Chasing Cars

Love this song. It, actually, was what got me to stop and watch my first episode of Grey's Anatomy... I had left the TV on in my bedroom back in what.. 2007? Went in my room to turn the TV off and this song was on in the background while Izzy's boyfriend was dying (1)... it just gave me chills. Not the show; the song. And I fell in love.

Now, forget the fact that at the time this thing was playing like every 5 minutes and doesn't really have a distinctive sound. Forget that it was covered by every bland lounge band in the world, I think. Forget that it didn't really FIT my musical inclinations at that time.. I. STILL. LOVED. IT. Kind of ironic, really; since the song is about an ill-fitted relationship.

How many times do we do that with our careers, or our dating relationships? We take a job or date someone that is completely wrong for us; but, we're so caught up in the perceived benefits that we ignore the bad fit? We tell ourselves that their self-absorption is just because they're not used to being part of a pair; or that the lack of warm-fuzzies from our boss is just because they haven't had a chance to know us long enough to see how cool we are - not because they just won't give them. Or the 18-hour workdays isn't REALLY the culture; it's just because we're new & they'll totally appreciate how dedicated we are! It's just US and OUR NEW RELATIONSHIP/OUR NEW JOB against the world.

"we'll do it all, everything; on our own... we don't need, anything... or anyone..."

Except, of course, we do. We do have needs and as we ignore them over time in service of trying to have that 'perfect moment that will change everything' (2) and make something work that maybe shouldn't? It changes who we are, I think. And the other party in the dysfunctional relationship? Knows it. Sees it happening. Senses the often subtle shift as your 'spark' fades away, deflated. At work, depending on the culture it'll either be ignored altogether or the employee might be labeled 'the bad egg' rather than just saying, "You know, maybe this isn't the mutual fit we thought it was." In the romantic relationship, the band-aid most often used is "I Love You."

Those three words, are said too much... They're not enough.

Because they're just words. You can tell an employee you appreciate them; but unless you show it through a well-thought out employee engagement program or a culture of meritocratic recognition? There's a good chance those words of "We're glad you are here" or "You're a great employee" are going to eventually ring hollow.

When I'm working with a candidate during the interview process, the 3rd question I prep them to ask about in an interview is actually related to performance & recognition. "You are hired to do a good job." I tell them, "So consider that a baseline of employment and let them know you realize that. But ask them, 'What happens when I really go above and beyond and knock the skin clean off the ball and out of the park?' How do you, as an employer, recognize excellence in your employees?" And I prep every candidate to make sure that they know the answers can be all over the map & there's not a WRONG answer (3) - just have to make sure it syncs with the way we need to receive appreciation/recognition.

Let's Waste Time... Chasing Cars... Around Our Head

30% of women, post-divorce, say they KNEW they were marrying the wrong guy before they even said "I Do." They knew there was an ill-fit; they knew there were problems that weren't addressed, they knew they weren't seeing the changes that their significant other promised they'd make. But they stayed anyway. In our dating relationships, we'll often let the "I love you" serve as an apology or a 'reset' post bad-behavior & that's never going to ultimately be enough. Because even though you can extend what at times are considered to be an absolutely unreal amount of grace to the relationships that matter to us, or to the employer we give our loyalty to? At the end of the day, what's needed? Is change.

I need your grace... To Remind Me... To FIND MY OWN.

Change. We are really responsible for being our own agents for change. When you're in a situation where you realize your relationship is ill-fated or dysfunctional; or you recognize that things aren't clicking the way you'd hoped or need at work... you have 2 options: You can ignore it or you can do something about it. I've worked with many an employer that will talk about the employee that took the initiative to proactively go to their leadership ... not to gripe, but to raise awareness and offer solutions. They partner with their employer to attempt to find a "win-win" situation. When I was running HR, I did this with our company through 'development plans.' When things weren't working, we would draft a mutual expectations plan so it wasn't one-sided on the employee - because relationships? Are not one-sided and don't work that way. Same thing in a romantic relationship... it can't be one-sided. So, have a conversation (4) and work together & be open to reasonable compromises.

I don't know where...

Confused about 'how' as well...

Just know that these things will never change for us at all....

