Series: Dating and Generation "Me" - Part 1, Background

So, in my last post, I mentioned that there were some issues with dating 'Generation Me-ers.' Think I'm ready to start working through that; so, here's the first in a 4-part series on my thoughts as of now (because I'm a GenMe, too... and it's all about me, right?? :p)...

The Basic Background Stuff
I should start with the glaringly obvious: -I- am a 'Generation Me Chick'... as is most of my dating pool. "Generation Me" refers to those born in the 70s through the 90s; and the common core of this generational population is that the needs of 'self' and the individual should come first... even above duty. This is the first Generation to have this belief as a common identity. This group has also been labeled the "Entitlement Generation" and accused of starting a Narcissism Epidemic... and to some extent? They're probably right; I know that it's a common complaint heard in dating.

Think about it, though: we've been taught, as 'Me-ers' from an early age to "Love Ourselves" and "Be All that We Can Be" (1) and "I Have to Love 'Me' Before I Can Love 'We'"... as a collective group, we're programmed to put ourselves first. Our needs, Our Wants, Our Job, Our [fill-in-the-blank]. They're not just rationalizations for past actions or things we tell those lacking in self-esteem; they're firmly entrenched beliefs 30-some-odd-years in the making.



Now, factor in those of us in our 30s and hitting 40 who've been through a divorce: this is an automatic trigger for self-centeredness, at least for a time post-event. That's not necessarily a bad thing because we need the self-reflection for change; but not all of us shift out of that. Between the two? Dating this age group can be a real challenege. We're more confident and assertive (2) than most of our previous generations... but, we're also more entitled, lazy, and miserable. Why? We're more money-focused, less willing to take personal responsibility, (3) and have a strong desire of immediate gratification... the "I WANT WHAT I WANT and I WANT IT NOW, THANKS" attitude. And if we don't? The tendancy is to abandon ship - where our 'older and wiser' generations were more prone to stick things out and working through stuff. The biggest issue I see with this is that for all our positives? The aforementioned negatives make the GenMe crew less adept at personal communication; because it's uncomfortable and noone likes that, right? Which is maybe ok if you're ordering in the drive-thru or dealing with the dry cleaner... but, not so much in a relationship.



The Relationship Background Info

And speaking of relationships, GenMes are seeing the relationship more as a temporal state-of-being and less permanent. This is best seen in the decline of the number of marriages - down 40% between 1970 and 2002. The reason for this is two-fold: firstly, GenMes have been the hardest hit generational group by divorce. Of the elder GenMes, nearly 50% have already been divorced. The younger GenMes (4) cite potential for divorce as a reason to avoid it. Around 52% of the 20-somethings have stated that they see "so few good marriages that they question marriage as a way of life." (5) And their response leads to the other reason there has been a decline in Marriage: GenMes? Are used to "trading up."

We live in an outdated society. Yes, that's what I meant- almost as soon as a new technology is released? A better one comes out that makes it antiquated. Fashion lines go out of style literally the month they're released... even our food is only good for a week or two. Life is built upon disposable, replaceable things. Our cars are traded out every few years; as are our homes. So why not our relationships? GenMes seem to agree; and so many have started down the road to what Professor Phillip Gray, chairman of the Sociology Department of the San Diego State University, as "the age of serial monogamy" - essentially, trading up to a newer, shinier relationship as problems emerge rather than dealing with them.

And that's a Ton O' Fun for those of us on the dating scene... :p





(1) Wait, that's The Army... but eh, close enough
(2) As a group.. there are definitely still some 'Beta-Boys' that fill the exception gap
(3) This is not necessarily true in the workplace; though there is more shifting of blame in a 'GenMe' than from their predecessors. This is likely because GenMes were raised with a high pressure from parents to achieve academically; which later translates into the workforce.
(4) Those in their 20s
(5) National Marriage Project, 2002

Have You Found Him Already???

As another birthday passes, I once again get pummeled with the question ALL single people just LOVE to be asked as part of the 'State of the Union' talk, "So, you found anybody you want to settle down with yet?" This is actually a 3 part answer... or rather, there are really 3 questions in there:

Question 1: Have I found anybody?
Answer: Sure, lots of 'anybodies.' I live in one of the biggest metropolitan areas in the United States. Now factor in that I'm slightly brighter than the corner streetlamp, kinda cute, most men find me an adorable mess and a bunch of fun? Of course there's a pretty big pool of bodies to choose from.

