweeps you women off their feet and is practically perfect."

"Like Mary Poppins?" I counter, giggling.

"No, like Prince Charming." Let me share his perception of women's criteria & then I'll respond:

1. To be 'Prince Charming,' you must be 'cut.' When I prodded on this? It meant definable abs, less than 18% body fat, and muscles that Popeye could be proud of.
2. Can't have facial hair unless it's a super short goatee - women won't kiss you.
3. Must be fashionably dressed.
4. Must be funny, witty, and charming.
5. Must be able to afford expensive dates to show we're financially well off.
6. Must be able to watch, and discuss, popular chick flicks, romcoms, & tv shows. Which means we needed to be watching them before we go out with you women.
7. Must be full of faith & compassion for small animals, children & charities.
8. Must be able to prove financial fitness by discussing investments & charitable donations.
9. Must have nice car.
10. Must not be overly interested in sports.
11. Must be able to cook gourmet meals to show self-sufficiency & renaissance ability.
12. Must like gardening & enjoy flowers.
13. Probably needs to show time spent volunteering or helping elderly parents.
14. Must be able to dance, preferably play some musical instrument, and enjoy fine art.
15. Be able to discuss fine wines and not drink cheap beer.
16. Be up on current events & reading books on life improvement.

Call me crazy, but a lot of those seem to have a redundant theme of 'must be financially fit.' Ok, so those were the criteria he listed. Here's my response: If that guy exists and is into women? Please send him my way. LOL

Seriously, does it sound to you that he's describing a CHICK? Because that's totally what I got out of it. And, as I told him last night? I don't want to date a chick - I hang out with my girl friends when I need a dose of estrogen. Now, some of the stuff he rattled off hold true for both MEN & WOMEN; but a lot of it sounds like... well, off to me. Hitting on all of these creates a blog post that is hella long & then some... so, I'm picking a few to touch on:

• # 1 -Although it's totally fun when you get picked up and carried around by a guy? It's kind of uncomfortable to snuggle with a rock. A little smooshiness is a good thing, in my book. Just be healthy.
  
• 
  
• # 2 - Wrong. I love facial hair - I do NOT like Santa beards or crazy sideburns & I think that's more what women tend to want to shy away from. A little scratchy goatee or mustache? Tre' fun!
• 
  
• # 3 - Yes. I don't want to date the Dad from the Cosby show. But, FYI? Ed Hardy & ESP. Affliction shirts? Are not 'Prince Charming' material. In fact? They kind of scream that you are either a completely oblivious middle-aged man or have some sort of serious Narcissistic complex that you think you are suuuper cool with your deep phrase cross shirts. They're douchey. (4) And sweater vests? Are for my Dad & he's even too fashion forward to wear them. You should be, too. Converse? Are cool but shouldn't be all you own.
• 
  
• #5 - BS! If this is true? You're dating the wrong girl. My favorite date of ALL TIME was actually going to look at Christmas lights, bowl/shoot pool, and then played a VERY bad game of darts. Pretty sure this whole experience was around $40 or less. It's about who you are with & the quality of time you have together - not the price tag for the meal. I'm personally uncomfortable in expensive restaurants because I see it as a ginormous waste of money. But, if you're taking all your dates to Mickey-D's? Yeah, might want to turn up your game just a tad!
  
• 
  
• #6 - No. Dear God Please No. Yes, I'd like to know that a guy WOULD watch one with me; but I'd rather he watch his own shows that he's interested in. I would find a guy's mental processes beyond retarded if I found out that he was watching chick shows just to get a leg up. Pretty sure Prince Charming? Doesn't do that.
• 
  
• #8 - NO. I don't want to hear about your Roth IRA, your credit card debt or lack thereof, or how much your mortgage is. THIS IS NOT ANY OF MY BUSINESS. I can kinda figure out if you can afford your lifestyle over time by just paying attention. Your finances? Not something I care to know about.
  