Without that commitment to modifying behaviors or a willingness in both parties to accept responsibility for the things that each are doing that aren't 'fitting' in the relationship - whether it's work, friendship, dating, or marriage - things will never change. And sometimes, we have to accept that no matter how much WE might be willing; the other half of our relationship may not. I dated a guy that -and I'll remember the scene for as long as I live - that told me "I really, really love you; but I like things the way they are... and I mean, I can try to put your needs first some times but I'm just not good at that. I can say I'll make a point of showing you that I love you - but, I probably won't." (5) He said that with the same tone that you'd expect someone to use when they ask if you want to go get a slurpee from 7-11. What he was REALLY saying is, "I love you in my life; but I love me way more." I was never going to get the 'fit' I needed in a relationship regardless of the effort I put in; not because he was a bad guy or what I did wasn't enough... but, because he was never open to compromise or change. There's no win in that, folks - if you find yourself in that same situation where there's no room for a mutual satisfaction of needs? Then it's time to STOP wasting time chasing cars and find a change of scenery.

(1) or something like that - they're all the same basic plot line, anyway - guy and girl are in angst over something set to some rockin' music.

(2) come on, admit it... we've all done it. How many times in your life have you had a friendship, romantic relationship, or job where you felt totally beat down; but thought, "If I could just make "X" happen; the whole game will change??" I'll admit it, I'm totally guilty of that - I hate giving up, so I've been known to stick it out WAY past when I should have shown someone the door just so -I- can feel like -I- did everything I could and didn't give up.

(3) Unless there's NO answer; and my best advice for those candidates? Run. If a company doesn't know how they show appreciation to their employees or recognize superior performance? There's probably a problem there. I'd seriously ask about their attrition rates and how much of it's 'natural attrition' (people leaving on their own vs. being fired).

(4) Women: Word to the wise.. don't use "Feeling" words in this conversation. It's rare a guy is going to respond to "I feel like" - they tend to be less emotional and will likely respond better to "I think" and/or "I see" backed with three or four examples (not a dozen reasons why they suck). And screaming, crying constantly, or throwing a fit? Will not get you what you want. For a dozen years, I had a rule that if I was angry enough to yell? I needed to leave the room & come back when I was calm. Don't see the point of arguing.

(5). I didn't know whether to give him kudos for at least being aware of his default nature or a "peace-out" as I was leaving over the sheer audacity of his speech (which was condensed for the purpose of this blog post; but yes, he did say that!). In the end, I think it was so stunning that I did nothing; it totally freaked me out that someone could KNOW they were being negligent with someone they loved; but, just didn't care. With time & some research, I learned he probably did care but the psychological discomfort that accompanies changing negative patterns was likely more than he was able/comfortable with handling; so he settled into a "this is just who I am" mentality. You see this often in business, too; miserable employees will stay in positions they hate, with teams they can't stand because it's psychologically easier to deal with than the fear & discomfort that goes along with changing roles/jobs... Even if it'd ultimately make their lives better! The devil we know, I guess....

Fixing You

Ok, I love the book Never Eat Alone. If you've never read it, you should - it's by Keith Ferrazi & it absolutely changed a lot of the ways I looked at relational networks years ago. For whatever reason, I've had it on my mind over the last week or so. I was talking to some different people this evening; all with very different roles in my life. I'm probably going to go too many directions with the analogies; but bear with me: :)

The first was my newly-found family member.

The second was my boss.

The third was a close friend.

The fourth was an old love.

The fifth was my father.

The sixth was ... well, new to my network, so not yet defined.

The first five? 'Net Worth' TO me is easy: it's big. Family is always pivotal to who you are; so it's importance is no big shocker there. They're kind of like the sea mark buoys - they provide navigational direction to make sure that you don't get too far off the path in life; because they love you and want you to do well. Your boss? Kind of reminds me of the Submarine buoys - there for cases of emergencies, but for the most part? Lets you do what you do because... that's why they hired you!

Even the old love? Had a profound impact on my life - positively and negatively; although clearly more of the marker buoy that kind of tells a story of where you were at that moment in your life that you were with them and then they (1) sink or fade away, extinguished. But your friends? Your friends are like the life buoys - they keep your head above water and sometimes? Saves you even when they don't mean to... because when you don't see your 'net worth?' They still do and that faith... well, maybe that fixes you a little bit now & again.

Your Network is Your Net Worth.