Question Two: Anybody you want to settle down with yet?
Answer: Um, no. There's been a guy or two I can see spending more time with, but even with the cool one? Not looking for the white picket fence yet; probably because I already kinda have it.

Which leads to the unspoken compound Question Three: Why not- is the problem them or you?
Compound Answer: Neither... and Both.





There are a couple of reasons surrounding dating "Generation Me-ers;" but the foundation of the issue is that I'm not really sure that I'm looking for, or even want, the 'His-and-Her towels,' 'Let's Grow Old Together' romance. This is where most women my age and men around a decade older? Think I'm nuts.

Listen, I'm not a complete ice queen; I see the benefit behind the ideal. And 7 years ago I was all over that like white on rice. 5 years ago, I was still very receptive. The last couple of years, though? I've come to realize my life kicks 19 kinds of Kung-Foo booty. I have it made; right now I can do what I want, when I want and need permission from nobody. Which I like. When I'm done with someone? I can get up and leave to do whatever I'm up for next. This is a pretty heady thing to give up.
Would I ever? Maybe- but that relationship would be long in it's gestation and pretty fanfreakingtabulous.

There's also relatively low frustration or relationship drama in my current set-up. Guys are given a threshold level for bs and when they pass it? I pass on them. Its actually kinda more entertainment than frustration. :p When I get bored? I can find a "shiny new toy" to play with and nobody faults me because it's pretty well accepted that most of the people in my dating age-range (35 to 42ish) have significant baggage.

So, between the two? I see no reason to settle or rush into something serious that I'm likely to find flawed and want out of faster than my annual physical. Besides, I've found that when people are trying to find "the one?" They are often not being their genuine self, anyway. But that's a story for another day, another issue. ;)

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Sometimes There Are No Witty Titles; But There Is Grace

I can not recall the last time I was so grateful for a Saturday morning. As I write this, I've just gotten back from getting morning coffee at Starbucks. I went? In my nightgown (what? It's pretty, I'm comfortable, and it makes me feel better... so, I threw on a "men's style," long-sleeve pj top; so I was totally decent); I may not get out of it until it's time to get ready for my date... we'll see. It was kind of funny to me; as I was at the window waiting for my coffee? The sweet barista girl and I were talking about how hard it is to wake up this morning and so I said, "Yeah, that's why I'm still in my pajamas." She looked at me, long and hard for a second, and then said, "Those are your pajamas?? You've got some nice pajamas - like those ladies on the T.V.... I always think to myself 'Who dresses like that?'" She paused for a moment, looked at me again, somewhat quizzically and said, "And now I know... you do!" Giggle... LOL She was cute and this was just a funny aside... a bright spot in a somewhat stormy week. :)

It has been a long week; there's a lot going on that I've been juggling. I'm grateful for my life; I am... but, sometimes it wears me out. :p Little weary today. I'm struggling with a concept, this week: Grace. More specifically, the extension of grace when things fail, when people fail, when your best laid plans go awry. I fail every day; every day there's something I stumble over. But God always has Grace for me: this unmerited favor that breathes life into me every minute of every day. (Eph 2:5) And since I've had that coverage, I've always looked at my failures/missteps as an opportunity for "failing forward." An opportunity to leverage my mistakes and learn from them; be refined.

So, where am I going with this? Well, not quite sure honestly; but, I think it's this: I've tried (I think) to extend that same type of grace that God's extended to me to others. When someone hurts me, or fails me; it's painful.. that doesn't change. But, I think I try hard to immediately address what needs it and then let it go. Rather than permanently judge someone or write them off; I try to extend them the grace that's necessary to move ahead. This sometimes takes more of a concerted effort than others... but, I don't see this as something that makes me unique or special. To me, it's just part of being a Christian; we're called to do it.

