Myspace Migration: Revisiting? ’No Drama Little Mama’ - Down with Drama Queens

Because we? Are so not in high school anymore. You know the friend... the one who is ALWAYS in negative crisis, who always needs 'someone to hug them and understand,' the one who's always depressed or down. Not because they've 'hit a rough patch' or are 'in a funk;' but because they ARE the funk? Yeah, that person - we all know them. The ones that can't ever snap out of it and learn to laugh at the inane, slightly short-bus, or less-than-perfect/desired things that happen in life.

So, at what point do you draw the line and say, "THIS is who they ARE; who they choose to be and their negativity? Is a suck of all the positive energy around you?" I think there's a balance, to be sure - Goodness knows I've hit rough patches where I'm sure I sucked all the fun straight out of the room. I'm glad I had friends around who were there to call me on it. And I think that's maybe where the difference is between the 'drama queens' of the world and those that are just in a rough patch - when you're called on it, what do you DO about it? Do you self-reflect and make changes; or do you 'feel attacked' and continue to whine and bitch about your lot in life?

This to me leads into a more esoteric discussion about fate vs. free will. I believe that we are, to a large degree, the uncontested author of our own lives. God may have set the beginning and the end; but he gave us the ink to fill the space between. So, if there's something that isn't going right in my life, or if I don't like the direction - it's up to me to change it. If I want happiness, I have to MAKE it - or find it for myself. It's not something that was predetermined for me or handed on a platter.

As I get older, I find that I have less patience for people who want to continue to blame their lot in life on their parents, their job, their old boyfriend, ex-wife, etc. Seriously? Your life is a mess because your job sucks? But really, if your job sucks, there's another one - it may take some time to find it and so yes, we need to give our friends grace to figure that out during that time. But there's got to be a window - if you choose to continually stay in the circumstances that are making you unhappy, you have no right to bitch.

And if you do, then you have to understand.. there's going to come a day that your friends are going to cut you out. Not because they don't care about you, but because your drama dampens their bliss. Because we're NOT in high school anymore and most of us understand that if you don't like your life, there's the ability to change it.

For those who know me, are getting to know me, or want to know me? There's my thought process. I'm happy to listen to anyone having a problem, and I want to be a friend; but, if you're always in 'crisis' or you're constantly negative... don't call me about your drama unless you want to get a little dose of reality. I'm not a therapist - and I'm probably going to tell you to suck it up, deal with it, or move on.

I may have all the empathy in the world for the fact your marriage sucks, but if you're married? I'm not going to date you - if you 'don't have love and miss being held?' - see a marriage counselor or go get divorced. But don't look to me to fix your life. If you are continually high maintainence around me and cause drama wherever you go? I'm going to apologize for the harshness now, but we're probably not going to be hanging out. If you are a crappy friend because noone's ever been nice to you and the world is always screwed up? Sorry Eeyore, either learn to love the rain and mud or buy an umbrella....

And now? I'm going back to sleep. :) As always, feel free to share your views on the subject if you'd like, either in comment or by messaging me...

Six Feet Isn't Deep Enough...

Quick post before I'm off for my lunch workout:

I work from home & while there is much I do enjoy about it? It's just me in a 2500 sqf house & that gets REALLY quiet (1). So, in the morning, I tend to work at my downstairs office set-up and have the Morning News/Talk programs on in the background. I've picked up a couple of interesting tidbits while working; but today I had to do a double-take when I heard "wedding ring" and "Six Feet Isn't Deep Enough." They were talking? About Wedding Ring Coffins. Yup, that's right... they're suggesting that you bury your wedding ring. For $40, they'll send you a little mahogany coffin with a ring holder & a gold plaque that you can customize to say pretty much whatever you need to... within 60 characters, of course. (2) My favorite was "Six Feet Isn't Deep Enough."

Not going to lie, I think this is kind of dorky. More specifically, I think it's financially capitalizing on people's pain which pretty much blows. Would you throw a funeral for your divorce?? On their website they tout this as part of a "Divorce Party" - basically saying that the ending of a significant relationship - such as a marriage - deserves some sort of CELEBRATION. Not really the word I'd choose, even for those of us that are happily divorced. :) Celebration refers to a 'joyous occasion' by it's very definition. Divorce, even when it's the 'right' move to make? Is kinda sad... somber, at least.... right? I know my relationship was over LONG before we actually went through the legalities; but I still don't remember throwing a shindig as part of the package. I WAS relieved that it was finally over & handled; so, I guess I did have drinks with my friends.