I tweeted/FB'd about this earlier - of course, I was talking about business relationships; but in all honesty all those people above? Those are the biggest contributors to what comprises the 'net worth' of my network. I feel immensely lucky because several of my friends are also people I do business or work with; but even still - when I'm 113 (2) and looking back on my life? These are the people that I'm likely to spend the majority of my time reflecting on - my friends, my family, my loved ones. While businesses may change and objectives are completed or can lose importance as the world shifts - those three categories of people in our lives have permanence.

My Dad and I talked a little bit about this tonight as it relates to dating. It's easy for us to get caught up in what our own needs/wants/desires are and how our 'special friends' (3) are able to provide those things for us, proving their worth and earning their place in our network. And that's okay to a degree; because it IS important to know that reciprocity exists in any relationship. But in doing so, some of us lose sight of what we're giving back... where our own 'net worth' is to others. I'm not looking down on anyone; because we all do it at one time or another. Different reasons: we're self-absorbed, we're afraid to be genuine because we might not get what we want, we like feeling pursued as it eases our insecurities, we're protecting ourselves from continued hurt... there's a lot of reasons, but at the end of the day? It's kind of what makes us human.

Doing so absolutely damages our network's net worth, though; as relational 'currency' comes from helping others achieve their full potential through their needs, desires, and ambitions. That's awfully difficult to do when you're focused on yourself. This holds true for your professional relationships & positions, as well. Sometimes, we get so myopically focused on getting that next client, making more money, being appreciated for our contributions, or furthering our business ambitions that we can actually become ineffective in our performance... making the very thing(s) we were trying to achieve further out of our reach. It also waxes disingenuous with those we are connected to - and there's nothing easier to spot than the person you feel is insincere or interested in only what they can gain from others. There's no 'deposits' being made into those relationships & that makes their net worth? Zero.

So, if you find the relationships in your network a little broken or you've gotten into that shallow, self-serving rut... what do you do about it? How can you fix it? Well, first of all, turn to your closest friends & family. Even if you've let the relationship lapse a bit; at the end of the day, those are the people that will still have your back when you come to them with a humble heart. Ask for their help with the following:

• Clear Your Personal & Professional 'Thought Clutter:' This is a 2-part exercise. First, you need to let go of negative thought patterns. Purposefully decide to stop engaging in activities that tear others down. (4) You can simply choose to not participate - it's completely okay to redirect a conversation to a more positive purpose or just walk away from them altogether. Secondly, you have to know what true 'greatness' looks like in your life and relationships. What are your goals for each? When you know what you're trying to accomplish; it becomes easier to see how you can align your goals with that of others in your network - and together you can achieve more ... with reciprocity!

• 
  
• Never Eat Alone - Again, if you haven't read the book, you should. This doesn't mean you can't ever have a meal by yourself; but what it does mean is that when you can spend time connecting with others you should and meals are often a great time to do that because, well... everyone has to eat. Make a point of scheduling time with people for lunches, coffees, drinks, desserts, dinners, whatever... I'm doing this a minimum of 4 times a week and I have to say that it makes a HUGE difference in the quality of my relationships. You get time to really BE actively plugged into someone else's world; just make sure that you're spending that time equitably & are genuinely interested in what is going on in THEIR world, their needs, etc. It's okay to have an agenda (5); but if you put yours first all the time; then your 'stock' in that relationship isn't going to be worth all that much!
• 
  
• Constant Contact - So, FB is really helpful with keeping in continual touch with friends; use it! :) By keeping in quick, regular contact with your friends & networks - esp. when you DON'T need anyone - it helps reinforce you care. A quick text, FB post/message, tweet whatever - I try to reach out to people every 3-5 days; just a 'ping' to say "hey, you matter!" :)

Ok, might change some of this later but for now? Gotta run!

(1) As they were in that role of your significant other, partner, boyfriend/girlfriend, spouse, partner, whatever - the point is that love shifts from that of a romantic sort to that of someone you care about, and probably always care about on some level, because they were important in your life. I don't know about you, but I don't think I can honestly say I wish ill on anyone I've ever loved - I want all of them (there weren't many, that sounds wrong) to succeed - just sometimes a little further away from me than others! ;p

(2) Yes, I decided when I was 8 that I was going to live to 113 and I've just run with that. My great-granny Bunch lived to past 100 (I think) so... seems like a possibility to me!