  
  
  
• #9 - Ok, this one is tough for me. I think it's appropriate for you to not be driving around in a 1980s Mazda 323 if you're striving to be Prince Charming, for sure. That is a massive indicator that your finances are probably screwed up & you might have problems affording your lifestyle. But, I'm actually a little more concerned with the guy that is driving the pimptastic sports car that costs him WAY too much because it "defines him." If your car 'defines you? It's kind of saying you're a tool, fyi. Cars are a bad investment; so I've traditionally been taken by the guy that's got his paid off or has a decent, sane thought process for why they picked whatever it is they drive.
• 
  
• #11 -Nope. It's kind of cool if I don't have to teach a guy to cook; but it's equally fun to cook together & I think it's kind of endearing when a guy can only cook kraft mac 'n' cheese & salad. :p You DO get brownie points if you can cook, though.. so.. yeah.
• 
  
• #13 -Eeeeh... no. Now, don't get me wrong - it's SERIOUSLY impressive, cool, and worth a billion brownie points if you're passionate about helping others & do it for that reason. And the guy who doesn't have a good relationship with his family? Yes, it raises questions but there can be legit reasons for it. But again, if you're not GENUINE? You're a Dbag; not Prince Charming.
• 
  
• #15- Yup. Not going to lie; a guy who knows his wine gets further up on the P.C. scale with the ladies - but enjoying a Miller Lite is not going to knock you off the white horse, I don't think.
  
• 
  
• #16 - Former yes, Latter?? Eh, not so sure. Most men I've met aren't into reading anything outside of web pages & magazines. I really don't care; but that might just be me. You don't need a book to improve your life; but it's definitely a Prince Charming requirement that you DO try to improve yourself on a regular basis. Because really? If you're not moving forward in life? You're moving backward & that's not charming to anyone.

So, net net? I think Matt is a little off the mark & creating a lot of undue pressure on himself to be a version of Prince Charming that's really not necessary. BUT... maybe I'm wrong. Maybe all those things ARE what women want these days. If so? Ladies, are we setting our sights a mite high???

(1) While I do evidently have new readers in Canada, Denmark & Germany? (Hellooo, random!) This particular blog's readership has dwindled dramatically since I curtailed regular posting & pruned a lot of my submissions - So, I'm reaching MAYBE a whopping 100 readers a week or so at present. :p

(2) So not his name, but I'm trying to protect privacy when I can. :P

(3) Yeah, I don't know about that - I'm just super excited when their emotional maturity is past that of high school, they don't spend 40 hours a week on video games, they can pay their own bills/manage their lives, & don't confuse me with the 900-number girls that I'm praying they don't pay $3.99/minute to. I know, my standards are impossibly high. :p

(4) Is 'douchey' even a word??? If it isn't, it should be. And the picture by the definition should be the Affliction Shirt.

Listen!... Bruised But Not Broken

Though sometimes it seems that friends, family, society-at-large might -intentionally or otherwise- lead one to think otherwise. Most of the time? I think when people tell you to do something completely different than you've been going at it? It's done with the best intentions; but the net result for me lately has been wondering "What's wrong with me? Why didn't I see it that way?"

The answer? Is nothing. I'm just ME... not them.

I got to thinking about this after I blogged & subsequently deleted a post talking about how I wasn't ready to date. I had asked a friend to make sure it wasn't too 'poor me' because that wasn't how I was trying to come off; and her response was to delete it because [he] shouldn't get the satisfaction of seeing I was hurt. So, I did.

That was dumb.

As a quick aside? I don't see him getting satisfaction from that, for starters. But mainly? I -AM- hurt; I am a little broken-hearted because it's just sad when it doesn't work out with someone you loved. And it's OK. It's also okay to not be able to instantaneously be over something that ended up being an significant part of your life... and is then just gone. Even if you understand the whys & wherefors; even if it is a long time coming; even if you realize that it was the right thing to do. Why pretend to be all cool if you're not yet? Now, there's a balance, of course! If you were running around clothed in sack-cloth and ashes? That'd be a problem. If I were pathetically not functioning? Also a problem. But that's not the case. (1) I'm getting out, seeing friends, doing things, working out, cooking & writing... the normal stuff. I'm just not dating - by choice - but it really hasn't been that long? I don't think that makes me a spinster-sister just yet. ;) I also think it's respectful to the relationship I just got out of & the men I'll date in the future to take time before I just jump back in there while still one of the walking wounded. Plus, I've never been broken up with before; this is a first for me and I gotta say? I kinda prefer the other side, LOL. I am bruised; but saying so doesn't make me broken.