Come to think of it, that's kind of the standard M.O. at the end of most of my relationships. Normally, I'm pretty well disconnected by the time I'm ending things; so, it's been a 'next' sort of dinner/drinks with the gals & we laugh about the absurdities of dating. When I was crushed, it was lots o' wine & weeping with a couple of my favorite girlfriends... the ones that know you're a total mess, but love you anyway. We talked about the good stuff, we talked about the bad.. but we talked through it & they let me know I was still lovable or agreed that I was right to walk away for reasons a,b,c.... (3) And I've done it for my friends - it's just kind of the drill, I guess... but I definitely wouldn't call it a party & sure wouldn't send invites!

At the end of the day, I guess it's about processing closure. And that's a good thing... I suspect, though; much like an actual funeral - the burying of the 'body' or 'ring' is just the start of the healing process & there's probably a lot more that needs to happen before you truly achieve emotional closure. I'd actually hazard to guess a lot of us out there never DO get to a place where we've really sorted through our emotional baggage - which is why so many of us carry steamer trunks into our next relationships. Maybe more on that later - but for now? TREADMILL! :)

(1) Given that today is my kiddos' last day of school? I'm guessing this won't be the case much longer. :p

(2) Hmm.... would I have had 60 characters of things I'd want to say? LOL When do I not??

(3) Depending on the relationship

Being Content & How it makes me feel When.... WHAT?!

So, checking out my blog it seems like there's a lot of new readers... as far away as Norway & Denmark (1)! For those of you that are new to my blog? Welcome. :) Since I'm picking this back up again, I guess an intro makes sense: I started blogging over here when I joined FB after migrating from Myspace & another blogging site that I co-wrote with a friend. For the most part? I blog about relationships & life as a 30-something single chick in Dallas/Fort-Worth: focusing on dating, parenting, fashion, & trending topics. It's been my thing for the last 7 years now and somehow? There's always new material. :)

So, was talking to a friend today about being content vs. being happy. Very interesting concept he had - basically, he points out that the enemy of content is happy: meaning, we'll blow the contentedness we have for the 'happy' we think we've yet to attain. But really, he maintained, happiness is fleeting so we're really never going to 'permanently arrive' in HappyTown. Which means? On the journey to try to be happy? We end up being miserable.

Apply this to relationships and by my take, it means a couple of things. One? People give up too darn quick. Maybe it's because we get bored, maybe it's because we don't know how to fight, maybe we've just lost that loving feeling. Who knows... probably depends on the person. But going back to society (because it's all society's fault, you know :p)... I do think our 'insta-feel-good' society plays into it. We're really conditioned from early on that if it doesn't feel good? Change it, ditch it, NEXT! Pretty much everything is disposable. Of course, there are some things should be disposed of. Like culottes. And spandex after the age 18. :p

Anyway, was still mulling this over when I ran across a blog that pretty much proved his point. The blog is called "A Woman's POV" and every blog post basically starts with "How it Makes Me Feel..." and then plugs a subject matter. Sounds harmless, right? Except, here's the thing: EVERY blog post was something negative! Among them:

• How it Makes Me Feel When He Doesn't Like My Driving
• How it Makes Me Feel When He is Two Hours Late
• How it Makes Me Feel When He's Trying to Change Me Physically
• How it Makes Me Feel When He Sends an Angry Text
• How it Makes Me Feel When He Gives Me an STD (2)
• How it Makes Me Feel When He Doesn't Call

You know what there wasn't ONE post about? Any subject that was positive. And that just seems kind of sad. I get it. It's absolutely easy to get frustrated because we all do frustrating things; but if you get myopically focused on the little irritants, you can quickly lose sight of why you were with that person to begin with. And boom: you just traded content for miserable in the pursuit of Happyness. (3)

When you're married, there's scads of aids to help you focus on the positive aspects of your relationship. Not so much when you're dating; but the concept is the same so thought I'd share one that seems pretty cool to me. It's called Fireproof. I don't think you need to read the book to work the concept... but basically, the couple in the book has a relationship that is failing. Prior to divorcing, the guy's father 'dares' his son to a 40-day dare: work his devotional every day, record his thoughts/feelings... but at the end of every day, he was to perform one act of love towards his partner. Whether she reciprocated or not - basically, a display of unconditional love. As a Christian, I saw this as a neat mirror to the unconditional love that Christ shows us.