(3) Ok, that even made ME gag a little. :P Special Friends?? I'm now an ABC after-school special but it did make me Laugh Out Loud that I wrote that so... I'm leaving it!

(4) Gossiping, tearing others down, sabotaging the performance or projects of others, being generally uncooperative, being judgmental.

(5) And please don't pretend you don't if you do; the dis-ingenuousness of that doesn't fly on any relationship level - can't tell you how many guys I kicked to the curb or cut a date short with because you could tell they were just absolutely not who they were pretending to be. People don't want to be flattered as an inducement to doing whatever you want them to do; they just want you to be 'real.' Doesn't mean you'll get what you want; but it does mean you'll be a little more respected.

My #TR30days 'Buckets' List

So, last night as I was hanging with the girls, I was thinking about the TR 30 Day Personal Revolution Challenge - specifically, when to start it. It'd be SO easy to put it off 'till July; but I'm NOT doing that. Because? July will quickly become August and next thing you know; it'll be another thing I thought sounded cool, but never got around to doing. So, I'm going to start it on 6/19 and go through 7/18 for my first 30 days, I think. Here are my "Buckets" and the list of the positive change I want to help facilitate in my little world! Using the format from the blog post explaining this on the 30daypersonalrevolution.com website; it's a good one:

Gratitude: "Gratitude is not only the Greatest of all virtues; but the parent of all the others." ~ Cicero (Ok, this 'bucket' was absolutely snagged from @Sexythinker, the talented Ms. Amanda Hite - but it's fantastic & absolutely fits with where I want my focus to remain!)

• Make a point of reaching out and expressing gratitude to 1 person that has made a positive impact in my life each day.
• Start integrating gratitude as a prosocial behavioral motivator in my work
• Share 1 thing a day from the Encyclopedia of Gratitude & write about how it's positively affected my life - why I'm grateful for it, too!
• Pay it Backward - Reach out to one person that has 'paid it forward' with me and see how I can help them in return... then do it!

Social:

• Make a point of working on repairing a couple of key relationships that I let lapse over the last year
• Do something with 1-2 friends that I normally don't get time to go do things with - expand my social 'outings' outside of my norm so I can really get to better know and appreciate my friends/connections - going to try to schedule something once a week.
• Be open to dating - still not real hip on the thought of another serious relationship; but I guess they don't start there, do they?? :) So, I'm resolved to say 'Absolutely' to at least one invitation over the next 30 days. Still has to be with someone I'd WANT to go out with - I'm not going to just say 'sure' to anybody. Criteria should still apply, right??? :)
• Restart Champagne Thursdays with the local ladies! :D

Giving Back- Volunteering/Altruism Project:

• Complete the Natural Disaster Donation Project (1) by end of June.
• Start the "Altruism Adventure" with the girls - teaching the importance of altruism, demonstrate the principle in my own life & have the 3 of us perform 1 altruistic act a week.
• Continue volunteer efforts - for this 30-days, want to include work with Attitudes & Attire.
• Organize a suit drive for Attitudes & Attire.
• Find a workable date for the Blood Drive for Providence & continue to work towards facilitating/organizing that event.

Health & Fitness - Mental & Physical:

• Drink my 3 liters of water a day (and stop complaining that I don't like how it tastes! LOL)
• Integrate One 15k each week IN ADDITION to the daily 10ks... cut time by 30-seconds/mile
• Restart Physical Therapy for my jaw - increase opening from 24mm to 28mm by end of 30days
• 1 hour of dance EVERY day
• Do squats for 30 minutes every day while watching "How I Met Your Mother"
• Start friends Bible study with A (and maybe Julie?)
• 5:30 am workouts 3 days a week with Heather
• Read 3 books a week - but make sure one is just for fun and one is for general learning & one is for business (rather than ALL on business).

Business:

• Register for remaining conferences for 2011.
• Solidify Q3 Social Media Plan & Strategies for TxMQ & Clients. Write proposal for same.
• Work with Lisa on her Q3 & Q4 professional plan.
• Revisit 2011 business plan strategies for Q3 & Q4.
• Gain commitment to bi-weekly trainings for team & write schedule.
• Finish new BD opp presentation for potential RPO client.
• Restart video blogging for work. Commit to 1/week
• Identify a potential Jr. BD person for DFW.

