Someone Like You - Reminiscing On Our Quest for Camelot

This is one video that's absolutely worth listening to her talking about the song BEFORE you read further.  It's funny she mentioned this song reflected her being 'on her knees;' I was thinking this morning when I decided I wanted to write a blog using this song about the first time I heard this song.  It did genuinely bring me to my knees... emotionally speaking.  And then I went to YouTube & found this video where she's saying just that... I guess it's just so touching because it's easy to identify with 'profersonally' speaking - work, play, love.. it's all equally applicable.  Hurt. Fear. Restrained Reminiscing. Bittersweet Well-wishes ... we've all lived it. Correction... We All Live It.

When I first heard this song, all I heard was the loss. And that's what I looked back on - the things I'd built up & let go of; the unbelievable amount of effort I had put into a couple of roles in my career to just have felt completely unappreciated.  The guy where I knew I gave everything I had to have ultimately lost the relationship, anyway.  At first, the song was somewhat painful to truly 'hear.'  In all honesty, the girl that never cries in movies?  Cried listening to this song.

 Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead...  

Life is, quite simply, the sum of  how we connect. With people, places, things... Our 'connectedness' with others.. those relationships we form... they define us and they change us.  That change is a big part of our growth process.  I've written about that for years; so, this isn't exactly a newsflash.  But lately it seems that I've been doing a lot of 'looking back' with people in my life: former coworkers on old Employers we have moved on from, friends & acquaintances asking about my "now-not-really-new breakup" & how I'm faring, (1) and explaining the whys with mutual connections behind some friendly relationships I've let go of recently. (2)

Regrets & mistakes they're memories made... 

who would have known how bittersweet this tastes...

You know how the time flies; only yesterday was the time of our lives..  

I met with my mentor for lunch this week.  It was so good to see him & I'm always grateful for the discussions we're able to have.  We touched briefly on the Company we had worked together at & discussed the evolution it's had over time.  When I joined, the Company was truly like a 'Camelot' company to me.  (3)  And don't get me wrong, it's not a poor Company now; but it's definitely changed with time.  But things have to change; for there to be 'Camelots' or 'Glory Days' there have to be time-spans, relationships, companies that ...well... just aren't.  How do you appreciate greatness if you've never experienced anything but?  How do you evolve & grow individually if you don't take the working principles that achieved that greatness and apply it elsewhere? (4)

We were born and raised in a summer haze; 

bound by the surprise of our Glory Days....

The fear with striking out & leaving is, of course, that we will never find anyone that fits with us the way we thought 'they' fit with us when things were wonderful.  Or worse yet, that they WILL find someone; perhaps even a better version for them, to fill our now vacant shoes.  We look at the 'glory days,' at our former 'Camelots' and wonder - even pray - that we'll be connected in that way somewhere else, with someone or something else, some day.  Hopefully sooner rather than later.  Because let's face it: from the standpoint of desire, that's kind of what it's all about it, isn't it?  To feel wanted, value, connected, loving where you're at, who you're surrounded by, and what you're doing.

When we don't immediately find it, quite often we'll go back to what we had while the option is still there to take.  This is common enough that it even has it's own buzz-word for the occurrence:  "boomerang" - works with romantic relationships & employment status. I'm not going to say it's never the right thing to do; because there are times when it is. (5)  But, honestly? It's precious & rare - the growth that we experience that prompts us to leave often makes that repeat performance an abysmal experience. We 'boomerang' when what we should be saying is Nevermind, I'll find someone like you... but a version of you - of the positive attributes in our professional or personal relationship - that's better suited to the 'me' I am now.   Remember, while we fear change - because we're afraid to fail - it's that very change/failures that move us forward & help us grow.  So, reminisce if you want; but keep moving forward to the Camelots of your futures...not the ones in your past.

Nevermind, I'll Find Someone Like You 

Nothing Compares No Worries or Cares

Regrets & Mistakes They're Memories Made

I Wish Nothing But the Best For You....