More than that, though? It highlighted how the simple change of perspective for a period long enough to form a habit can create sustainable change & melt some pretty cold, cold hearts. While I didn't think it'd work for EVERYONE; I still found it cool enough to discuss with both married and single friends. The results kinda shocked me:

• Single Men: They were open to it. Of course, there was the initial joke about Kirk Cameron and the Fireproof swag stuff... but, overall? I spoke with 5 single guys and 3 of them said they'd do it to save their relationships. Kinda cool.
• Married Men: No joke; talked to 4 of my married friends. 2 said the same thing: "Like I'd have a choice; [my wife] would drag me to Church for that." Hmmph. They seemed less sold; but hey, they still said they'd go!
• Single Women: The least willing of the bunch. Basically, ONE of my 5 single girl friends polled said they'd give that a shot. "Next" was pretty much the overwhelming consensus.
• Married Women: Remember the 2 guys that said their wives would drag them to the Church Seminar?? Yeah, that's SO in their future. :p But, what was interesting to me was that the 3rd said "Eh, not interested" and the 4th? Was so positive her husband wouldn't be interested that SHE wouldn't consider it because it'd create too unhappy of a situation to feel like she was trying alone. (4)

I'm kind of on the fence about it. Some relationships I think are probably worth it; but, historically, I've been right there with my single girl friends... if it's not clicking, then NEXT! But, sometimes, I can't help but wonder... we're never going to completely 'click' with some one else because.. well... we're different. And our differences are things that probably drew us to each other to begin with; so, when they start to drive us crazy? Isn't it somewhat hypocritical to just give up? So; if the LOVE DARE isn't the answer, fine... how do you 'fireproof' the 'contentedness' of your relationships so that you don't lose it chasing 'happy?'

(1) I totally love that I have a reader in Norway and another in Denmark... but please shoot me a message telling me how you found my blog! :)

(2) Eew, and yeah, that'd be something to get irritated about, to put it mildly. That actually deserves a boot to the head & an attorney, frankly.

(3) I seriously love that movie. One of the scenes was actually on my business website - sooo inspirational!
(4) Ok, but if that's where you are? What do you have to lose??

Poor Prince Charming

After my workout last night, I couldn't sleep. Had a lot on my mind, professionally speaking, and couldn't put it away. Saw one of my guy friends online &, of course, he razzed me about my last post. Whatever... I stand by it. It IS okay to take time & it IS okay to hurt after a break-up; I don't like how we're all told to fake it till we make it & push our feelings under the rug so no one knows we're bruised. That's stupid; and kind of emotionally thwarting. I'm not taking out any billboards (1) about it; I'm just done pretending I'm peachy. Well, I am peachy... just not about my relationship.

But this isn't really about me - contrary to what the banner on the site says. :P

Anyway, I was talking with Matt* and we got to talking about how much effort & energy goes into dating - something I'm NOT missing at the moment. :p Seriously, the first 5% of a relationship is absolutely draining on an effort front! I? Got NO sympathy points for being a girl from him; he actually said it's much harder to be a single guy in the dating world... esp. when you're over 30. REALLY???? WHY?!?!?!?!?

His answer was simple: Women never stopped looking for Prince Charming. (3)

"No really," he says, "There's a lot of pressure on guys to be this 'white knight' that sweeps you women off their feet and is practically perfect."

"Like Mary Poppins?" I counter, giggling.

"No, like Prince Charming." Let me share his perception of women's criteria & then I'll respond:

1. To be 'Prince Charming,' you must be 'cut.' When I prodded on this? It meant definable abs, less than 18% body fat, and muscles that Popeye could be proud of.
2. Can't have facial hair unless it's a super short goatee - women won't kiss you.
3. Must be fashionably dressed.
4. Must be funny, witty, and charming.
5. Must be able to afford expensive dates to show we're financially well off.
6. Must be able to watch, and discuss, popular chick flicks, romcoms, & tv shows. Which means we needed to be watching them before we go out with you women.
7. Must be full of faith & compassion for small animals, children & charities.
8. Must be able to prove financial fitness by discussing investments & charitable donations.
9. Must have nice car.
10. Must not be overly interested in sports.
11. Must be able to cook gourmet meals to show self-sufficiency & renaissance ability.
12. Must like gardening & enjoy flowers.
13. Probably needs to show time spent volunteering or helping elderly parents.
14. Must be able to dance, preferably play some musical instrument, and enjoy fine art.
15. Be able to discuss fine wines and not drink cheap beer.
16. Be up on current events & reading books on life improvement.