(1) I know, dorky name, but it wasn't anything I was planning on doing mass publicizing for outside of facebook. Also, through this? I'll be eliminating about 30% of the stuff that's in each room in my house and 60% of what's in my attic & garage! :D

Just Some Saturday Randomness...

Just finished revamping a training for next week and am feeling a little like procrastinating before I get to the business of cleaning my house today. :p So, thought I'd put a few random thoughts down and address a couple emails here first... figured that might buy me some time! LOL

1. Q: The guy in the photo - is that really 'real?' Do you post all the pictures guys send you?

A: Yes, the guy is real and yes, it was sent to me last night. However, NO, I do not post all the pics guys send me - in fact, I can say I rarely post any and I make VERY sure that people can't identify the guys I write about when I do write about the inane dating/meeting people/relationship experiences. :p I think, if I didn't, I'd probably never date! LOL I DO try to make sure that I'm up front that I blog about dating and ask that if they don't want to be part of it? They let me know - outside of 'weiner-esque photos?' I try to respect that.

2. Q: Where do you find these guys?

A: They're pretty much everywhere. Look, once we pass over 30 - maybe before - we get significant baggage that we have to deal with. It's not really just relegated to guys; there's some whack job women out there, too. I have definitely done my share of stupid chick stuff in dating, I'm sure. A lot of them do seem to hang out on dating sites, though.

Ok, those were the 2 questions I got multiple times - so, thought I'd get that out there. Beyond that? Fun stuff! I really had a blast at the conference this week; there's so much that I need to look at and reassess and was pretty blown away by the brilliance in the rooms I was able to be in! There's some great things going on and even more coming in the social marketing & recruiting space & I'm looking forward to being there when it does! I have a TON of work to do, though...

Got the donation pick-up coordinated; I'm really excited about that, too - we've got over a dozen families involved so far! Furniture, clothes, home items, school supplies, toys, etc... all going to families in need in OK, LA, and AL. If you're wanting to get on board and live in the 380 corridor? Shoot me a message on fb or email me and we'll coordinate getting you in. Donation pick up is 6/24. This has been fun; I'm looking forward to doing more community outreach programs over the next few months as they present themselves.

So, I had an interesting time with a new guy recently... it was fun. Different - really different for me - but enjoyable just the same. Cool guy. Might not amount to anything more than that; but I had fun so I figure that means I'm probably ready to get back out there and just see what presents itself. It's been a month, I've processed whatever I need to and I'm good. :)

That's probably a good leader for segueing into the 30-day challenge. check it out: 30 day Personal Revolution- Lifestyle challenge. You can find it on twitter under #TR30day - I'm not going to blow the whole thing here - you SHOULD check out the website & see the movement on twitter... but basically? I'm in and if you want to join me (and a ton of people from #PRSCamp); love to have you! I know a lot of us are in sort of a season of change in our lives & personal improvement should be a continual thing. Here's the basics:

30 Day Lifestyle Challenge:

1. CREATE: Define what you want. Write a bucket list of the things you want to do in the next 30 days. Be specific and plan these items on your calendar. Keep the list simple and focused. Sometimes less is more.

2. SHARE: Post your list either on your blog or email it to us to post at 30days at talentrevolution.net. It’s important to share your list so others can support and hold you accountable to your goals.

3. SUPPORT: On Twitter follow the hashtag #TR30days to follow the community participating in the 30 day challenge. Post updates of your progress, reach out to the community when you need support. Follow others progress and support them. Pick an on or offline support partner who is also doing the challenge.

Knock, Knock, Knockin' on Heaven's Door....

I know I'm about to have fun writing when I'm actually writing the blog, in my head, in my sleep. Woke up thinking of the title; which was about 4 hours AFTER I had been woken up by THIS:

I'm sorry; didn't I just recently write that I hate getting this kind of stuff?? Isn't pretty much the whole world making fun of that Weiner guy for more or less the same thing?? Ugh... Less. Than. Amused. First of all, I have no idea why this picture was sent to me; I hadn't even responded to the last 4 texts this guy had sent. Secondly, the guy that sent it? I haven't even met yet! He's just a guy that had the misfortune (1) of popping up right after my last relationship ended. Told him I wasn't ready to date and that while I appreciated his interest & he seemed like a nice guy, he shouldn't wait around on me... it'd be at least a couple of more weeks before I was open to meeting someone new and the back & forth banter just wasn't something I was up to at that time. He told me he'd give me a couple weeks and then I should call him (2) - well, that's cool of him. Told him we could talk; but, as FRIENDS for now. Friendly banter, that's it... He said no problem.