We're called to extend grace when it's called for. Not just for the sake of others, either; but, I think it's because "Grace" is a multi-faceted concept. In the greek, the word means "CHARIS" (χαρις) - gracefulness, beauty, good-will, unmerited kindness.. favour. In fact, the Old Testament repeatedly speaks of finding Grace in the form of favour in the eyes of God or Man (Gen. 6:8; 19:19; 33:15; Ex. 33:12; 34:9; I Sam 1:18; 27:5; Esth. 2:7) - to the point that I've practically had to come to the realization that Grace is an active, working principle as opposed to esoteric theory. The New Testament follows that up with what the extension of Grace; both as the recepient and the giver, inspires in us: a loving kindness, an emotion of thankfulness that over time alters our perspective and overall outlook (Luke 4:22; I Cor. 10:30; 15:57; II Cor. 2:14; 8:16; I Tim. 1:12). At least, I think it does; it certainly has mine.

So, that part I get - or, at least I get my understanding of it. Where I'm failing, struggling, is that I DO believe this is a calling that's inherent to the Christian life - that God's extension of Grace to us inspires us to extend it to others. So, how is it that so often people that I can look at and see God's influence on their lives... have such a hard time with the execution of Grace towards others? This is most especially mind-boggling to me of those that ask for Grace from others - practically require it regularly for a myriad of reasons (bad moods, untenable siutations, overwhelming stress, whatever) - but, can not see fit to extend it themselves. I'm not judging; I just don't understand it.

But, it seems to me that to really extend grace means it has to be free: not dependent on any prior claim, consideration or action from others. So, my lack of understanding does not release me from my calling... my willing obligation to extend it. Nor would I want it to; it's caught up in my faith and who I am (Rom 5:1-2; 1Tit 1:12). I'd just like to understand it a little better; so, that's what I'm mulling over currently. I know this is a long one - but, as always, welcome any thoughts or messages you care to leave/send on your perspective.

There is no 'Foolproof' - but there are Fools!

A while back I decided to get back into the dating game after being out for longer than I should have. Quite by mistake, I dialed up a guy I had gone out with the year before. Of course, I had stood him up like 4 times - so, out of common decency I had just stopped calling him. But, for some reason, he still wanted to go out... so, we did. He was quite a bit older than me (like well over 10 years) - so, I figured honestly? He was probably just grateful that someone my age who was actually cute would go out with him. Yeah, I know I'm going to hell in a handbasket... but, it was what it was.

I thought I had stumbled upon a genuis plan... go out with someone older! I always have dated older men; but typically it was late 30s... not mid-40s (I'm 31). But, this was perfect! They've got their stuff together, they've got to be over the games, right? They'll be a little more forgiving of MY flaws because hey, let's face it ... they know they've got them, too. The whole thing would be a little more chill because they probably don't have the stamina to be out every night at dance clubs or hot spots... And they'd be a little grateful and giddy about dating the young, cute, smart chick (smart is now debatable)... oh yeah, THIS? Was a good idea.

So, we went out again. And again. And again. I wasn't overly attracted to him physically; but, he had a goofy charm that made up for that. We're all old and wrinkly in the end, anyway; right? Over time, I found I actually liked him! He was attentive, he was extremely patient, calming, and didn't mind my then newfound obsession with fashion. But... there WAS something off. I couldn't quite put my finger on it.. but, I started getting the feeling that he was embarassed of dating someone so much younger. Little comments here and there; a request to come by the house after dark because the neighbors were talking about 'the young chick in the heels.' (1) About the same time? An older chick starts popping up on his Facebook page; clearly 'marking her territory.'





I think we all know where this is going. Come to find out? He was seeing both of us - in hindsight, regardless of what he said, I think SHE was the relationship and I was the Trophy... the chick that helped him recapture a little bit of his lost youth. I was pretty crushed and angry at first; noone likes being lied to or used. Then, I went into complete denial about what was really going on. He said he didn't want to lose me, would do anything to keep me... He didn't mean for it to happen... was just odd timing and he thought if he told me someone else was interested? I'd leave. But, he saw how stupid it was now and just didn't want to lose me.... Ok. We can work with this. He said he was going to tell the other woman what had been going on; friends advised me to check into that. At first, I didn't want to - but, then in my denial state? Seemed like a good way to see if he came clean so we could move forward.