Call me crazy, but a lot of those seem to have a redundant theme of 'must be financially fit.' Ok, so those were the criteria he listed. Here's my response: If that guy exists and is into women? Please send him my way. LOL

Seriously, does it sound to you that he's describing a CHICK? Because that's totally what I got out of it. And, as I told him last night? I don't want to date a chick - I hang out with my girl friends when I need a dose of estrogen. Now, some of the stuff he rattled off hold true for both MEN & WOMEN; but a lot of it sounds like... well, off to me. Hitting on all of these creates a blog post that is hella long & then some... so, I'm picking a few to touch on:

• # 1 -Although it's totally fun when you get picked up and carried around by a guy? It's kind of uncomfortable to snuggle with a rock. A little smooshiness is a good thing, in my book. Just be healthy.
  
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• # 2 - Wrong. I love facial hair - I do NOT like Santa beards or crazy sideburns & I think that's more what women tend to want to shy away from. A little scratchy goatee or mustache? Tre' fun!
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• # 3 - Yes. I don't want to date the Dad from the Cosby show. But, FYI? Ed Hardy & ESP. Affliction shirts? Are not 'Prince Charming' material. In fact? They kind of scream that you are either a completely oblivious middle-aged man or have some sort of serious Narcissistic complex that you think you are suuuper cool with your deep phrase cross shirts. They're douchey. (4) And sweater vests? Are for my Dad & he's even too fashion forward to wear them. You should be, too. Converse? Are cool but shouldn't be all you own.
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• #5 - BS! If this is true? You're dating the wrong girl. My favorite date of ALL TIME was actually going to look at Christmas lights, bowl/shoot pool, and then played a VERY bad game of darts. Pretty sure this whole experience was around $40 or less. It's about who you are with & the quality of time you have together - not the price tag for the meal. I'm personally uncomfortable in expensive restaurants because I see it as a ginormous waste of money. But, if you're taking all your dates to Mickey-D's? Yeah, might want to turn up your game just a tad!
  
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• #6 - No. Dear God Please No. Yes, I'd like to know that a guy WOULD watch one with me; but I'd rather he watch his own shows that he's interested in. I would find a guy's mental processes beyond retarded if I found out that he was watching chick shows just to get a leg up. Pretty sure Prince Charming? Doesn't do that.
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• #8 - NO. I don't want to hear about your Roth IRA, your credit card debt or lack thereof, or how much your mortgage is. THIS IS NOT ANY OF MY BUSINESS. I can kinda figure out if you can afford your lifestyle over time by just paying attention. Your finances? Not something I care to know about.
  
  
  
  
• #9 - Ok, this one is tough for me. I think it's appropriate for you to not be driving around in a 1980s Mazda 323 if you're striving to be Prince Charming, for sure. That is a massive indicator that your finances are probably screwed up & you might have problems affording your lifestyle. But, I'm actually a little more concerned with the guy that is driving the pimptastic sports car that costs him WAY too much because it "defines him." If your car 'defines you? It's kind of saying you're a tool, fyi. Cars are a bad investment; so I've traditionally been taken by the guy that's got his paid off or has a decent, sane thought process for why they picked whatever it is they drive.
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• #11 -Nope. It's kind of cool if I don't have to teach a guy to cook; but it's equally fun to cook together & I think it's kind of endearing when a guy can only cook kraft mac 'n' cheese & salad. :p You DO get brownie points if you can cook, though.. so.. yeah.
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• #13 -Eeeeh... no. Now, don't get me wrong - it's SERIOUSLY impressive, cool, and worth a billion brownie points if you're passionate about helping others & do it for that reason. And the guy who doesn't have a good relationship with his family? Yes, it raises questions but there can be legit reasons for it. But again, if you're not GENUINE? You're a Dbag; not Prince Charming.
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• #15- Yup. Not going to lie; a guy who knows his wine gets further up on the P.C. scale with the ladies - but enjoying a Miller Lite is not going to knock you off the white horse, I don't think.
  