Except, evidently, it was. He kept sending flirty (3) texts; I kept pointedly ignoring the flirts.. and then started ignoring his texts all together. My problem with them, with him, is that it was disrespectful. Instead of having the texts taper off or righting the subject matter; he just started texting more frequently, with later hours. 2am? Unless I'm dating you, you're a good friend, or there's an emergency? Is NOT an appropriate hour to try to strike up a conversation... I'll actually go so far as to say probably not after midnight, period. I'm pretty open with people that I leave my phone on when my kids aren't with me; because I HAVE gotten the 'middle-of-the-night' call from the kids. And I have to be there for that; I'm their Mom. It's part of the gig.

Anyway, as I was falling back to sleep; I couldn't help but making the correlation once again between trying to get a date & trying to get a job. Think about the process for a second...

Applying for a Job

1. You send in an application

2. You hear back from the Company

Trying to Date Someone

1. You ask for a phone #/send a message

2. You get the #/get a return message

Initial Interest Has Been Established - the 'Hard Skills Requirements' have been met

3. You send in a clean copy of your resume

4. You have a phone screen w/ the recruiter

5. You're set up for an interview

3. You exchange initial texts/fb pages

4. You talk on the phone

5. You're set up for a 1st meeting

The Point of The 1st Meeting is to Check for Initial "Soft-Skills" Compatibility

If that goes well?

6a. Second-Round Interviews are set up

6a. You get a 2nd meeting - an actual 'date'

If it doesn't?

6b. 'thank-you, no-thank you' letter or call

6b. 'we're not a fit' convo call/email

Back to the "It Went Well" Track

7. More Interviews, Meet the Team

8. Offer is formulated & extended

9a. Offer is accepted/New Employee

9b. Offer is rejected/ back to looking

7. More dates, calls, & Meet the Friends

8. Exclusively Dating Discussion

9a. Offer accepted/Relationship continues

9b. Offer rejected/ back to looking

Over-eagerness at the wrong stages? Doesn't serve well with either job hunting OR dating. Just like with dating, you want an employer to know you're interested, but not NEEDY. People want to pursue that which they don't believe is needed but wanted. If you 'need' them too soon? Chances are they won't 'want' you. Too much contact; especially if not returned? Is a turn-off for both. There's something to be said for playing it a LITTLE cool at first; intensity comes a little easier with time. After an interview or a date, there's something to be said for that next-day contact... a quick email, text (5), or phone call that says, "I appreciate the time we spent together; I'm interested in what I learned and look forward to moving to the next step in this process" is good. Telling an employer that you have already updated your LinkedIn profile or your 'Relationship Status' to "dating" on FB to the new guy/gal in your life? Probably going a bit too far...

Yes, there's something to be said for the person that is confident enough in who they are and what they can be to BE PATIENT and enjoy the process to make sure their next move? Is the right move for their career or relationship. And for the ones that can't?? They get that 'next' move made for them... that lands them squarely "Back to Looking."

(1) his misfortune is looking like a stroke of good fortune for me, as he's pretty much continually disrespected what I've asked for in the last week or two.

(2) actually, he said more than that; which you can see in blog post "Listen! Bruised, But Not Broken" - I have a habit of using song titles for blog titles - that one is "Listen!" by Beyonce (was on TV when I was writing it) & "Bruised But Not Broken" by Joss Stone

(3) Flirty is actually being kind; inappropriate would have been a better word-choice, perhaps.