You know where this is going again, don't you? Turns out, he hadn't. And his "I'll do anything?" Another meaningless turn of phrase that I bought hook, line, sinker. Of course he hadn't told her. In the end, I had to face facts: there is no foolproof plan when it comes to dating. There's no magical formula to protect your feelings or ensure that you're going to end up with someone who won't appreciate you or hurt you. Dating? Is a giant roll of the dice. While my experience with that guy hurt, it also helped me learn something - when you're spending time devising plans trying to protect yourself... you're shortchanging yourself instead. You're taking possibilities out of the equation that might be exactly what you need and better than you imagined. (2) Hopefully HE learned that a sure-fire way to get someone to leave is to lie to them over, and over, and over again. But... I'm not holding my breath.

1. Yeah... I know, YOU see the signs. I? Wanted to believe in him. Anyone else hearing "Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, duuumb" to the tune of that Tums Commercial? No? Just me, I guess. :)

2. Certainly better than wierd, much older guys that turn out to be serial liars, anyway. Just sayin.' ;)

Every gal over the age of let's say... 10... understands the value of beautiful bling. We are taught from 'girl-hood' that accessories make an outfit and the most coveted item you'll ever own is your engagement/wedding RING. And the 30 BILLION DOLLARS Americans spend a year on jewelry (fashion & luxury)? Is total evidence to the iconic status of the bling. We buy it online, in stores, and even in our homes. Companies such as Silpada, Lia Sophia,(1) and Premiere Designs made home-party jewelry shopping a 'household staple' (no pun intended). The premise is you go to someone's house who 'Hosts/Hostesses' the party and gets free stuff based off the amount of the party sales. In return for the stuff you buy? The Host/Hostess feeds you. :) So, when I was invited to a home jewelry party for this evening a couple of weeks back? It didn't really phase me.





But, when I went tonight? It was SO.MUCH.FUN - and totally different than what I was expecting. There were 2 tables full of serving trays, stands, and bowls of different jewels, beads, and baubles for me to choose from. I could then design how I wanted those laid out on a variety of necklaces or bracelets. Let me tell you, for a chick who loves jewelry?? This was Christmas, Easter, New Year's and a great kiss all rolled into one! I got a little funky with my charm bracelet - but, it was to be expected once I saw the cute turquoise shoe that totally went with half the blue/turquoise-accented White House/Black Market clothing I had recently purchased. (2) I also made a really cute, clustered flower necklace/earrings that coordinate well with my WH/BM stuff. All in all? It was a win. See pics below.






This was the last "Build Your Bling" party - which made me a little sad that I hadn't discovered this 'gem' sooner. Of course, while affordable, at $80 for the evening? My pocketbook didn't mind that tonight was my first foray with them - I could definitely do some damage with them over time! Seriously, though, it IS affordable when you think about how I got three very intricate, semi-custom pieces that they assembled right in front of me. The company is moving into... you guessed it! Direct Sales. Look for them as JuJu Belle starting late June/Early July, I think. I've linked their Facebook page for you to check out their wares - some SERIOUSLY cute charms.




What I enjoyed the most, though? Was not the cute jewelry -which again, LOVE- but the conversation and social dynamic. Out of the 10-15 ladies that were there that evening? I came in only knowing the hostess, Rhiannon. By the time I left? I had made acquaintance with most of them and got networking information for at least half. We talked about 'vagazzling' (3), how toddlers will ignore 90% of what you say but will pick up on curse words 100% of the time.. with funny examples. I got to do a little campaigning for my Council run and found out that the copy of 'It's Complicated' that I had rented intending on watching with someone I've been getting to know? I should stop stalling on and watch IMMEDIATELY - but could skip 'Lovely Bones' (4). We griped about our diets, oohed and aahed over my kickin' shoes and fashion in general; and bonded over Sex and the City. These were the kinds of social interactions that most of us look forward to and just don't get enough of with all of our busy calendars and commitments. Kind of makes me want to host a party... we'll see when JuJu Belle launches... ;) In the meantime, I'll just enjoy the bling I made tonight and count the minutes before one of my kids try to swipe my charm bracelet!!








(1) I linked to my favorite Lia Sophia rep's page- she's awesome and has even been in print for her party prowess. ;) No, I did not receive any compensation for this - she doesn't even know I did it - but, if you buy from her, please mention my blog so -I- know the depths of my own influence (read the tagline: It IS all about ME, after all! ;) ).