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• #16 - Former yes, Latter?? Eh, not so sure. Most men I've met aren't into reading anything outside of web pages & magazines. I really don't care; but that might just be me. You don't need a book to improve your life; but it's definitely a Prince Charming requirement that you DO try to improve yourself on a regular basis. Because really? If you're not moving forward in life? You're moving backward & that's not charming to anyone.

So, net net? I think Matt is a little off the mark & creating a lot of undue pressure on himself to be a version of Prince Charming that's really not necessary. BUT... maybe I'm wrong. Maybe all those things ARE what women want these days. If so? Ladies, are we setting our sights a mite high???

(1) While I do evidently have new readers in Canada, Denmark & Germany? (Hellooo, random!) This particular blog's readership has dwindled dramatically since I curtailed regular posting & pruned a lot of my submissions - So, I'm reaching MAYBE a whopping 100 readers a week or so at present. :p

(2) So not his name, but I'm trying to protect privacy when I can. :P

(3) Yeah, I don't know about that - I'm just super excited when their emotional maturity is past that of high school, they don't spend 40 hours a week on video games, they can pay their own bills/manage their lives, & don't confuse me with the 900-number girls that I'm praying they don't pay $3.99/minute to. I know, my standards are impossibly high. :p

(4) Is 'douchey' even a word??? If it isn't, it should be. And the picture by the definition should be the Affliction Shirt.

Listen!... Bruised But Not Broken

Though sometimes it seems that friends, family, society-at-large might -intentionally or otherwise- lead one to think otherwise. Most of the time? I think when people tell you to do something completely different than you've been going at it? It's done with the best intentions; but the net result for me lately has been wondering "What's wrong with me? Why didn't I see it that way?"

The answer? Is nothing. I'm just ME... not them.

I got to thinking about this after I blogged & subsequently deleted a post talking about how I wasn't ready to date. I had asked a friend to make sure it wasn't too 'poor me' because that wasn't how I was trying to come off; and her response was to delete it because [he] shouldn't get the satisfaction of seeing I was hurt. So, I did.

That was dumb.

As a quick aside? I don't see him getting satisfaction from that, for starters. But mainly? I -AM- hurt; I am a little broken-hearted because it's just sad when it doesn't work out with someone you loved. And it's OK. It's also okay to not be able to instantaneously be over something that ended up being an significant part of your life... and is then just gone. Even if you understand the whys & wherefors; even if it is a long time coming; even if you realize that it was the right thing to do. Why pretend to be all cool if you're not yet? Now, there's a balance, of course! If you were running around clothed in sack-cloth and ashes? That'd be a problem. If I were pathetically not functioning? Also a problem. But that's not the case. (1) I'm getting out, seeing friends, doing things, working out, cooking & writing... the normal stuff. I'm just not dating - by choice - but it really hasn't been that long? I don't think that makes me a spinster-sister just yet. ;) I also think it's respectful to the relationship I just got out of & the men I'll date in the future to take time before I just jump back in there while still one of the walking wounded. Plus, I've never been broken up with before; this is a first for me and I gotta say? I kinda prefer the other side, LOL. I am bruised; but saying so doesn't make me broken.

Anyway, it got me thinking: how many things have I done, or stopped doing, or never did to begin with at someone/something else's dictation? The answer is? A little more than I'm comfortable with lately. But, I'm not alone. As a society, we tend to stave off making all kinds of decisions until we've been given direction on which way to go. In fashion, we let the 'fashion elite' (2) tell us what colors are 'in' & what to wear- and that's ok, unless you ditch your wardrobe to comply (3) when you don't even like the colors. In relationships, we let "experts" who've written best-sellers tell us how to behave in order for our relationship to be a success. While I DO like "He's Just Not That Into You" enough that I had copies for friends (4) -that's really more common-sense stuff. But there's fewer of those and more "Why Men Marry B*tches.. & why you should be one, too" that are really just total crap. But many of us do it - because... well, why do we?

Is it because it's easier than thinking for ourselves or are we just so clueless as to what to do when things don't go as expected that we're willing to do ANYTHING - even if it's the wrong thing - in an effort to improve whatever we feel is lacking in life? Is it lack of confidence? Is it that we feel more comfortable doing something if we have the reassurance of others that we're vindicated or justified in our actions through their assent? I've been doing a lot of thinking on this for myself lately. For me, the 'not thinking' option? Definitely not it. I'm an over-analyzer by nature. So, sometimes I seek the counsel of others to make sure I haven't twisted my thought processes into a pretzel that no longer makes sense. I'm not alone in this - a LOT of people (5) hash their life issues out with people they trust. And that's cool, as long as the fact that you're seeking OPINIONS isn't lost. Ultimately, you still have to make a decision that works for you. Or in my case, ME.