(4) Which I'm assuming was the case with this guy

(5) if you're dating; don't text a potential employer, IMO

Professionally Personal - Intro to "Profersonalism"

Once, upon a time, I dated this guy. Yeah, I know, quell surprise.... Anyway, I did. Was a great guy then, is a great guy now; but absolutely drove me bonkers dating him. Why? Because I totally felt like he was two different people... and he was; and at least he was trying to be. Josh (1) believed that your "Personal Life" and your "Professional Life" were different... separate. The two should never meet outside of the occasional story when answering the "How was your day, dear?" question over dinner or drinks. (3)

Back to the point: I was Josh's PERSONAL "friend" (2) and so that meant we kept the professional life very, very separate. We didn't connect on LinkedIn, we didn't see each other's tweets... to the point where I didn't actually meet any of his coworkers for a few months because he was worried about the two "Worlds" colliding. I even got "in trouble" once for making the mistake of suggesting that my Company might be able to help his out. Literally. In trouble. I was "grounded" from seeing him for like 3 days because, as he put it, "I should have known better." (4)

Obviously, that went over REALLY well with me because everyone likes to be treated like a five-year-old. But, condescending tone aside? It STILL didn't sit right: because I don't get the difference. Seriously. A "Work Life" and a "Personal Life" as two distinctly separate entities doesn't make sense to me because last I checked? I have ONE life. I've always struggled with this. My Clients & Candidates? Are on my Facebook & more than that? I'm friends with them. Of course, I don't see what I do as an imposition on people; so that probably helps. But, even if there was absolutely no discernible connection between what I did for a living and the people I knew? I still wouldn't try to keep them separate. I don't see the point. I'm "ME" - one person and that's the person that people relate to, build a relationship with, want to work with, play with, date, whatever. All the same person. Maybe it's easier for me than it might be for some other people because I just don't DO things I wouldn't want people I'm professionally connected with to not find out about... and I'm not ashamed of what I do professionally, so why wouldn't I want to help my friends? It all blends well.



Anyway, the point is that I've always lived my life as ONE book with an open, congruent story to both my professional contacts and my personal ones. At this conference I'm at, one of the speakers (5) said something that really drove home that which I've believed, but hadn't figured out how to articulate: "We broadcast all the time. But when we share just our personal life or just our professional life; we're only broadcasting 50% of the story... At that point, there's a contextual disconnect at a very profound level because we're only telling half the story of who we are..." (6) He submitted that we needed to check into a concept he coined 'profersonalism.'

Profersonalism: noun - meaning: the blended characteristics of one's professional and personal endeavors to comprise one distinct, complete life story.. While it's a mouthful to say -and don't even bother with the 3 times fast thing - I dig it. Maybe because, well... I live it. To a degree, anyway. I totally subscribe to the concept of not trying to break apart and tightly define your life. If you're going to succeed in life - and, by 'succeed' I mean TRULY ROCK IT - you have to be 'all in.' Having the 'WHOLE YOU' engaged wherever you are? Is where the true 'win' is... for your employer, for your coworkers, for your family, friends, boys & girls.. :p And it's as simple - and as difficult - as just changing your perspective.

More to say on this... but probably needs to be in a different blog posting as this one? Is reaching my traditional "War & Peace" length... Just a lot of ground to cover. :)

(1) Not his name, but will work for purposes of this blog.

(2) What's between a friend and a girlfriend - you know, when you've been on more than a few dates but you're not ready to claim the exclusive status? Whatever that was? I was that.

(3) -Small aside: I don't know about everyone else on the planet; but when I ask that question, what I mean is "What noteworthy happened in your day, dear?" What excited you, moved you, challenged you, changed you... This is not really an open invitation to tell me all the minutia or launch into a 50-minute tirade about how the office sucks the ever-loving soul out of you. For further reference? See blog "Get Bent" or "No Drama Little Mamma: Down with Drama Queens" blog. :p Everybody has gripes now and again - that's fine; but if we are the culmination of where we choose to put our focus? Then I'd rather focus on the positive - outside of needing to noodle it over so you can figure out how to handle something or what to make of it, of course. Basically that's my LOOONG way of saying I'm not asking you to launch into a gripe-fest. :)

(4)Yeah, yeah... I know... No, I can't tell you how I manage to find these people but if I did? I'd so make a business out of hooking up the right people personally like I do professionally. Just sayin' - it's easier with businesses.. there's a little more rationale to it and a lot less social drinking. (which I don't do much of, but... anyway)
(5) Jason Seiden - http://jasonseiden.com/
(6) Or something to that extent; I'm paraphrasing.

Why YOU're Not Married, Maybe... Not me!