(2) Check the 'Sale' section and You're Welcome. Code 9076 should get you 20% off for at least another week or two. Again, you're welcome. :)

(3) Props to Jennifer Love Hewitt for the new culture-reference - this particular evening we were discussing about what happens AFTER you 'vagazzle?' Because, seriously, that's gotta just be for looks - as the token guy/aka 'Stacy's husband' in the room said? "The friction would va-suck" - hellooooo, chafing!

(4) Something my ex-husband told me months ago and I wish I had heard again BEFORE I tried to watch it the other night. The Lovely Bones? Anything but lovely, IMO.

As a Search Consultant and Marketing Major; of course I'm a BIG fan of Social Media. It's not only a helpful business tool and an interest; but, over the last couple of years has become a way of life for me. So yes, I have accounts, handles, and pages on pretty much every platform out there - some I use more than others, but you get the point. I blog, I tweet, I'm branded. I'm connected to friends I had at 4 and some boyfriends I wish I hadn't really EVER connected with - but, you never know when 'being connected' will come in handy. ;) (1)

But, do you ever think that maybe - at least from a personal perspective - we're OVER-CONNECTED? Through social media, we're able to know far more than we ever have about the goings-on and interactions in others' lives. For people like me, my "friends" can know what I'm up to on nearly an hourly basis. I even "check-in" to the places I go/things I do & see via a program called Foursquare. Tack on all of the comments and interactions from my connections? There's not a lot of mystery to my world.



How much of a big deal is that when it comes to dating? Some could reasonably argue that those interactions give you something to talk about on a date. Sure, maybe - depending on how interactive you are with what's put on your page. But, the normal "How was your day, dear?" or "What did you do today?" questions one would typically ask their significant other? Seems slightly moot because you just say the status of "Best.Day.EVER" an hour ago! And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

I've taken note over the last couple of years that most of my friends have had some of their biggest disagreements over Facebook and Myspace. It's a BIG DEAL for some people to not have their 'relationship status' publicized by their significant other. Now personally? My 'Relationship Status' isn't likely to change unless there's a ring on my finger and a new last name that needs explaining. I just don't think it's that big of a deal - my friends know who I'm dating and that's good enough for me. Feelings get hurt when the comments left are generic or better yet? When they're told to leave generic or 'just friends' type comments yet are constantly reading very racy comments left by others. (3) One of my friends laughed at me yesterday when I was working through this subject with her and said, "You know, I'm MARRIED to the guy now and he STILL doesn't leave sweet comments on my page or declarations of love. I just don't care anymore because I have the ring on MY finger so those other flirty girls can suck it." (4)




I'll be honest; I always thought they were nuts. (5) I mean, come ON - it's a SOCIAL MEDIA site, for cripes sake! And for the most part, I still hold true that if you're in a stable relationship with someone? Still shouldn't matter - just have to trust the person you're with has decent judgement and is an honest jane or joe. But, what if you're NOT in a stable or established relationship? What if it's still new or you're just really 'dating' someone and so therefore you DON'T know what to expect or how to read things? I was discussing this with a guy I've been 'getting to know' and he said there should be some sort of ettiquite blog on how to handle this sort of thing and what's ok to do/not do on people's pages. So... I'm going to. Here's a sneak peak as it pertains with how to deal with the stuff you see on your significant other's/person's you're dating page(s):

1) DO recognize you likely don't know the person who made the comment and the nature of their relationship with your person. It might be totally innocent. So... if you have a question? Ask - and then accept the answer and let it go.

2) DO NOT use it as an opportunity to 'mark your territory' back. Comments like "Last night was amazing" or "I love you more than life itself" right after some questionable comment by some other chick/guy? Is completely transparent and is not only going to not mean much to the person you are dating/your S.O - but it SHOULD be embarrassing to you. Rise above, I say...

3) DO NOT start stalking the other people that are leaving your guy/girl comments. It's flat out unbalanced. Now, I totally get the natural curiousity to check them out - and that's probably not going to be a restraining-order level if you only do it ONCE, if you must. But, if you find yourself going 'cyber-spy' on them (6)?? Close the computer, use your 'phone-a-friend' lifeline and get some help.