(and the line she forgot)

And Will Accept Nothing But the Best For Me, Too...

~~~

(1) Before you have a chance to wonder? I'm fine.  It was a breakup; not the advent of the apocalypse. But, as a side note? It always strikes me as interesting when people ask if it hurts losing someone you love. Um, yes. It does - Of COURSE it does...whether you wanted it or not..  broke my heart; but that's life.  You have to deal with the negative outcome to find the positives & everyone can. We roll with it and move on to find new interests, new relationships, new loves.  That's how it works.

(2)The "Unfriending" Pts1 & 2 ended up being the catalyst for some relationship inventory work - while I haven't cut out a bunch of people, I have stepped back from some friendships that just don't fit with what I want my life to be/reflect & moved them more to 'friendly acquaintances.'  This fits in with the "5-Minute People" that this book I read a long time ago discussed... think it was called Rainmaking.

(3) So much so that I wrote about it twice.  Here's the first time:  "Camelot & Camelot Companies"

(4)Speaking more about work here, this isn't a reason to ditch your relationship to go "better" someone else, lol

(5) And when it IS one of those times? Grab it; life's really much too short to throw away happiness with both hands!

Chasing Cars

Love this song. It, actually, was what got me to stop and watch my first episode of Grey's Anatomy... I had left the TV on in my bedroom back in what.. 2007? Went in my room to turn the TV off and this song was on in the background while Izzy's boyfriend was dying (1)... it just gave me chills. Not the show; the song. And I fell in love.

Now, forget the fact that at the time this thing was playing like every 5 minutes and doesn't really have a distinctive sound. Forget that it was covered by every bland lounge band in the world, I think. Forget that it didn't really FIT my musical inclinations at that time.. I. STILL. LOVED. IT. Kind of ironic, really; since the song is about an ill-fitted relationship.

How many times do we do that with our careers, or our dating relationships? We take a job or date someone that is completely wrong for us; but, we're so caught up in the perceived benefits that we ignore the bad fit? We tell ourselves that their self-absorption is just because they're not used to being part of a pair; or that the lack of warm-fuzzies from our boss is just because they haven't had a chance to know us long enough to see how cool we are - not because they just won't give them. Or the 18-hour workdays isn't REALLY the culture; it's just because we're new & they'll totally appreciate how dedicated we are! It's just US and OUR NEW RELATIONSHIP/OUR NEW JOB against the world.

"we'll do it all, everything; on our own... we don't need, anything... or anyone..."

Except, of course, we do. We do have needs and as we ignore them over time in service of trying to have that 'perfect moment that will change everything' (2) and make something work that maybe shouldn't? It changes who we are, I think. And the other party in the dysfunctional relationship? Knows it. Sees it happening. Senses the often subtle shift as your 'spark' fades away, deflated. At work, depending on the culture it'll either be ignored altogether or the employee might be labeled 'the bad egg' rather than just saying, "You know, maybe this isn't the mutual fit we thought it was." In the romantic relationship, the band-aid most often used is "I Love You."

Those three words, are said too much... They're not enough.

Because they're just words. You can tell an employee you appreciate them; but unless you show it through a well-thought out employee engagement program or a culture of meritocratic recognition? There's a good chance those words of "We're glad you are here" or "You're a great employee" are going to eventually ring hollow.

When I'm working with a candidate during the interview process, the 3rd question I prep them to ask about in an interview is actually related to performance & recognition. "You are hired to do a good job." I tell them, "So consider that a baseline of employment and let them know you realize that. But ask them, 'What happens when I really go above and beyond and knock the skin clean off the ball and out of the park?' How do you, as an employer, recognize excellence in your employees?" And I prep every candidate to make sure that they know the answers can be all over the map & there's not a WRONG answer (3) - just have to make sure it syncs with the way we need to receive appreciation/recognition.

Let's Waste Time... Chasing Cars... Around Our Head

30% of women, post-divorce, say they KNEW they were marrying the wrong guy before they even said "I Do." They knew there was an ill-fit; they knew there were problems that weren't addressed, they knew they weren't seeing the changes that their significant other promised they'd make. But they stayed anyway. In our dating relationships, we'll often let the "I love you" serve as an apology or a 'reset' post bad-behavior & that's never going to ultimately be enough. Because even though you can extend what at times are considered to be an absolutely unreal amount of grace to the relationships that matter to us, or to the employer we give our loyalty to? At the end of the day, what's needed? Is change.