I really was pretty good at this for most of my life. And still am, when I allow myself to be. It may not always look like what everyone else thinks it should & I will probably embarrass myself as often as I will not.. but it'll be authentic. Which is why I think most of the people that like me, do... I'm real. Goofy as all get-out & a total klutz... but I'm real. And I'm okay with that. :) When I was doing things the way I was told was 'the way to be' and trying to force myself to act a certain way because "that's how it's done?" (6) It didn't work for me. When I stepped back and rectified that? Not only did it feel better; but I got some valuable insight that showed me that was maybe SOOOO not the direction I wanted to go, anyway! Score!

And PS? I love this song. It's not exactly related; but not totally unrelated, either. Mainly Beyonce just has a fantastic voice & it was on Glee so I had to look it up. 'Nuff Said. :) (7)

(1) Ok, so yes, I had my moments of hurt, wounded pride & feelings of failure the first couple of days; but no sack-cloth & ashes. :p
(2) And who are they, anyway?
(3) I sooo wish I had this picture of a HIDEOUS looking dress I bought because "yellow" was in. Not on me it's not. Just makes me look like I have diphtheria or something.
(4) Yes, I do see the irony MB; & is this one time I can lovingly say, "Shut it!"? :p

(5) read: most

(6) My guy friends (& some girl friends) said I just needed to "Get back on the horse" & go out with someone. After much protestation & having friends mention they saw he's dating (even though I know he's not doing anything WRONG? Still sucks to hear - you'd like to think people would pine over you forever because you're so darn awesome.. :p)? This one guy that asked? Got a 'sure, why not'... but, I KNOW why not. So, fixed that today to get the reply of something along the lines of "... the best way to get over one girl is to get under another one. IDK. Never been one for serial monogamy so take a couple of weeks & then reach out to me. I'm sure I'll be around." My thought? Yeah, if that's the case I'm sure you probably will but if you mean what I think you mean? Then no, I probably won't. ;) Seriously, chivalry.. don't talk about sex with people you haven't met yet, guys!

(7) No, I don't watch Glee normally; Lindsey had it on before the game.

I Enjoy Being a Girl...

So, they're talking about me on the news right now... well, so not ME specifically, but people like me. There's a name for us "Shoppinghaulers." We're the people that take our fashion finds online & share them with the masses. I actually used to do this quite a lot (as those that are connected to me via FB could attest to); but have less so over the last several months as my wardrobe really rounded out and there wasn't the NEED to go buy a bunch of clothes/shoes/jewelry all the time.

Love doing it, though; and as I just discovered that I now fit WELL into my nightie from last spring's pajama fashion show? I'm soooo likely to start doing a little more 'fashion flaunting' on FB & my blog... sharing some of the new trends/bargains that I come across this year. If you can ever get me out of my pjs, that is (1).

Speaking of clothes, after my closet reorganization, I found that there were a few fashion casualties after my recent relationship demise. The bra that goes along with aforementioned nightie (from Soma, which is awesome)? Missing. Black sheer robe and coordinating nightgown? Missing. Where is it? Who knows... Reason to go shopping? Yes... Yes, I think so! :)

My friend Lalli wrote in HER blog (2) about getting more comfortable with oneself as we age. I like this. It's healthy & life is just more fun when we are comfortable in our own skin. I'm not going to lie, I'm still hyper-critical of my body - I know every flaw & there are plenty, lol - but, I'm more accepting of that which I cannot change these days. Besides, as a girl, the one thing we have going for us above men is that there ARE fashion finds to fix practically any flaw... as long as we're clothed. There are bras that can transform your cleavage into whatever you want it to through lifting, sculpting, adding, reducing; 'scuba suit' spanx that suck/slenderize, built-in toning clothes, pants that add bootay if you don't have it (3), enough make-up to completely transform your face... men don't have this. And they're ok with it. I applaud them for their comfort or resignation to their own body-images; but for me? I'll continue to invest in good bras, a couple smoothing scuba-suits, my Mystic spray-tans, & leave the rest up to my gym membership. And that works for me; so, I guess that's what counts.