4) If you can't do/refrain from the above three?? Stop looking at their profile completely - or better yet, find someone else to date that you actually CAN and WILL trust. Because at the end of the day? That's probably what it boils down to, anyway....

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(1) By the way, if you're trying to find me on a social media platform? Just try whatever website with the extension /theonecrystal, /the1crystal, or /crystalgmiller - I'm pretty well branded that way :D

(2) Besides, I tend to think you kind of look like a tool when you're in and out of a relationship enough that people start thinking you're a 'Jack-in-the-box.'

(3) Seriously, I remember leaving a conference to help a friend that I thought was going to have a panic attack from how upset she got reading one of them - granted, the chick leaving them was TOTALLY doing it to induce that exact reaction from my friend, but still... wowzers.

(4) That might have been paraphrased; but I think it's funnier this way and is still true to the spirit of the comment. :p

(5) Until a recent experience with it myself that doesn't bear going into because it's a) embarrassing and b) makes it hard for me to pretend like I'm above it all. :p Suffice it to say MY experience was extremely pale compared to some of the stories I've heard and lasted a total of a week or so before I slapped myself back out of the insanity.

(6) Or creating an alter-personna of the opposite gender to stalk them on a more personal level? *cough* Jasper *cough*

One Fine Day... We'll Figure it Out

Dating is fun. Dating is fun. Dating is fun. For some people, this is a mantra they have to repeat ad nauseum in the hopes that they might one day believe it. For them? Dating is decidedly NOT fun. Others enjoy it so much that they never stop dating... even after they get married! As usual, I'm kinda somewhere in the middle. I almost always enjoy myself when I'm out on a date with someone (excluding some of the just obvious awkward moments we all have to deal with); but arranging it and fitting it into my schedule can be something of a whip. (1)

I was talking with a guy recently that was by absolutely all accounts A-dorable. He was funny, handsome, outgoing, active and outdoorsey... loved God, kids, and big dogs. Seriously, all that was missing was the conversation about a penchant for the East Coast in the Fall and I would have likely supposed he came out of some kind of fairy-tale. Until, that is, he started talking about? Dating. For those of you that haven't dated in awhile; evidently, dating is a huge topic of conversation amongst single people. For the first few dates, it's not uncommon to talk and joke about former off-key dating experiences; in fact, it can be something of a bonding experience when you realize that you're not alone in feeling smothered when someone comes and "accidentally" leaves stuff at your house and then tells you to clear out a drawer for them. After you've only dated for a month. (Can you say CLINGY??) The various little antecdotes we share regarding our dating mishaps can humanize us ... and that can be a good thing, I think.



But on the other end of the spectrum, there's the guy (or gal) who can't stop belittling dating. Enter Frank. Met Frank on Match.com - which is of course, a dating site. This would imply to most that Frank wanted to date someone. Just sayin' - 'cause it's kind of what you do on dating sites; want to make friends? Go to meetup.com - there's a group for you. One would further think that Frank was interested in dating based off his proactively contacting me - and of course, I responded back because hello??? Did you READ the first paragraph? He sounded too good to be true.... And? He was. Turns out, Frank exhausts all the topics that make him cute in about 45 minutes. The next month? Was spent talking exclusively about how much he hated his job, his friends, and ... dating. And then how much he hated dating some more. And then some more. And then... get the picture?? Total.WHIP. So, of course, I dropped him like a hot potato. (1)





Tip for those who were previously unaware: negativity? Not so much attractive to most. An injection of saracasm is fine now and again; but to be submersed in it all the time is just .... bleh. If you're having trouble seeing something positive in dating, then perhaps it's time to stop. Take a breather; get to know yourself again and figure out where it went off the tracks for you. Otherwise, your dates are likely to categorize you as I did Frank - the whip that continually dampening my 'One Fine Day' and will find someone else with whom to spend their time. :)

(1) But, I console myself with the realization that, to some degree, that's probably going to be true of pretty much everyone else, too. At least the people I tend to see. ;)
(2) Come on, like you wouldn't?? Don't care how great the packaging looks; if the inside is reminiscent of decay? Moooove along. Furthermore, I have to ask myself what's the motivation behind these continually repeated conversations - where/what's the gain?