I need your grace... To Remind Me... To FIND MY OWN.

Change. We are really responsible for being our own agents for change. When you're in a situation where you realize your relationship is ill-fated or dysfunctional; or you recognize that things aren't clicking the way you'd hoped or need at work... you have 2 options: You can ignore it or you can do something about it. I've worked with many an employer that will talk about the employee that took the initiative to proactively go to their leadership ... not to gripe, but to raise awareness and offer solutions. They partner with their employer to attempt to find a "win-win" situation. When I was running HR, I did this with our company through 'development plans.' When things weren't working, we would draft a mutual expectations plan so it wasn't one-sided on the employee - because relationships? Are not one-sided and don't work that way. Same thing in a romantic relationship... it can't be one-sided. So, have a conversation (4) and work together & be open to reasonable compromises.

I don't know where...

Confused about 'how' as well...

Just know that these things will never change for us at all....

Without that commitment to modifying behaviors or a willingness in both parties to accept responsibility for the things that each are doing that aren't 'fitting' in the relationship - whether it's work, friendship, dating, or marriage - things will never change. And sometimes, we have to accept that no matter how much WE might be willing; the other half of our relationship may not. I dated a guy that -and I'll remember the scene for as long as I live - that told me "I really, really love you; but I like things the way they are... and I mean, I can try to put your needs first some times but I'm just not good at that. I can say I'll make a point of showing you that I love you - but, I probably won't." (5) He said that with the same tone that you'd expect someone to use when they ask if you want to go get a slurpee from 7-11. What he was REALLY saying is, "I love you in my life; but I love me way more." I was never going to get the 'fit' I needed in a relationship regardless of the effort I put in; not because he was a bad guy or what I did wasn't enough... but, because he was never open to compromise or change. There's no win in that, folks - if you find yourself in that same situation where there's no room for a mutual satisfaction of needs? Then it's time to STOP wasting time chasing cars and find a change of scenery.

(1) or something like that - they're all the same basic plot line, anyway - guy and girl are in angst over something set to some rockin' music.

(2) come on, admit it... we've all done it. How many times in your life have you had a friendship, romantic relationship, or job where you felt totally beat down; but thought, "If I could just make "X" happen; the whole game will change??" I'll admit it, I'm totally guilty of that - I hate giving up, so I've been known to stick it out WAY past when I should have shown someone the door just so -I- can feel like -I- did everything I could and didn't give up.

(3) Unless there's NO answer; and my best advice for those candidates? Run. If a company doesn't know how they show appreciation to their employees or recognize superior performance? There's probably a problem there. I'd seriously ask about their attrition rates and how much of it's 'natural attrition' (people leaving on their own vs. being fired).

(4) Women: Word to the wise.. don't use "Feeling" words in this conversation. It's rare a guy is going to respond to "I feel like" - they tend to be less emotional and will likely respond better to "I think" and/or "I see" backed with three or four examples (not a dozen reasons why they suck). And screaming, crying constantly, or throwing a fit? Will not get you what you want. For a dozen years, I had a rule that if I was angry enough to yell? I needed to leave the room & come back when I was calm. Don't see the point of arguing.

(5). I didn't know whether to give him kudos for at least being aware of his default nature or a "peace-out" as I was leaving over the sheer audacity of his speech (which was condensed for the purpose of this blog post; but yes, he did say that!). In the end, I think it was so stunning that I did nothing; it totally freaked me out that someone could KNOW they were being negligent with someone they loved; but, just didn't care. With time & some research, I learned he probably did care but the psychological discomfort that accompanies changing negative patterns was likely more than he was able/comfortable with handling; so he settled into a "this is just who I am" mentality. You see this often in business, too; miserable employees will stay in positions they hate, with teams they can't stand because it's psychologically easier to deal with than the fear & discomfort that goes along with changing roles/jobs... Even if it'd ultimately make their lives better! The devil we know, I guess....