I started this back in February; but for assorted reasons,didn't finish or post it. As I have my emergency nail repair -yes, that CAN constitute an emergency, thank you; have you seen my shoes??? - now's as good a time as any to finish it. :)

To say that I was raising an eyebrow in slightly miffed disbelief at Tracy McMillan's "Why You're Not Married?" Would be an understatement. Because, I'm pretty sure that I'm not single due to any of the reasons that she listed in her blog post.(1) But that being said? I don't think she's completely wrong, either. The whole shallow, slutty thing will get no argument from me. I just think she missed the overall point.

Yeah, Maybe We Are Liars... Sorta
I -do- think that we all have a tendency to be unintentional liars in relationships. Not about what food we want to eat, or what we want to do on a date, or whether or not we really work at the local coffee shop... but, about what we want out of life and the baggage we're carrying along for the relationship ride. For most of us, I think it's because We.Don't.Know. We don't know whether or not we want to get married; we don't know why we're so screwed up and freak out every time "Say Yes to the Dress" comes on TV.

Most people don't really take the time to deconstruct the issues in their past relationships before moving on to the next one. So, we take those hurts with us and over time they just become habits or boundaries that become part of our identity... we may not even remember why we felt the need for those behaviors to begin with. They get thrown in under the heading of "it's just who I am" and we keep moving on in search of the person who'll finally 'get it' / 'get us, just the way we are.' Except... how can someone else 'get it' if we don't even really get it ourselves?



But the rest? She missed the mark...

It's not that you're not good enough; it's that you think you DESERVE even better.
I'll be the first to admit that I? Am a catch. I know it; I've always known it. Sure, I've got my baggage; but I'm perfectly capable of carrying it myself, thanks. I'm stable, successful, attractive, centered, fun; with 2 cute kiddos and no ticking biological clock. But, I've never been one of the girls that's said to myself, "I'm a solid 7 or 8; so... it's only 9s or 10s for me!" Not really caught up on all of that; but boy do I know a lot of people who are. They think they're too good for the guy with the balding head and glasses; being with him would reflect poorly on their own worth. I will say that while I've seen my girl friends do this? Guys? Are SUPER bad about this; not sure if it's a lack of reality-based self awareness or just that we are wired differently... But i have watched way too many of my guy friends cast aside wonderful women that thought they hung the moon (2) to "trade up" for the hot chick that treats them like they are being done a favor just by virtue of being there. And it just really rarely ever works out... If YOU think you deserve "more" fine- but when you only accept what YOU believe should be just beyond your reach? Not only is that a little shallow, but the imbalance in the relationship will eventually make you both unhappy... Which doesn't exactly evoke images of wedded bliss, now does it?

Having children does not mean you will be cured of selfishness any more than not being selfish means you will get married...

We have ALL met the uninvolved parent, the Mom that will buy Manolos before medicine or the Dad who can't make the soccer games because it interferes with his busy bar schedule. HAVING a child does not mean you will love them, or be the kind of selfless that I think she is referencing that spouses want to experience... It just means you have children. Those of us who put our kids high up there on the priority scale know that children are actually an Impediment to dating more than an enhancement... But, when the right person comes along, they get the priority & roll with it.. Making it a priority for them, too, by respecting its importance In your life. But not gonna lie; that's a tall order to fill. Also, "selfish" has NEVER been used as a descriptor for me but I? Am still single :) My point is that it's not an automatic qualifier/disqualifier.

So, ok Ms. Smarty-pants, what is the point??? (3)

The point is if you're not married? You aren't ready yet... Maybe not because YOU personally aren't at a place where you are ready to be married; but, because to be married? It takes two.. And if the "we" isn't ready for marriage, then you're not ready yet. You shouldn't try to force the issue or play games with it, either. Just assess the situation honestly & objectively; communicate with your partner to make sure your long-term horizons look the same. If they don't? Then your problem isn't how to get married; it's how to move on and start over with someone else. But, if they do? Then chill out & don't suck the fun out of a good relationship by being impatient. Marriage isn't a magic formula for happiness & certainly isn't required for "happily ever after;" but it is absolutely worth the wait until you both are firmly on board because it IS supposed to be forever... and who wants to live with wondering if you got hitched because he was head-over-heels, yet thoughtfully committed to a lifetime or just did it because you pushed??




(1) though, my former boyfriends might be the better people to ask, LOL
(2) but maybe aren't going to be cast in any movies next week or will stop traffic just by stepping out of the car in the parking lot
(3) Come on, you know you were thinking it.... It's okay... :)