Fashion Find to Check Out: White House Black Market (of course) - Beaded Halter Dress Style No. 570020525. It's now on sale for $59.99! I have this and LOVE what it does for the cleavage! Pair it with a 'privacy panel' from Impeccable Pig - or Target if you don't have one of those nearby - & the Very Sexy Halter Bra from Victoria's Secret & you are good to go for a great night on the town!

(1) Seriously, I think I woke up the kids squealing with excitement - it's fab when something that used to fit perfectly but then didn't? Once again fits EXACTLY like it's supposed to!!! :)

(2) Which I love & you should check out ("This is Why We Can't Have Nice Things")

(3) a problem I'll NEVER have

(4) in a size FOUR, thank you very much!

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPad]

Social Network Fatigue #SociallyStrangled

Somewhere around 5 years ago, I joined in on the Social Network Revolution. While I came in a little later in the game on Facebok; for most sites I joined when they were still in their 'early adopter' phases... I cruised around, figured out where I fit and went.to.town. And I definitely wasn't alone. Facebook on it's own boasts 153 MILLION unique visitors and as of January of this year? Is still growing at a rate of a million more every month. That's a LOT of potential 'friends.' On average, my fellow Facebook friends, we spend around 6.5 hours a month updating our pals on our comings, goings, & innermost thoughts/feelings... and begging for farmville crops, of course (1). To put some perspective on this number? According to Neilson, that's over 3 times the amount of time Americans cruise around on YAHOO. For me specifically? I was pretty sure 6.5 hours would be a LOW estimate.

I kept track of the amount of time I was actively on FB for the last 60 days and tried hard not to modify it since I knew I was tracking it... I logged about 18 hours engaged. No wonder I'm tired.

You see, I'm what's "affectionately" (2) known as a "Super-User." My friends say I "Live Out Loud" and that's definitely true. I've always been one to say what's on my mind and had very little concern for whether or not it'd end up being embarrassing (3). The way I've seen it is that we all have our less-than-stellar moments; so, laughingly 'fessing up to mine might make it easier for someone else to laugh through theirs. Furthermore, people relate to people who are real. And in my line of business? That's a good thing. I'll tell you a lot of my posts are done to build relationships - frequent touches build recognition, which leads to interaction, which leads to network equity. That's priceless for me. Plus, I happen to actually LIKE my friends - every one of them, personal & professional... I can tell you how I know them, why we connected, what they do and something I like about them. So, all that about relationship-building is true... but, it's also because I get a kick out of sharing my thoughts and happenings.

KINDA.

Lately though, I've been feeling over connected. It's probably why I started keeping track of my FB time to begin with. While I was able to maintain and build on 'relationships' with people I wouldn't honestly have time to spend much/if any time with outside of the Internet; I was losing valuable interaction with those closest to me in my life. Because, what's the point of talking about that which I read about 30 minutes ago? I started noticing this about six months' ago when I realized about every 3rd or 4th conversation my boyfriend and I had revolved around something someone had posted on Facebook or something he or I had noted on our own pages. Since we were connected to a decent number of mutual friends; quite often we had both already read it prior it coming up. Out of politeness, we'd listen to one another rehash it; but I'd be kidding us all if I didn't admit it made for trite conversation 9 times out of 10. Because really, how deep and interesting could 'Guys shouldn't wear skinny jeans' be, anyway? (4) Bottom line, Facebook made it uncessary to pick up the phone or go over and see our friends 'Offline.'

And that's where our problems began, my FB friends - our relationships were taken to the 'online' level.

While it was a great day when I connected to some of my favorite people from when I was eight (Suzanne, Susan, Genelle, among others); and I was downright GRATEFUL for FB the day I was able to read about my Maid-of-Honor's major car accident so I could pray for her ... I was also annoyed. It bugged me when someone would tell me they didn't have time to call or spend quality time with me but had answered endless quizzes, commented on 50 different items on their newsfeed, and uploaded more photos of their car/kid/whatever in a day than I had over the last month. Hypocritical? Slightly. I recognized it; but it didn't change the way I felt. And then there was the narcissistic issue: we all have the friends who either have absolutely NOTHING to say but they can't just say that so they do the "I ate a lollipop" or "'sup?" status update; or found their own status so immensely entertaining that THAT is when they call you?! To tell you to go look at their FB page to check out the brilliant beyond brilliant thing they just wrote. I seriously knew someone who would go back and read their statuses over and over again like they had penned something at the same level as the witticisms of Mark Twain or Walt Whitman. Every.Day.