Anyway, it got me thinking: how many things have I done, or stopped doing, or never did to begin with at someone/something else's dictation? The answer is? A little more than I'm comfortable with lately. But, I'm not alone. As a society, we tend to stave off making all kinds of decisions until we've been given direction on which way to go. In fashion, we let the 'fashion elite' (2) tell us what colors are 'in' & what to wear- and that's ok, unless you ditch your wardrobe to comply (3) when you don't even like the colors. In relationships, we let "experts" who've written best-sellers tell us how to behave in order for our relationship to be a success. While I DO like "He's Just Not That Into You" enough that I had copies for friends (4) -that's really more common-sense stuff. But there's fewer of those and more "Why Men Marry B*tches.. & why you should be one, too" that are really just total crap. But many of us do it - because... well, why do we?

Is it because it's easier than thinking for ourselves or are we just so clueless as to what to do when things don't go as expected that we're willing to do ANYTHING - even if it's the wrong thing - in an effort to improve whatever we feel is lacking in life? Is it lack of confidence? Is it that we feel more comfortable doing something if we have the reassurance of others that we're vindicated or justified in our actions through their assent? I've been doing a lot of thinking on this for myself lately. For me, the 'not thinking' option? Definitely not it. I'm an over-analyzer by nature. So, sometimes I seek the counsel of others to make sure I haven't twisted my thought processes into a pretzel that no longer makes sense. I'm not alone in this - a LOT of people (5) hash their life issues out with people they trust. And that's cool, as long as the fact that you're seeking OPINIONS isn't lost. Ultimately, you still have to make a decision that works for you. Or in my case, ME.

I really was pretty good at this for most of my life. And still am, when I allow myself to be. It may not always look like what everyone else thinks it should & I will probably embarrass myself as often as I will not.. but it'll be authentic. Which is why I think most of the people that like me, do... I'm real. Goofy as all get-out & a total klutz... but I'm real. And I'm okay with that. :) When I was doing things the way I was told was 'the way to be' and trying to force myself to act a certain way because "that's how it's done?" (6) It didn't work for me. When I stepped back and rectified that? Not only did it feel better; but I got some valuable insight that showed me that was maybe SOOOO not the direction I wanted to go, anyway! Score!

And PS? I love this song. It's not exactly related; but not totally unrelated, either. Mainly Beyonce just has a fantastic voice & it was on Glee so I had to look it up. 'Nuff Said. :) (7)

(1) Ok, so yes, I had my moments of hurt, wounded pride & feelings of failure the first couple of days; but no sack-cloth & ashes. :p
(2) And who are they, anyway?
(3) I sooo wish I had this picture of a HIDEOUS looking dress I bought because "yellow" was in. Not on me it's not. Just makes me look like I have diphtheria or something.
(4) Yes, I do see the irony MB; & is this one time I can lovingly say, "Shut it!"? :p

(5) read: most

(6) My guy friends (& some girl friends) said I just needed to "Get back on the horse" & go out with someone. After much protestation & having friends mention they saw he's dating (even though I know he's not doing anything WRONG? Still sucks to hear - you'd like to think people would pine over you forever because you're so darn awesome.. :p)? This one guy that asked? Got a 'sure, why not'... but, I KNOW why not. So, fixed that today to get the reply of something along the lines of "... the best way to get over one girl is to get under another one. IDK. Never been one for serial monogamy so take a couple of weeks & then reach out to me. I'm sure I'll be around." My thought? Yeah, if that's the case I'm sure you probably will but if you mean what I think you mean? Then no, I probably won't. ;) Seriously, chivalry.. don't talk about sex with people you haven't met yet, guys!

(7) No, I don't watch Glee normally; Lindsey had it on before the game.