I realized I had begun to miss hearing about someone's day over dinner instead reading it on the FB app of my mobile phone.

That affects your relationship; you can't help but let it. Right? In many cases, I know I couldn't. A slow-build resentment would set in - especially after the 100th message I had to send of "seriously, the Farmville posts; could you stop posting those on my wall??" I'd find myself ducking their calls or neglecting to invite them out. Fortunately, this was a very small group of people; but still.. how many does it take for it to be TOO many? And then there was the more... unhealthy? ... insecurities Facebook unearths for many. I found I wasn't immune to those, either. February of last year, I was dating what I thought was a very nice guy. He'd asked for our relationship status to change to be 'Facebook official' (5) - to which I declined, laughing as my 'ultimate' single/divorced status hadn't changed and I thought it'd be confusing for my kids. A few weeks later, I noticed he was untagging himself from our photos - I've always been big on photo documentation of events - and shortly after that, I realized he'd stopped interacting on my page entirely. Oops. I thought he was crazy at the time; but I have to admit when the shoe was on the other foot? It made me darn near paranoid.. and that was something that was hard to admit to.
Who on earth ties their value to someone else based on FACEBOOK?? Oh, and let me not fail to mention the massive argument that cropped up as a result of the 'fashion album' I have on Facebook with my children's father about whether or not his child support was going to fund my shoe stores. (6)

I didn't realize I had allowed social networking to actually play a part in causing damage to some of my closest personal relationships; but once I did? It was something I could no longer ignore.

So I did some digging... As it turns out? That's something else I wasn't alone on, either. As of January 2011, 40% of Facebook Users have reported that the social networking site had negatively impacted relationships in their life. Their "relationship status updates" seem to be a popular instigator - as FB kindly heralds the news of your changing status as quickly as you click 'save.' This wreaked havoc on one couple whose relationship ended on FB due to a glitch of all things. Petty arguments took place over who forgot to take out the trash and well... you get the idea. It's not been all kittens and roses for the FB community... and I had found myself among the walking wounded. I had to do something... but what? I started by 'band-aiding' the situation; I'd hide offenders from my news feeds and gave people freedom to hide mine without restraint nor condemnation. I've never been a massive 'stalker;' so, that helped. But, that didn't really fix the problem, did it? The underlying aggravation was still there.

After a little bit of thought and self-realization? The solution was clear... if the damage came from putting the relationship 'online;' the healing came from taking it back 'offline.' My dating relationship(s) didn't need to happen online - it's not like I went on virtual dates... so, why spend my days virtually interacting?? I don't (7) - and won't from now on. In the future, it's quite possible I won't even BE connected to the guy I share my time with. I didn't ask for 'friend approval' when I decided to go out with someone - so why does my relationship status need to be broadcast, exactly? Because FB says so?? I don't think so. I really think my original decision to "change my status when I need to explain a new name" was the right one. At least for me. My girl friends and I (For the most part) don't get together via webcast; so, why not call them instead of posting on their walls? Ladies, start expecting a text or a call. When I want to talk to my Mom, I certainly don't post "Call Me, Chicka!" So, why do that with candidates, clients, and/or Friends?? So, what does this mean? Am I going to deactivate my profile?? Nope. Does that mean you'll see a little less of me? Probably. I'm feeling a little socially strangled; and I'm pretty sure that I've been strangling others, too. So, I'm opting to add some oxygen back into the room and attend to both my sanity & relationships. In 3-D; where the only smiley-faces? Are attached to people.


(1) I will admit to having kicked this game's butt when I was highly medicated after surgeries (can't remember which one). It's dumb, but darn right - my farm was SO better than yours. Just sayin'
(2) read= lamely The official psychological term, from what I've discovered, is 'HYPER-USER' and I think that's probably more accurate.
(3) Once you've had to admit that you've broken your ankle simply walking down a level driveway, your toe on a laptop, and a Dr's note to excuse you from dating? Seriously, what's left to get embarrassed over?
(4) Just kidding, J - I actually liked that status update. :p
(5) Since when did Facebook become the authority on relationships?
(6) Which, of course, it wasn't. Not even close.
(7) go on virtual dates, that is